It's Day 28 in the land of Effy Wild's April Blog Along and I am feeling a little out of sorts this evening. I was going to try to write through it, as I had something planned to write about but, to be perfectly honest, I am just not feeling it today. So, instead of forcing it, the resulting energy of which would not feel good to anyone, I am going to leave it at, "this is all she wrote."
One more thing, aside from my wonkiness this evening I am actually SUPER excited because I signed up for Effy Wild's Book of Days Premium today! It was a belated Happy Birthday to me gift purchased with a gift card that my mom had gotten me for my birthday at the end of March. It was an empowering decision to make actually. And the class is very much in alignment with my wanting to establish an art journaling practice, as a spiritual practice which is something I've written about in my journal more than once over the past few months. I'll write more tomorrow about why that was an empowering choice for me and how it was right in line with my core desired feelings (Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map) for tomorrows blog.
That's all for now.
May you be blessed with love and light,
tia
Monday, April 28, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Day 27: A quick afternoon trip
Today was a beautiful Spring afternoon, nice and warm with a gentle breeze that was just the right temperature. My son's father has been to Asheville, NC a couple of times and has said that everytime he goes there that city has my name written all over it. Since I only live 1 1/2 hours away, and I have been wanting to go check it out anyway, I decided to take a little afternoon trip there.
Because I only have a Michael's here and I miss my A.C. Moore and JoAnn Fabrics, the first thing I do when I am going to a new town is see if either of those stores are there. I was super excited to see that both of those stores are there. I was easily side tracked today and left way later than I wanted to so I decided to only go to JoAnn's so that I would have time to see downtown, which was my main reason for going. Is it sad that I was so happy to be in a JoAnn Fabrics again? The smell of the store, all of the beautiful fabrics and threads, stamps and papers...it was a beautiful thing.
On to downtown and I absolutely LOVED it there. I wish I had gone on a Saturday and had left earlier in the day because there were stores that were closed and SO much to see. There were so many great unique little stores, book stores, restaurants and an art gallery. That was probably my favorite part, fun, unique, beautiful and sometimes quirky art work, it was so inspiring! And there was this cute hippie type skirt that I fell in love with and am inspired to do my own twist on.
I loved the energy of the downtown area, the people, the stores, the everything! It was a fantastic little trip and I am looking forward to going back again soon.
Because I only have a Michael's here and I miss my A.C. Moore and JoAnn Fabrics, the first thing I do when I am going to a new town is see if either of those stores are there. I was super excited to see that both of those stores are there. I was easily side tracked today and left way later than I wanted to so I decided to only go to JoAnn's so that I would have time to see downtown, which was my main reason for going. Is it sad that I was so happy to be in a JoAnn Fabrics again? The smell of the store, all of the beautiful fabrics and threads, stamps and papers...it was a beautiful thing.
On to downtown and I absolutely LOVED it there. I wish I had gone on a Saturday and had left earlier in the day because there were stores that were closed and SO much to see. There were so many great unique little stores, book stores, restaurants and an art gallery. That was probably my favorite part, fun, unique, beautiful and sometimes quirky art work, it was so inspiring! And there was this cute hippie type skirt that I fell in love with and am inspired to do my own twist on.
I loved the energy of the downtown area, the people, the stores, the everything! It was a fantastic little trip and I am looking forward to going back again soon.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Day 26: She's finally done!
I hadn't planned on the Easter type theme, it just flowed forth and I followed it. At the last minute the eggs called for Runes to be placed on them. It speaks to me of Spirit, Spring, Renewal, Rebirth.
The more I look at her the more I think I like her.
May you be blessed with love and light,
tia
Friday, April 25, 2014
Day 25: Rain and resistance and letting go, oh my
It rained off and on today. One moment it was pouring down rain, I came out of a store and the sun was shining and it was warm, I came out of another store and it was raining again. I do love the rain, the smell and the sound and the feel of it. I think though, that it relaxes me a little too much, to the point of not wanting to do anything. Combine that with the big ball of resistance I allowed myself to be today and that meant me not getting much accomplished. I felt like I was doing more avoiding and wandering than anything.
I did to to deep places, thought about letting go and about everything that ties to the questions I shared yesterday, that I saw on the Adyashanti episode of "Super Soul Sunday." I also thought about acceptance. Adyashanti also talked about saying "yes" to each moment, even if the moment seems less than desirable, and I have been contemplating my relationship to that.
