Because I don't want to die with my music still in me

"Don't die with your music still in you."

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer (1940-2015)

I wrote this blog post in my journal on September 4th, 2015

If you are familiar with Dr. Brene Brown, you know she talks about having a "vulnerability hangover," which is pretty much the regret you feel when you feel you've shared too much, and boy did I ever have one!  Obviously as it's lasted 10 months.  My last post, on November 7th, 2014, left me feeling more vulnerable, raw, and exposed then I was comfortable with.  In that post I had written that I understood that there might be people that will judge me but that I wasn't going to be one of those people.  The after affects of publishing that post, coupled with experiences I've had with people in my environment over the past 10 or so months, have shed light on the fact that I do still judge it and the reason I do is because I have not felt the fullness of the guilt and shame that hover around that part of my story.  I am navigating through bringing compassion to it, through feeling that guilt and shame and forgiving myself so that I can continue to grow forward.

But still, that "vulnerability hangover" left me feeling like I didn't want to show my face again.  Since my last post I have penned numerous posts in my head, made a list of things I wanted to write about, and even wrote some of those things down on paper.  None of those things were strong enough to get me to show up again, as much as I wanted to, until now.

On the morning of August 31st, I learned that one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, had died over the weekend in his sleep.  Never have I been so deeply impacted by the death of a public figure.  I was choked up on Monday as the news sank in.  And while I understand death to be a transition, a birth back into non-physical, my heart is heavy and saddened by the loss of his physical presence.

Dr. Wayne Dyer was one of the first spiritual/motivational teachers I had exposure to.  His teachings, how he walked his path, the love that filled his voice when he spoke, had a very profound effect on me and my life.  Although I never had the opportunity to meet him or see him speak in person, I admired him, respected him, looked up to him and wanted to be my own version of what he taught, what he stood for, and who he was.  To take all that inspired me about him and bring them into my own unique gifts, talents and abilities.  

In the fall of 2007, while teetering between using and not using, I decided to go off of all of my medications (an antidepressant, an antianxiety, and a medication to help with opiate addiction) cold turkey, without the guidance of my doctor.  I think it goes without saying but I am going to say it anyway, I do NOT recommend doing this.  For the record, "not using" is not the same as sobriety.  While the medication prescribed to me for opiate addiction did, at times, help me to not use, I did not change anything internally, I did not do any healing work, therefore, the medication had become a crutch.

The withdrawal process of not being on the medication was not a fun time.   Due to my mental preparation it was not as bad as it could have been but that does not mean it was good.  There were restless nights, a lot of them, I couldn't get comfortable, I wasn't sleeping well at all, and I became very depressed.  Enter Dr. Dyer.  I don't even know where the book came from but I am so thankful that I had it and that I decided to read it.  I also don't remember which book it was but I do remember he talked about having had addictions.  I remember stopping when I read that.  I don't remember my first exposure to him but I knew of him, he was a spiritual and motivational teacher, he had had addictions and look at him now.  At that point I didn't know I was a healer, I didn't know that part of my purpose here was to help people on their healing journeys, but still, it gave me hope in a way that I can't accurately put into words.  Addiction can be a hopeless cycle of self loathing and self destruction and while I'm not sure I believed yet that it was possible for me to have a better life, I tucked that seed of hope deep into my inner ground and left it there for safekeeping. 

Like I said, restless and sometimes sleepless nights were part of the withdrawal process from the medication.  At times it was impossible to get comfortable as my body sweat out the chemicals, and peaceful sleep was hard to come by.  During this time I also had one of his books on CD, Inspiration Your Ultimate Calling, and decided to start listening to it.  I am so grateful that I did.  Not only would I listen to it over and over throughout the day but I would also listen to it at night while I tried to find rest.  At that time I didn't have the vocabulary but I now know that what I felt while listening was his message resonating as truth with me.  As I said, in my mind I didn't quite believe that what he was saying was possible for me, but I did know he was speaking truth.  His voice was soothing and filled with love and it brought me comfort during a time when comfort was hard to come by.  He became my companion during those dark days, as I listened to his voice, and little by little it is what helped me to start coming out of my depression.  It would be approximately a year and a half later before I would truly start my journey of sobriety and healing, but his words and teachings planted seeds in me that waited until just the right time to sprout and I never forgot the comfort he brought me.  

