Day 16: Digging deep to center...resenting my Soul?

Trigger Warning:  For anyone who has sexual abuse in their history, I do briefly talk about it in my post today.  

"My blogging has been missing heart, vulnerability, transparency.  It's missing connection.  It's missing Soul."

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning.  I was thinking about me, wanting to connect at a deep level, my blog writing, my life.  I know I am capable of more, I've done more before.  I was, and have been, feeling a block and was spending some time reflecting on what it is.  Here's what came forth in my journal this morning:

Dig deep.  What is below the surface?  (I sat for a moment and just started writing.)  Resentment towards my Soul.  How does it feel to write that?  I feel guilt, I feel this pressure in my throat because I can feel that I have so much to get out as far as that's concerned.  I feel sadness, heavy emotion, and relief.  Relief because saying it claims it and until it is acknowledged, it can not be healed.  That idea of resenting my Soul has been playing in the back of my mind, as I contemplated if I felt that way.  I feel that clues have been pointing me in that direction.  I have been missing Soul.  And I think that is where the problem has been with creating, writing, connecting back to my passion for my Dreams.  That stuck feeling.  That feeling that I know I am being led to something yet resisting it to the point of misery.  And I can't take it anymore.  This place that I am in right now doesn't feel like me.

So today I sat down with determination to get to the root of this.  I have been setting intentions everyday when I wake up but those intentions have had to bang up against this cement was of resistance.  In writing that statement, "Resentment towards my Soul," a crack has appeared and the light of clarity is beginning to trickle through.  I resent my Soul.

I never thought I would feel that way.  Never thought I would say such a thing.  Yet one of my intentions lately has been to connect deeply to my Soul and once an intention is set with desire, the Reflective Surface of my Life tends to show me the gap between where I am and where I desire to be.

I believe that part of why we are here is for the evolution of our Souls.  I believe that Life and our Souls draw us to moments to remind us of Who We Really Are.  How we handle those moments, whether we follow them or go in a different direction, who we decide to be in relationship to them, is all up to us.  I believe that we co-create our reality at a human level and a Soul level.  My Soul is the heart and essence of Who I Really Am, who I have been, who I will be.  My Soul holds all the answers, holds my wounds, holds my joys, holds my Dreams and my Purpose.  If it is a true desire for me to be, do, or have something, then those seeds were planted in my Soul and a way exists for it to manifest in a way that is for the benefit of my Highest Good and the Highest Good of all.

Last year I experienced an unexpected and very painful ending of a relationship, which I wrote about here.  And I've written a bit about navigating through it in the early part of last year.  Navigating through the grieving process has been a challenge.  There has been much pain, loss, shame, blessings, gifts and opportunities within the beauty of it, which I do not yet see but am still open to seeing.

I believe that, for reasons I do not yet understand, and reasons that I may not understand until I am rebirthed back into the realm of Spirit, our Souls have chosen this for the Highest Good of both of our evolutions.  I have believed that from the beginning but, through the veil of grief and pain, I haven't always been able to feel that.

I have learned so much about myself, I have taken healing steps, I have let bits and pieces go, I have dug down deep within my depths to find the story of origin, the first broken heart, and I have, at times, gotten stuck in it all.  There are still fragments that require healing and those fragments hang in the air, producing this haze and fog, making it difficult at times to access myself, my awareness, my joy, the Heart and Soul of me.  It is time for those fragments to go as I know they no longer serve me and I will navigate through that process as best as I can and figure it out as I go.

I recognize that part of that process is getting to the truth of where I am.  And that truth is that somehow I started to resent my Soul for the loss and the heartbreak that I couldn't quite accept.  I lost some of my faith, sticking myself in the muddy contradiction of, "I know this is for my Highest Good," and, "How can this be for my Highest Good."  I fell back into the Land of VictimHood as my resentment means I am blaming my Soul instead of taking co-creative responsibility, instead of having faith and trusting the process of Life, the Universe, my Soul and the Divine Creative forces of it All.