That is where I have spent a lot of my time today and while the big ball of resistance was with me, I actually listened to it and learned something. Intellectually I have let go over and over and over again because it is my intent to heal and not carry and drag things along with me. But today resistance showed me that, while I have made that choice intellectually, I have not made it wholeheartedly and I am still holding on by my pinky. On one hand it seems silly to do that because I know the choice boils down to letting go and having peace or holding on and suffering. On the other hand I also know that knowing something on an intellectual level is just one step in the process as there is a journey that it needs to take from my head to my heart so that it can be rooted there. And while I know the benefits of letting go, I have written about them and it is one of the many things I help people with, I also know that having trouble letting go usually means there are emotions tied to the event that have not been felt. So it is back to the drawing board with that because, for it to take that trip from head to heart and root itself there, the path needs to be clear of the hurt and pain and whatever other emotions are hanging out there. And today I am also wondering if another reason for the resistance is that letting go makes it..real and permanent. I know that that is a trick of the mind as it already is real and what I cling to by just my pinky right now, is already gone. It no longer exists. So I understand, I get it. And I know exactly what I would advise a client to do, how I would help them find the gift of empowerment in letting go. Taking my own advice would be beneficial here and I plan on doing that.
For right now I think I need to paint and create and art the sh*t out of it. To let it flow from my body, down through my paintbrush, or my favorite painting tools which are my hands, and onto the canvas or in my Art Journal. I need to open to it and listen to what it has to tell me about myself, my patterns, my life and let it do what emotions are meant to do as they are merely energy in motion and just want to be felt and released.
May you be blessed with light and love,
tia
I did to to deep places, thought about letting go and about everything that ties to the questions I shared yesterday, that I saw on the Adyashanti episode of "Super Soul Sunday." I also thought about acceptance. Adyashanti also talked about saying "yes" to each moment, even if the moment seems less than desirable, and I have been contemplating my relationship to that.
That is where I have spent a lot of my time today and while the big ball of resistance was with me, I actually listened to it and learned something. Intellectually I have let go over and over and over again because it is my intent to heal and not carry and drag things along with me. But today resistance showed me that, while I have made that choice intellectually, I have not made it wholeheartedly and I am still holding on by my pinky. On one hand it seems silly to do that because I know the choice boils down to letting go and having peace or holding on and suffering. On the other hand I also know that knowing something on an intellectual level is just one step in the process as there is a journey that it needs to take from my head to my heart so that it can be rooted there. And while I know the benefits of letting go, I have written about them and it is one of the many things I help people with, I also know that having trouble letting go usually means there are emotions tied to the event that have not been felt. So it is back to the drawing board with that because, for it to take that trip from head to heart and root itself there, the path needs to be clear of the hurt and pain and whatever other emotions are hanging out there. And today I am also wondering if another reason for the resistance is that letting go makes it..real and permanent. I know that that is a trick of the mind as it already is real and what I cling to by just my pinky right now, is already gone. It no longer exists. So I understand, I get it. And I know exactly what I would advise a client to do, how I would help them find the gift of empowerment in letting go. Taking my own advice would be beneficial here and I plan on doing that.
For right now I think I need to paint and create and art the sh*t out of it. To let it flow from my body, down through my paintbrush, or my favorite painting tools which are my hands, and onto the canvas or in my Art Journal. I need to open to it and listen to what it has to tell me about myself, my patterns, my life and let it do what emotions are meant to do as they are merely energy in motion and just want to be felt and released.
May you be blessed with light and love,
tia
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Day 24: Sitting with things
I'm sitting with some things tonight after watching the "Super Soul Sunday" episode with Adyashanti this evening. Profoundly beautiful. I always love when I hear teachings that I already knew in a different way that makes me see that I forgot to apply something I knew to certain area of my life.
Adyashanti posed some questions that really made me stop and think about things. He asked the following, "Since the past isn't here now, how is it that I'm keeping it alive?" and "How am I sustaining that trauma?" and "How am I traumatizing myself?" and "How am I continuing it?" To me this speaks of the story of the wound. I've talked about the effects of holding on to our stories, I've written about it, I've dug into how I might be holding on to my stories but when he asked these questions it really got me thinking about the past year and a half and how I am holding on to a couple of stories, traumatizing myself with them, continuing them. I could say I should have known better but then I would be "shoulding" all over myself and I try not to do that.