I've continued to be inspired by his life and work over the years.  His quotes are written in my journals and on tiny pieces of paper on my desk, I've read his books, watched his movie The Shift, and listened to his radio show and have been touched by his teachings in so many ways.  It is amazing to me the affect one human being, living his purpose on purpose, sharing his message and life, following the callings of his Soul, can have on someone.  And this loving, inspiring teacher affected so many.  

Upon the news of his passing one of my favorite quotes of his popped into my head and hasn't left, "Don't die with your music still in you."  I have always loved that quote.  Wayne died having played all of his music for all the world to hear.  And if affects me so deeply because I don't want to die with my music still in me.

Wednesday morning, September 2nd, I was thinking about this blog post and what I wanted to say.  I was in my garage pacing around and talking out loud to myself and the Universe, as I often do, and I was wondering what it would have been like if he had died with his music still in him, if he hadn't had that freeing moment of forgiving his father, if he hadn't followed the call of his Soul, how myself and so many others would have missed out on his light.

It led me to thinking about how I have been holding back, how my music is still inside of me wanting so much to come out.  When I get to the end of my time here, I want to be able to say that I died with my music out in the world and that I didn't allow fear to keep it locked inside of me.  I want to be able to say that the world was a little better because I was here.  I want the effect he's had on my life, and will continue to have, as well as the affect his death has had on me to mean something.  I want my life to mean something.  I want to be able to say that I spoke my truth, shared my light, shared my experience and the wisdom I've gained.  I want to be able to say that I helped people to heal.  That I brought beauty, healing, empowerment and inspiration to the lives of others.  That I made a difference.  That I helped people remember their wholeness.  That I dove into their wounds with them and helped them to feel and navigate their way out.  

Now remember, I am standing in the open doorway of my garage looking out into the beauty that is my yard as I'm saying this.  Tears are in my eyes as I'm speaking from this deep heart space within me.  As I wipe the tears out of the outer corners of my eyes I say, "Because I believe that lives can be reclaimed, I believe that empowerment can be reclaimed, I believe that wounds can be healed and that we can do beautiful things in this world."  As the last word comes out of my mouth, a hummingbird flies around the corner and hovers right in front of my face for a couple of seconds, looking right at me, so close I could reach out and touch it, and then flies away.

And I laughed while simultaneously being choked up with emotion because that was a sign for me, from the Universe.  And I open heartedly received that message with such gratitude.  And out of my mouth came, "I am worthy," as a realization not an affirmation.

On Hay House Radio, David Kessler had said that Wayne Dyer's sudden leaving was "a wake up call to us all."  And I believe that.  Thank you Dr. Wayne Dyer for shining your light into my life, for bringing me comfort and inspiration.  Thank you for being love, reminding us that we are all Divine Love, and for being a beautiful example of living a conscious human life.  My love goes out to his family, friends and the numerous people whose lives he has touched.  May I use your inspiring example to be a vessel for love, inspiration, and healing so that I die with my music fully out in the world.

So let's bring light to some more shame, shall we...

It feels as if I have been absent from my blog for far too long.  And in true Tia fashion I am back with a very long, and very necessary post.  

"I don't wanna live to waste another day underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made..." Shinedown, "Breaking Inside"

November 3, 2014

Usually I don’t ask myself, how much sharing is too much?  How much vulnerability is too much?  How much transparency is too much?  But I came to a point within the last couple of months in which I began to wonder about sharing a particular piece of my story.