I was hurt by it and when I am hurt I disconnect and put up a wall.  And this resentment took time to manifest.  Last summer I felt the call and pull of my Soul to move up here to TN and I followed it.  But little by little, piece by piece I abandoned that faith and started to resent.  As I think about it, I am not sure I lost faith as much as I turned my back on it.  How can I trust my Soul when the energy of resentment, because I was hurt by where I was led, surrounds it and makes it difficult to reach.  But I look back on my life and my Path and see many challenging painful situations and they all have worked out for my Highest Good.  I see the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in 99% of it from being molested as a child to my journey through, and recovery from, addiction.  But my perspective of life was not then what it is now and I didn't see things that way when I was going through them.

As a child, I don't remember knowing I had a Soul.  I'm not sure how but I did seem to know there was this 'God' (in the biblical sense) entity that people spoke of.  Part of the heartbreak of origin for me was feeling 'left out in the cold' by that entity when I would lay in bed at night and pretend I was sleeping so my stepfather at the time wouldn't come into my room.  Looking back I felt abandoned and broken hearted by life, by this 'God', by my parents- all of it equates to the heartbreak of origin.  Therapy brought me through the process of healing that.  And now, as I look back, having processed, having healed, having let go of pain and stories and wounds, I see them all so differently now.  While recognizing there are still stories and wounds left to heal.

Recovery from addiction brought me to a whole new depth of this spiritual and healing journey.  It brought me to a place of wanting to heal and figuring out how to.  It brought me hope.  It brought me new and every-changing beliefs and perceptions.  It brought me to learning how to love myself, which I am still learning how to do.  It brought me peace.  It brought me to my Soul and to the Divine, to Spirit.  And I formed a relationship with them and with myself, one I had never had before.  And I loved it and life.

That does not mean that I didn't have challenges because I did, I just navigated through them.  But this challenge, this one cut deeper than most and has been more difficult to journey through, which tells me that there are big lessons here for me and major things that I need to remember about Who I Really Am at my deepest level.

I do not want to feel any resentment toward my Soul.  I know it is not my Souls fault, it has always led me to my Highest Good, whether I realized it at the time or not.  Yet, I also know that it is important to honor how I feel and work through it.  And right now, that is how I feel.  I was building a relationship with my Soul and I was hurt within it.  And I know that was not the intention behind it as the Soul does not work on that level.  I understand that it is my perception of what happened that is causing the issue with how I feel.  I did what I always do when I am hurt, throw up a wall and close off.  And honestly, I'd rather learn how to lean into it and stay open because it no longer serves me to do it the way I have been doing it.  It just is no longer who I choose to be.  I choose to bring healing to this, I choose to forgive and I choose to let go  I know that if there is difficulty forgiving and letting go it is because there are emotions that haven't been felt.  So, I choose to feel them, I choose to process them, and I choose to heal it all.

Brick by concrete brick of resistance, I intend to take the wall down, break it apart, blow it up and open back up to my Soul, to the Universe, to Life, to Spirit.  I choose to open my heart back up and live from that place of deep connection and love within myself and my Soul.

I can feel there is much here to explore and feel my way through.  And I am determined to take this journey and come out the other side a truer version of Who I Really Am.

I know it was a long one, thank you for sticking with me.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

 

Day 4: Empty spaces

We are not meant to fill the empty spaces, the holes, the vast void in others.  We are not the right shape, size, or substance to do so.  Sadly, too many of us walk away from childhood not only not knowing that's what we are doing, but also not knowing that we feel "not enough" because we could not fill those spaces within the influential people of our lives.  That's nobody's fault as people can't teach what they do not know and have not been taught themselves.