All of these things started coming up and my mind zipped to a number of places, good, deep places that need the light of healing. I'm in a strange place right now with all of it in which I am pondering it all, understanding some, reflecting on all of it and resisting it all at the same time.
So much of what he said in that show resonated with me, inspired me, moved me and brought me back into the core of remaining wounds. I am grateful for that as it is my intent to heal those spaces and the only way to heal them is to go deep into them.
So right now I am sifting through it all while doing my best to walk through the resistance, which took me to the TV and a bowl of popcorn and I could've stayed in front of the TV longer but I was determined to walk through it. Like I said, strange place. Not a bad place at all because I know I heard exactly what I needed to hear today and it is taking me exactly where I need to be.
May you be blessed with love and light,
tia
Adyashanti posed some questions that really made me stop and think about things. He asked the following, "Since the past isn't here now, how is it that I'm keeping it alive?" and "How am I sustaining that trauma?" and "How am I traumatizing myself?" and "How am I continuing it?" To me this speaks of the story of the wound. I've talked about the effects of holding on to our stories, I've written about it, I've dug into how I might be holding on to my stories but when he asked these questions it really got me thinking about the past year and a half and how I am holding on to a couple of stories, traumatizing myself with them, continuing them. I could say I should have known better but then I would be "shoulding" all over myself and I try not to do that.
All of these things started coming up and my mind zipped to a number of places, good, deep places that need the light of healing. I'm in a strange place right now with all of it in which I am pondering it all, understanding some, reflecting on all of it and resisting it all at the same time.
So much of what he said in that show resonated with me, inspired me, moved me and brought me back into the core of remaining wounds. I am grateful for that as it is my intent to heal those spaces and the only way to heal them is to go deep into them.
So right now I am sifting through it all while doing my best to walk through the resistance, which took me to the TV and a bowl of popcorn and I could've stayed in front of the TV longer but I was determined to walk through it. Like I said, strange place. Not a bad place at all because I know I heard exactly what I needed to hear today and it is taking me exactly where I need to be.
May you be blessed with love and light,
tia
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Day 23: When shame is entangled within the beautiful threads of you Dreams
I am an artist, a teacher, a writer, and a healer. Not quite a year into my healing journey, brought on by my recovery from drug addiction, I started to hear my Soul whisper, "I am a healer." Prior to this time it wasn't anything I ever considered doing. But as I began to navigate my Inner World, digging, following trails sorting through it all and pulling up treasure, I felt the incredibly powerful benefit of healing and I wanted to share that with others. Having been in the trenches of deep emotional wounds from the path that my Soul self and my human self had chosen helped to cultivate this depth of compassion within me that I wanted to bring to the wounds of others.
This passion to help others heal began to grow, evolve, and intensify over time and it was clear to me that coaching would be the best vehicle for me to accomplish that. I tried studying psychology but found it far too scientific and not at all holistic and that just didn't work for me. Going through the process, and step work, of recovery from addiction gave me the benefit of helping to heal any shame I had had. I worked very hard to dig through all the mistakes I felt I had made, to make amends, to forgive others and to forgive myself.
I emerged with a sense of peace regarding the choices I had made during that part of my life, as well as prior to that time. I saw addiction as a blessing because it brought me deep into this spiritual and healing journey that was full of beauty and peace that, prior to this, I didn't think was possible for me. It allowed me to begin to form a healthy relationship with myself, as opposed to the dysfunctional one I had had my entire life. It also helped me to form a relationship with my Soul, with the Divine, with Life and the Universe. The benefits have been beyond words.
Then the storm came in and left me feeling shattered as I began to navigate through the rocky terrain of grief nurse a broken heart. He experienced a Life-quake that had to do with custody of his son. First he pulled away to heal, then he asked me to wait for him if I could while he dealt with the situation kissing me goodbye and telling me he loved me and about two months after that there was a picture of him, his son, and a woman he called his finance on his FaceBook page. He neglected to inform me, I had to find out by seeing that picture. When I confronted him about it, through text message because he wouldn't answer my calls, he told me he loved me but that my past raised a red flag and he was worried it would prevent him from getting joint custody of his son so, instead of talking to me about it and finding out if I could've done anything to prove my sobriety, he bailed without telling me. Keep in mind, this was 3 1/2 years into recovery, he knew me during that time and had seen me change and grow and was proud of me and "the amazingly complex woman" I was becoming. While he was proud of me when it was him and I, he obviously wasn't so proud of what other people would think. He was ashamed of me and my past addiction issues and because of those issues I lost him.