Robin Roberts said, “Make your mess your message.”  And I agree with that statement.  There’s treasure buried within our stories, our challenges, our heartache, our pain, our love, our joy.  It is through the digging deep within all of those parts of us, and gathering the treasure that lies in wait for us there, and then sharing that, that we can live in service to ourselves and others.  I believe deeply in the importance of that.

Yet, there is a tiny piece of my story I have not shared.  And a seed was planted, seemingly out of nowhere, (but I know it was in fact a message from my Soul), which asked the question, do I share that particular piece?  Would there be a benefit to others and myself?  What would the implications be, if any?  I had to sit with that and gain clarity, and watch the signs that appeared.

Four weeks ago I had to make a trip to the dentist.  At first I didn’t get the connection but it became all too clear as I sat in that dentist chair.  It started with a pain in my tooth.  I knew the signs and recognized that the third abscess of this particular tooth was beginning.  I took some ibuprofen for the discomfort , garlic for the infection, and worked through the affirmations for an abscess in You Can Heal Your Life,  but every day I woke up with the infection spreading and more of my face swelling.  Despite my best natural efforts I knew it was time to visit the dentist.

I am not a person who is uncomfortable with, or afraid of the dentist.  But as I sat in the chair I became very uncomfortable.  While I have had no issue writing about the addiction that is part of my past and about being in recovery, what I do not write about is the damage that my teeth suffered during that time.  I am not sure if it was that, the medication I was on the first time I got clean to help me stay that way, or the bulimia I struggled with in the past.  Regardless, my teeth are in bad shape, and that is an understatement.

When people make jokes about others lacking teeth, I don’t laugh because it makes me uncomfortable as I understand the shame of it.  While I was gifted by someone in AA with an upper front partial, I am still very careful when I talk to make sure I don’t open my mouth too much, and to smile with my mouth closed.  So, imagine my anxiety at having to open my mouth and have my teeth examined by people I don’t know. 

What is interesting is that I thought I had worked through all of the shame of my past addiction as I have spent the past 5 years and 5 months digging into myself and bringing a light to all of my dark spaces so that I can continue to heal.  In 2013 a sudden and painful breakup brought all the tiny bits of shame that had been hiding out up to the surface.  While I acknowledged it to a point, I obviously didn’t dive as deeply into it as I needed to and on some level I knew that.

So, as I sat in that dentist chair and opened my mouth, all of those fragmented slivers of shame came rushing up and gathered together to form the shape of tears in my eyes.  The whole time they were examining my mouth I had to fight them back.  There I was, fully exposed in all my past and it felt horrible and embarrassing and I wanted to crawl in a hole.

As I said, while I openly write about being in recovery (some here and here) I do not announce it to everyone that I meet.  And I suppose it’s easier to write about it here where I don't really know the people who read it and I probably won't come face to face with any of them.  Most of those that I do personally know already know my story.  Having a stranger that I am face to face with know, just by looking at some part of me, left me feeling very exposed.

I was worried about being judged as, unfortunately, there is a lot of judgment around addiction.  Some people have a difficult time understanding the nature of it and why it can be so difficult for an addict to just stop.  But what I was literally brought face to face with is that it was not outside judgment I was afraid of, it was my own.  If I had truly healed all of the shame of my past addiction then I would not be concerned with what other people thought.  My fear of the judgment of others was simply a mirror of my own judgment of myself. 

During that entire examination neither the dentist nor his assistant looked shocked or horrified which, to be perfectly honest, I had expected them to.  While the dentist knew that I was in recovery, he did not judge me or make any rude comments at all.  He asked if I had done meth because he sees a lot of my type of teeth issues with that particular drug and I said no.  My past drug of choice was on the tip of my tongue but even though they were being so kind, I could not speak it.  The dentist even apologized later for asking that as he was concerned it had offended me which, I assured him, it had not.  They were nothing but kind and compassionate and gentle, there was nothing in anything they did that offended me.   