Still the issue remains that some of us spend our lives not knowing that a portion of our energy blocks come from feeling like we are not enough.  And if we are aware enough to understand that we feel that way, how many people truly understand that the reason might be that, as children, we could never fill those holes in other people.  If we just did this or that, we would be enough, good enough, worthy of love and positive attention from the people in our environment.  We struggle and strive to be able to do something worthy, something to help them see us for who we are.  But it seems they just don't.  We don't understand that we have handed over responsibility for declaration of our worthiness, of our enoughness, to a vast majority of other people and other situations, all outside of us.  When the truth is that we are the only ones who can truly declare it, as our declaration of it is the only one that matters and that that declaration has to come from the inside out, not the outside in.

I think that, as children, unless we are taught otherwise, it is natural to assess our world and worth based on the responses we get from our environment and the people in it.  I said "natural" to, I did not say it is the healthiest way.  It happens and unless we become aware of it as adults and teach our children that they are the ones who make the declaration of their value and worth, then unfortunately this unhealthy method will continue.  But I digress.     

I originally started the above post on December 31st, 2013.  Often times when I am creating and/or writing and I'm think about what to do or write next, I have to get up and start walking around.  When I got to that point with this post, my thoughts started rapid firing, the anger and resentment swelled up within me and I was ready to get up on my soap box and start wagging my finger in imaginary faces.  It wasn't pretty and it wasn't helpful.  Well, it was helpful to me because it pointed to deep dark places which still were (and some still are) in need of feeling and healing.  But to write a blog post in that state would not have been helpful.  While anger is a natural emotion, there is healthy anger and there is resentful, bitter, pissed off anger.  I didn't feel the later would be all that helpful in the state I was in.

So I let the post sit.  I hibernated with it.  I dug deep into many internal spaces over the winter.  I put it on the back burner and let it slowly simmer, allowing other background parts of me to figure it all out.  The other day my Soul and the Universe whispered some wisdom to me.  "The idea that we have empty spaces is an illusion.  We are not at all empty, we just come to believe we are."  I'm surprised I didn't understand that before because I believe that we are already whole, we are born that way.  Part of the healing journey is traveling back to the space of remembrance in which we knew we were whole and in the realization that we never stopped being whole.

Through the process of life some people come to believe they have empty spaces within themselves, perhaps it's a lack of fulfillment, or painful wounds, something or someone, that has caused them to feel this sense of a void that needs to be filled.  Lacking awareness or simply not knowing better, they search to find something or someone to fill the illusion of that deep dark hole inside of themselves.  We fill our voids with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, you name it.  And sometimes, in our pain, we try to make other people fill up our empty spaces.  Sometimes we try to shape our children into the right size and stuff them into our empty spaces, not realizing that when we do that they wind up feeling like not enough because they can't possible fit into that space.  Not only because, like I said, other people are not the right size, shape, or substance, but also because there is no space to fill.

Trust me, I've felt those empty spaces inside and I know that when I felt them they felt very real, very cold, very hollow.  I searched high and low to find something to fill it up.  I tried filling it up with drugs and all that did was temporarily numb the pain while slowly taking the life out of me.  And while I am grateful for that journey, that journey is filled with a lot of pain and self-loathing.  The only true way to relieve the pain associated with the illusion of emptiness is healing.  The only way out of feeling that way is through the door marked "in."  The door to our inner world, the door that goes into all the pain, hurt and deep dark places that exist within us.  To dig deep into our stories and our perceptions and our beliefs and bring the light of healing to all of that.  And through that healing process we come to realize that we were whole the entire time, we just forgot.  Just like in The Wizard of Oz when the good witch reminds Dorothy that she had the power all along.  And so do we.

Perhaps if we changed our perspective and entertained for a moment the belief that,  no matter how empty, how broken, how lost we may feel, we are in fact brilliantly beautifully whole divine beings.  What if we entertained that thought?  What if we lived our life for just one day from that place?  What if we believed that healing is the answer, the thing that will bring us back to that feeling of wholeness from which we were born?  What if?

With love and light,
Tia