Shame is an interesting creature. I knew the shame wasn't my issue, it was his. I knew I didn't need to carry his feelings of shame and make them mine. Yet, still, I watched shame sneak in. I would write about it in my journal, talk to myself out loud about it, and as I did that and analyzed it I was carrying it around in my pocket, that way I could take it out and look at it and dissect it and, without realizing it, hold on tight to it.
Dr. Brene Brown talks about how shame festers in secret. I talked a little bit about it but not enough. And more important than that is that I think I was missing the root of the issue. When an emotion moves in that is not fully processed and healed, it starts to create this haze that changes not only the way we see things, but whether or not we see them at all. It clouds everything. I started to lose that feeling of passion and connection to my Dream of being a Healing Coach and I was struggling to figure out why and how to get that back. I knew I still had that Dream and purpose, I just couldn't feel it anymore.
I was thinking about all of it today (yesterday) and it hit me, I could not believe I had missed it. The seeming loss of connection and passion was actually a shame fog that was clouding my Dream. What happens when your Dream, the reason you have it, the reason that you are good at it, is something that you feel shame about? How can that Dream be something you nurture, connect to and are passionate about when the very root of the Dream is growing in a toxic cesspool of shame? It can't. The poisonous film around it prevents any of the nurturing, passion and connection to permeate it.
Dr. Brene Brown also says, "Guilt says, 'I made a mistake,' and shame says, 'I am a mistake.'" And if my Dream is built within a foundation and environment of "I am a mistake," growth is not possible. And really it's not that I feel like I personally am a mistake but that is the energy that is surrounding it right now.
It was interesting to me because I was thinking back to when this Life-quake happened to hi and he pulled away and how, for some reason, I became intensely focused on creating my Coaching practice. I wrote up an information sheet and posted to my Facebook page that I was taking free coaching clients. And I coached people and it felt amazing and fulfilling. It flowed naturally from me, gifts coming together in a perfect orchestra of doing what I love-helping people heal, helping from navigate through their own internal world so they could pull up the treasure buried within themselves.
And then I stopped. Obviously heartbreak had an affect on the entirety of my life and that Dream was no exception. But it grew into more than that. I used to gush when I talked about it, the passion would ooze out all over the place and I could feel it in every cell of my being. Over time that turned into frustration and I would rant about people not healing their shit and the passion was clouded.
Well, I know that I have no cause to be ashamed because of someone else's shame. I had peace about that part of my past because I knew that part of what I was meant to do was take the wisdom and experience I had gained, and continue to gain, and use it all in service of myself and others. Like I mentioned earlier, it brought me to the most amazing place in my life. Somehow I allowed someone else's shame of me to be the food the shame monster fed on and now, I chose to stop. So, what's the solution? Posting this blog is part of the solution, bringing light and love to the shame because they can permeate the fog. I can write about it, art about it, and let it go as it was never mine to carry to begin with. My Dreams are big and beautiful and part of the reason I am here in the physical incarnation. There are many people with deep wounds and I can bring healing and empowerment to those deep dark spaces. How could I ever feel there was anything wrong with that Dream, regardless of the past that brought it forward? I am a healer and it matters not what brought me to that space, it only matters that I use what brought me there to help others. And that is what I chose to do.
May you be blessed with love and light,
tia
This passion to help others heal began to grow, evolve, and intensify over time and it was clear to me that coaching would be the best vehicle for me to accomplish that. I tried studying psychology but found it far too scientific and not at all holistic and that just didn't work for me. Going through the process, and step work, of recovery from addiction gave me the benefit of helping to heal any shame I had had. I worked very hard to dig through all the mistakes I felt I had made, to make amends, to forgive others and to forgive myself.
I emerged with a sense of peace regarding the choices I had made during that part of my life, as well as prior to that time. I saw addiction as a blessing because it brought me deep into this spiritual and healing journey that was full of beauty and peace that, prior to this, I didn't think was possible for me. It allowed me to begin to form a healthy relationship with myself, as opposed to the dysfunctional one I had had my entire life. It also helped me to form a relationship with my Soul, with the Divine, with Life and the Universe. The benefits have been beyond words.
Then the storm came in and left me feeling shattered as I began to navigate through the rocky terrain of grief nurse a broken heart. He experienced a Life-quake that had to do with custody of his son. First he pulled away to heal, then he asked me to wait for him if I could while he dealt with the situation kissing me goodbye and telling me he loved me and about two months after that there was a picture of him, his son, and a woman he called his finance on his FaceBook page. He neglected to inform me, I had to find out by seeing that picture. When I confronted him about it, through text message because he wouldn't answer my calls, he told me he loved me but that my past raised a red flag and he was worried it would prevent him from getting joint custody of his son so, instead of talking to me about it and finding out if I could've done anything to prove my sobriety, he bailed without telling me. Keep in mind, this was 3 1/2 years into recovery, he knew me during that time and had seen me change and grow and was proud of me and "the amazingly complex woman" I was becoming. While he was proud of me when it was him and I, he obviously wasn't so proud of what other people would think. He was ashamed of me and my past addiction issues and because of those issues I lost him.
Shame is an interesting creature. I knew the shame wasn't my issue, it was his. I knew I didn't need to carry his feelings of shame and make them mine. Yet, still, I watched shame sneak in. I would write about it in my journal, talk to myself out loud about it, and as I did that and analyzed it I was carrying it around in my pocket, that way I could take it out and look at it and dissect it and, without realizing it, hold on tight to it.
Dr. Brene Brown talks about how shame festers in secret. I talked a little bit about it but not enough. And more important than that is that I think I was missing the root of the issue. When an emotion moves in that is not fully processed and healed, it starts to create this haze that changes not only the way we see things, but whether or not we see them at all. It clouds everything. I started to lose that feeling of passion and connection to my Dream of being a Healing Coach and I was struggling to figure out why and how to get that back. I knew I still had that Dream and purpose, I just couldn't feel it anymore.
I was thinking about all of it today (yesterday) and it hit me, I could not believe I had missed it. The seeming loss of connection and passion was actually a shame fog that was clouding my Dream. What happens when your Dream, the reason you have it, the reason that you are good at it, is something that you feel shame about? How can that Dream be something you nurture, connect to and are passionate about when the very root of the Dream is growing in a toxic cesspool of shame? It can't. The poisonous film around it prevents any of the nurturing, passion and connection to permeate it.
Dr. Brene Brown also says, "Guilt says, 'I made a mistake,' and shame says, 'I am a mistake.'" And if my Dream is built within a foundation and environment of "I am a mistake," growth is not possible. And really it's not that I feel like I personally am a mistake but that is the energy that is surrounding it right now.
It was interesting to me because I was thinking back to when this Life-quake happened to hi and he pulled away and how, for some reason, I became intensely focused on creating my Coaching practice. I wrote up an information sheet and posted to my Facebook page that I was taking free coaching clients. And I coached people and it felt amazing and fulfilling. It flowed naturally from me, gifts coming together in a perfect orchestra of doing what I love-helping people heal, helping from navigate through their own internal world so they could pull up the treasure buried within themselves.
And then I stopped. Obviously heartbreak had an affect on the entirety of my life and that Dream was no exception. But it grew into more than that. I used to gush when I talked about it, the passion would ooze out all over the place and I could feel it in every cell of my being. Over time that turned into frustration and I would rant about people not healing their shit and the passion was clouded.
Well, I know that I have no cause to be ashamed because of someone else's shame. I had peace about that part of my past because I knew that part of what I was meant to do was take the wisdom and experience I had gained, and continue to gain, and use it all in service of myself and others. Like I mentioned earlier, it brought me to the most amazing place in my life. Somehow I allowed someone else's shame of me to be the food the shame monster fed on and now, I chose to stop. So, what's the solution? Posting this blog is part of the solution, bringing light and love to the shame because they can permeate the fog. I can write about it, art about it, and let it go as it was never mine to carry to begin with. My Dreams are big and beautiful and part of the reason I am here in the physical incarnation. There are many people with deep wounds and I can bring healing and empowerment to those deep dark spaces. How could I ever feel there was anything wrong with that Dream, regardless of the past that brought it forward? I am a healer and it matters not what brought me to that space, it only matters that I use what brought me there to help others. And that is what I chose to do.
May you be blessed with love and light,
tia
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Day 22: More to come tomorrow
 |
| I do love a beautiful sunset |
So, unfortunately another short blog but I promise to make it up tomorrow. In the meantime all I have to share is a picture of a beautiful sunset I took pictures of outside of my house last night. I do love the sunrise and sunset, the colors are so brilliant and stunning.
May you be blessed with love and light,
tia
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