Yet, when I stood up to leave my legs would not move.  The shame that had pooled up in my eyes started rolling down my cheeks.  I buried my face in my sweatshirt and cried.  The dental assistant came over to me, put her hand on my shoulder and apologized.  “It’s okay,” I told her, “I have been clean and sober for over five years and I thought I worked through the shame but apparently not because I feel really embarrassed.”  She kindly proceeded to tell me a story about her own father who is also in recovery and let me know that, on some level, she understood. 

While I do give myself credit for talking about how I was feeling, especially to a stranger, as I would not have done that in the past, I still left the office and cried, wanting nothing more than to go home and hide.

And that is exactly what I did, I skipped dropping off my much needed antibiotic prescription and I went home.  The thing about being body deep in a moment of shame like that is that it feels like you are completely transparent, as if someone can merely look at you and know your story, know all of your darkest parts.  After a short period of hiding out I went back out to get my antibiotics but I did not feel any better. 

I am not content to just be in a place like that, feeling so low, without looking for the gift, the meaning, and what needs to be acknowledged so that I can begin my climb out.  My mind started spinning, twirling, and dancing it all around.  It’s still a practice for me but I have found that the key is to feel how I feel and to be where I am at without wallowing in it.  Practice.  I knew that I had to be there and feel the shame and I also knew that bringing the light to it, and sharing it, was the key out.  The only way out is through the door marked ‘in.’   

I am a healer and one of the avenues I use to help people heal is through my gift of writing and, in a sense, truth telling, telling my truth that is.  There are other avenues I have gifts in as well yet I hold back because I speak truth from my mouth and the state of its insides is nothing I am proud of.  So, I think to myself, how can anyone value what I say when it comes from that place.  And yes, I do know better but this is where I was at.

I have left out a piece of my story, as mentioned at the beginning, and I realized that holding that piece of truth in, as well as the shame and judgment I have had about it, had manifested itself into an infection that left my mouth, and my face, swollen, my face being the part of me that I show the world (You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay).

The truth is that, statistically speaking, I should be dead, in prison, or living on the streets.  The truth is that I was a heroin and pill addict.  The truth is that even among drug dealers there is a huge cloud of judgment, a giant mister yuck sticker type cloud hovering over that particular drug, and the average person has no lack of judgment with that as well.  The truth is that the only way for me to heal the shame of that, even as I write this I can feel the heavy energy of it in my body as it stirs and awaits its way out, is to share it, to bring light to it.  I have been clean and sober for 5 years, 5 months and some odd days and the only way for me to help others and give hope to those who may be where I have been, is to share it.

My journey into heroin addiction and out into sobriety started me on a path of healing and spirituality that I am beyond grateful for.  It, along with other challenges in my life, has blessed me with the gift of being a “wounded healer.”  One of many gifts it has blessed me with actually.  If I am ashamed of part of that journey then it makes it difficult for me to value the gifts it has blessed me with.  I can't make my “mess my message” if I hide part of the mess.  I can’t inspire others to open to that part of themselves, to tell their truth and own and honor their stories if I hide part of mine.  The energy of that will radiate out and who will trust me with their stories if I sit in judgment of my own?

I wouldn't change it.  Granted, there are some things in the story of my life that a small part of me would like to change but I still wouldn’t even if I could.  I wouldn't change it because coming out the other side, healing, transforming, continuing to heal and transform, being able to help others, opening to my gifts, learning to love myself (still navigating through that one) and be gentle with myself, along with the wisdom and treasure I have uncovered along the way have been worth it all.

If I feel ashamed of it I dishonor my journey, I dishonor myself and I dishonor my gifts.  How can I grow forward from that space?  I cannot.  As I have said, for me to own my gifts, to value them, to stand fully and beautifully in my power, light must be brought to the gloomy dark damp spaces of shame.

Will people judge me?  I’m sure that some people will but I don’t have to be one of those people.  My journey is about me, the evolution of my Soul and how I can use my journey to help others through theirs.  It’s not about them. 

The thing is, there is such beauty and treasure and wisdom in the perceived messes of our lives.  They are imperfectly perfect and if we bless and embrace them and stay open to the treasures within them, the treasures will reveal themselves.  I feel that it is so important to share our stories, to bring light to our dark and shamed and seemingly broken places because that is how healing takes place.

During one of my feeble attempts at sobriety, many years ago, I remember reading in one of Wayne Dyer’s books that he had left addictions behind.  And I remember thinking that if he had addictions and is now this amazing author and spiritual teacher, then maybe just maybe there was hope for me.  When we tell our stories, when we out our shame and refuse to let it fester any longer, we give hope to those who are going through similar situations and we let people know they are not alone.

Does that mean I am not scared?  Of course I am scared, I am actually a little terrified and part of me is screaming, “Tia, what the hell are you about to do?!  But I refuse to be held hostage by the darkness and the shame.  I refuse to hold back my gifts any longer because I judge my story or am afraid someone else will.  So here’s to being brave!

Day 32: Lessons learned from a selfie

I don't take selfies, well I didn't until today.  For a long time I didn't even have a picture of myself for my Facebook profile, instead I used a picture of my art.  To be honest, I generally do not like pictures of myself and am not a big fan of having my picture taken.  I've only started included pictures of myself on my profile over the past year or so and only with family, none by myself, until today.

I took the picture to include in a journal spread for the art journaling class I'm taking, Book of Days.  I almost didn't do it, I thought about using a picture of myself as a child instead but I'm intent on getting outside of my comfort zone and healing energy patterns and I knew this was something I had to do for me.

It really is just a picture right?  But I took 9 of them before I got one that I liked.  And I only kind of liked it.  It's strange because when I look in the mirror I see a different girl than the one that looks back at me from photos.  I thought about that a lot.  Why is it I look in the mirror and can see a pretty girl but I look at photos and see flaws?  Interesting question.  What came to mind is that perhaps what I see when I look at a picture is what I feel the world sees.  I know who I am on the inside and I know that I am a beautiful person.  I think that deep down we all are, which may seem strange given what some people do but I believe it's in there, under all the hurt and pain and wounds that some people have.  But anyway...I know me, I know my stories, my wounds, what I have been through, how I have healed, who I am.  But the rest of the world doesn't know that.  Perhaps it is the judgement of others I see when I see myself in photos, or, perhaps that is just a reflection of some deep seeded judgement I have toward myself.

Just think, all of that from a selfie.  I definitely see meaning in all things and I am glad that I do.  It has definitely given me something to think about, not that I don't already have enough going on in there as there are many deep things on my mind these days.  But I know that things come to my attention and are reflected to me at the exact time I need to be aware of them.  For that I am grateful.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Here's a sneak peek of the page I'm doing for the class I mentioned above, it's not done yet but I am loving it so far.

Day 31: Following my muse for another day

Work in progress from this morning

Work in progress from this evening

(Effy Wild is hosting another Blog Along as, for reasons you can read about on her blog here, she decided to start over in May and I have decided to continue and follow along as there is much I still wish to write and share about.  So, here goes another day.)



Before I start these are pics of the painting I am currently working on, one from this morning and the other from this evening.  It's amazing the difference in the colors in the pictures as this morning I had natural light and this evening it was not.

I know that yesterday I said I would write about empowerment and how I was thinking about where exactly I am in my Dreams but...

At first I felt guilty about not finishing and posting it because I said I would and it is important for me to establish trust and consistency.  If I was just blowing it off then the guilt would be justified but I am not.  The truth is that I have spent most of the day on creative projects.  I did some cleaning this morning as well and was going to clean some more when I stopped myself.  I often allow myself to get caught up in the little details and use that as a reason to avoid my creativity.  I am working to change that pattern so I stopped myself today because I did clean and really, the rest of it could wait until tomorrow.  My Soul was calling me to paint and the class I'm taking was calling me to creatively play and the bracelet I am making for a gift was calling for me to bead it and I had to answer.  I wanted to answer.

When I answer that call I let my Soul and my Creativity know they are important.  When I answer the call I let my Soul and my Creativity know they are important.  When I answer that call I allow joy and Divine connection into my Life.  So, I answered the call and have been lost joyfully in it today.  Paint on my fingers, projects all over my studio, books bound, stamping and gluing and beading...  It's been wonderful!  So I won't guilt myself into feeling badly about that and instead will allow myself to feel the magick, wonder and joy in that.

I did, however, start to work on the empowerment/where am I in my Dreams post so I will continue to work on it tomorrow, if that is where my Soul leads me and when It is ready, I promise I will post it.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 30: Internet troubles

I've been working on my painting for hours, lost in the process, a little tired but not ready to stop the flow. I went to sit down to write up my blog post an hour ago and I had no internet :(  Luckily I do have it on my phone but it's a little time consuming and tedious to write up a long post on it.  So this will be short and sweet.

Aside from my painting I also finished my hand bound hand made journal for the class I'm taking and am excited to do the first weeks lesson in it.  I also cut and glued foam for a cushion for the pallet chair I made.

On the internal from I've been thinking a lot about empowerment today as I had a dream last night that I discussed it with someone.   I've also been thinking about my Dreams and where myself and my "Core Desired Feeling" (Danielle LaPorte) are within them.  More on all of that plus an updated picture of my painting in progress tomorrow.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 29: Painting in progress

My painting in progress

For weeks I have felt the call to paint but I have ignored it, which has caused me to feel increasingly...icky, for lack of a better word.  True, I did work on and finish the journal page I posted the other day but that's not the kind of painting I have been called to do.  I have felt drawn to the canvas, I have even seen myself painting over and over in my mind.  Ignoring that call is resistance, and each time I ignored it the resistant energy built up more and more.  As I was walking down the driveway today, thinking about this, I decided that I was going to go inside and just paint because it is my desire to follow my Soul and I knew it would make me feel better to release that energy on to the canvas.  So that is exactly what I did.

I was inspired by a time lapsed YouTube video of Donna Downey painting from a couple of years ago.  This painting is definitely outside of my comfort zone but I am loving the process of it, just letting it flow and doing things in a way I haven't done them before.  It felt good to paint again and I didn't want to stop but there was a blog to do and meditation I'd like to do because I did not take the time to meditate this morning.

I also spent some time today getting my paper and cover ready to bind a journal for Effy Wild's Book of Days class that I am taking.  It has been what feels like a long time since I have made and bound my own journal so I am very excited for that project.  I got as far as putting my signatures together and picking out my cover material and then I couldn't find my waxed linen thread, which I really wanted to use, and I also wanted to paint so I set it aside.  I think I am just going to use Hemp cord for my binding thread because that is what I have and can find.

Inspiration definitely started to flow as I was painting today and there are a number of projects that have been wanting my attention that energy started to flow for again today.  And that feels really good.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 28: Out of sorts

It's Day 28 in the land of Effy Wild's April Blog Along and I am feeling a little out of sorts this evening.  I was going to try to write through it, as I had something planned to write about but, to be perfectly honest, I am just not feeling it today.  So, instead of forcing it, the resulting energy of which would not feel good to anyone, I am going to leave it at, "this is all she wrote."

One more thing, aside from my wonkiness this evening I am actually SUPER excited because I signed up for Effy Wild's Book of Days Premium today!  It was a belated Happy Birthday to me gift purchased with a gift card that my mom had gotten me for my birthday at the end of March.  It was an empowering decision to make actually.  And the class is very much in alignment with my wanting to establish an art journaling practice, as a spiritual practice which is something I've written about in my journal more than once over the past few months.  I'll write more tomorrow about why that was an empowering choice for me and how it was right in line with my core desired feelings (Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map) for tomorrows blog.

That's all for now.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia