Friday, November 1, 2013

Some brutal honesty while working my way out of my self constructed cave of shame...

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."
Joseph Campbell 

It's been almost six months to the day since I posted here.  I've written plenty of blog posts in my journal during that time, and that's where they stayed.  It's been an interesting six months filled with change, challenges, transformation, beauty, and cave dwelling.  I love this quote by Joseph Campbell as there is such truth and beauty in it.  It also reminds me of something I say, "The only way out is through the door marked in."  The only way out of the darkness, the emotions, the anything, is through the door into them.  There is treasure there and I am still growing toward it.  A little brutal self honesty is an important step toward climbing out.  Not the kind of honestly where people tell you that they don't like your hair, your significant other or any other rude remark they hide behind with, "I'm just brutally honest."  Also not the kind in which you say a bunch of negative judgmental things about yourself.  I'm talking about the kind of honesty in which you look at yourself and the reflective surface of your life and assess where you are, what you are truly feeling and avoiding feeling, and if your behaviors are serving you.  Without judgement.  With compassion, kindness, and love.  With the intention to heal.  While honoring where you are at.  

Here are my results of doing just that, in an effort to heal.  I must warn you, this is a long post.

Written October 27th, 2013

Dr. Brene Brown defines shame as, "the intensely painful feeling of being unworthy of love and connection.  She also says, "shame grows exponentially in secret and judgement..." and, "cannot survive being told."

In secret, shame wears many disguises.  We feel shame over things we've done, things that were done to us, and we worry, sometimes without even realizing it, what others will think of us because of it all.  I choose to heal it.  In an effort to heal the shame and, hopefully, to inspire others to do the same, some truth telling is in order.

*  I was writing a blog post in my journal a couple of weeks ago, one that I never posted, and I had to call "bullshit" on myself.  I've talked a little about the "freight train that went through my life, about the "storm," but I never actually said what it was.  The truth is...that I used those phrases to disguise what really happened.  Why?  Because, the truth is, I am ashamed of what happened, embarrassed by what happened.  Normally I don't care what other people think but in this cases I found myself thinking, "what will people think?"  Yes, I told some close friends but, for the most part, I have kept it to myself.  The truth is, this is the short version of what happened:  Once upon a time we were happily in love, happy to be in love.  We both said there was not another person out there for us.  There was mutual love, respect, communication...the whole healthy list of it.  We were planning our future, planning on moving in together.  He was the first person I had been in a relationship with in which I allowed myself to feel his love for me, so I felt that it was real and, because of that, I felt secure.  I trusted in him and his love for me more than anything.  And yes, later I would realize that that was a problem.  One day in October 2012 I sent him a message saying that I loved and missed him.  I received a message back telling me that something had happened and he wasn't himself.  He wasn't ready to talk about it.  He needed time and was asking everyone to be patient.  This was the beginning of the end.  In November I finally heard what happened.  It had to do with his son, his life was shaken, he needed time to heal and put us, "on hold for now."  In December I met him with some of his favorite t-shirts.  All I could feel in his energy was black.  He was drained.  He didn't have time for a relationship.  I asked him if I should wait for him, a heartfelt, "if you can?" was his response.  He asked me to hold on to the rest of his stuff.  I gave him time and space.  In February 2013 I went to his Facebook page because I missed him and wanted to see his face.  I was greeted by a picture of him and a girl he called his fiancee.  The ground dropped out from beneath me.  I tried to get a hold of him, nothing.  The next day I received a text, not a call, a text message explaining that, to have joint custody of his son, he needed to break ties.  Because of a minor record I have from April 2009, a misdemeanor driving on a suspended license and a misdemeanor paraphernalia charge, which he knew about.  And as a side note, not that I hide it here, I have been clean and sober for close to 4 1/2 years now.  He said he did still love me.  He should have told, me he said, and called himself a name for not telling me.  I answered back that there were hoops I could jump through, drug tests I could take, affidavits of character I could provide and that none of what he said explained the fiancee.  And that was it.  No other explanation, no closure, nothing.  Oh, except for telling me to throw away his things because I didn't want him picking them up the day he wanted to because my son would have been home alone and this hurt my son as well.  Other than that, nothing.  So there's the truth of that.    

*The truth is that I am ashamed of what he did to me.  The truth is that the shame pisses me off.  I did not do anything wrong so how do I feel shame.  But it's there which means it needs to be honored to be healed.  The truth is that while I thought I was at peace with who I was, because it has helped me become a much brighter much better version of myself, maybe I'm not as at peace with it as I thought.  Maybe deep down I still hold shame for my past, my addiction.  Maybe I feel that that part of my story makes me unworthy of the love I had.  And yes, I know better, but that doesn't always matter if what you know hasn't yet taken its trip from your head to your heart.  More exploring needs to happen here.

*The truth is, it still hurts.  And I don't want it to anymore.

*The truth is, subconsciously I decided that I was done with the broken heart "stuff."  I felt the pain, I processed some of it, I was semi-vulnerable as I wrote about the pain but not what actually happened.  I walked through it, I kept getting up, I arted it out and I was done.  End of story.

*The truth is, that all I did was put up a damn to keep it all back.  The truth is, I glossed over how I really felt with how I wanted to feel.  Example:  I wrote about how it felt like I lost something but that I knew that what's mine cannot go past me ad if it was meant to be, it would be.  And I truly in my head, believe that.  But I didn't feel that.  I didn't set the intention and work through the process of it moving from my head, where I "knew" it, to my heart where I could "feel" it.

*The truth is that I teach and share the process and the importance of it and here I was, skipping it again.  The truth is, I'm ashamed of that.

*The truth is, while I may be a recovering perfectionist, it continues to rear its head as I wanted to walk through this process, this healing my shattered heart, perfectly.  And yes, I know better than to "should" all over myself.  I'm ashamed that I haven't been walking through it like I "should" and that I continue to "should" on myself.

*The truth is, I am way too hard on myself.  I often hold myself to impossible standards that I can't possibly meet, standards that I wouldn't hold anyone else to.  The truth is, this causes me a great deal of self inflicted frustration.  The truth is, I'm not as compassionate with myself as I am with others and, while it doesn't show in my self talk because I don't say bad things about myself, it does show in the "shoulds."  Sometimes it's as if there is this silent energy attack I impose upon myself; I don't hear it in my head, but I feel it.

*The truth is, I have a lot of anger about what he did, and, I feel, a lot of anger about a lot of things that I have yet to work through.  The truth is, anger and I have a complicated relationship.  The truth is, I don't like anger and I'd rather not feel it.  In my head I know that it is a natural emotion and that it can teach me a lot  However, growing up, anger was directed at me, anger made me feel like I did things wrong, like I was wrong, like I was a burden.  I recognize that those statements are part of an old story, one that isn't true and one that o longer serves me.  Yet still, I find myself projecting it on to the behaviors of others.  It's easier for me to be mad about some small insignificant thing that someone else does than to look at and deal with the real reasons I'm angry.  The truth is that I'm also angry with myself for things that aren't my fault.  The truth is that that pisses me off too.

*The truth is, lately, I am one giant ball of frustration and anger.  And, the truth is that, luckily, I know that I can change and heal that, which is part of the reason I'm doing this.

*The truth is, one of my main coping mechanisms is disconnection.  I unplug, throw up a wall, and hide behind it.  The truth is, I've gotten better at recognizing it but I don't recognize it as quickly as I'd like.  And, the truth is, I am ashamed of that as well.  Why?  Once again, the impossible standards and the "shoulding" on myself.  The truth is, I can feel that I've disconnected from myself, my Source, my Soul, Life, the Universe, and Mother Earth, as well as the people in my life.  The truth is, I've also disconnected from my Dreams.  The truth is, I can't feel the passion I have for my Dreams right now.  The truth is, that breaks my heart.

*The truth is, I am ashamed that I have allowed what he's done to have this effect on me.  The truth is, I have been holding myself hostage with the shame of it, the hurt of it, the disappointment of it, the fear similar pain in other areas of my life.  The truth is, I have been holding myself hostage with the fears, self-limiting beliefs and with the past.  All things I write about NOT doing.  The truth is, even though I know and believe those things, my trouble living them right now makes me feel like a fraud.  Like I am unworthy of sharing the wisdom because right now I'm not living what I know, and that causes me to hide and not share.  The truth is, I know these things and believe these things and it is my intent to live the, as I have up until this point, and my journey through them will help others.  It makes me real, not unworthy.  That is the truth.

*The truth is, sometimes I am a vast contradiction within myself and teeter between the knowing in my head and figuring out how to live in that knowing.

*The truth is, I am far too talented to sit here and play the, "I'm not worthy I need to hide" game.  I'm far too talented to be in this position I am in right now.  That is not conceit, that is recognition of my gifts and talents.  And it's sometimes difficult for me to remember that it isn't about me, it's about using my unique gifts and talents to be of service, to share my life and experiences in order to help others.  I am ashamed that I am not using my unique creative talents and abilities in service right now in the way I know I am here to do.  I've spiraled up around to the "I'm not worthy" wound so many times that I feel like I "should" be living the "I am worthy and I feel it" truth right now instead of still trying to dig myself out of the "I am not worthy" energy rap that I clung to so many years ago.  The truth is, I am grateful tat I at least know that I am worthy in my head and I know that as long as I continue to set the intention for that truth to make it's way from my head to my heart that the how will be revealed and that truth will reach its destination.

*The truth is, I'm having a hard time accepting where I am right now.  I understand that in choosing to resist it, I am choosing to suffer.  I'm not out right saying, "Hey Life, I refuse to accept what is right now.  So there!"  But I am struggling with accepting how things have played out.  Which means that, truthfully, I haven't completely let go.  In that reflective surface of my life I see that what that means is that there are still emotions tied to the event that I have yet to process.  Which leads to another truth, I am having trouble forgiving certain people and the truth is that I am ashamed of that.  Forgiveness is important because it sets me free.  The truth is, as I just said, this tells me there are emotions to be dealt with and, again, as long as I feel them and process them, I will let go and will come to a place of forgiveness.

*Another truth is, tied to the above, I'm having a difficult time with faith, with trusting that this heartbreak is for my Highest Good.  When he sent me the text putting things on hold, it was 11/11/12 at 7:11am.  The 11's were not lost on me, they mean what was happening was for my Highest Good.  What's interesting is that I've lived and walked through plenty of painful experiences and I can see that they were in the interest of my Highest Good, even being molested as a child.  I have seen the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in the challenges of my life.  But this?  I'm struggling with the fact that this is for my Highest Good.  Again, in my head I know it must be, it is a belief I have that resonates as truth for me but it as yet to make the journey to my heart.  The truth is, I am hopeful that processing it all, feeling and healing it all will lead me to that place.  Do you sense a pattern here?  I do.

*The truth is, I have been a little judgmental lately which reflects how I've been judging myself.

*The truth is, I have stepped away from practices that I loved and were important such as, setting positive intentions for the day, choosing to be love, choosing to be of service to myself and others, choosing to see the gifts, blessings and opportunities in everything, choosing to be grateful for all of it.  The truth is, while I know this has its purpose, I miss the girl I was before I let this take a toll on me.  I miss my determination, I miss the go with the flow mostly happy twirling around for the sheer joy of it girl.  Once again, the truth is that healing the emotions is the key and I can choose to do that.

*The truth is, my Soul has been urging me, calling me forward, and the truth is that I have resisted that.  That has led to the truth being that I am tired.  I'm tired of being a giant ball of frustration and resistance.  I'm tired of "failing to launch."  I'm tired of this cave I've been hiding in.  I'm tired of hiding.  And the greatest truth of all is that I HAVE THE POWER TO DO THINGS AND MAKE CHOICES TO CHANGE THAT.  

*The truth is, I thought he took things from me, pieces of who I was like my hope, my sparkle, when in truth, I only allowed myself to believe he did and instead tucked them away for protection.  

*The truth is, I am grateful for the growth and transformation in my life because that means that I have awareness enough to recognize these truths.  I am grateful that I know to look at the reflective surface of my life to see what I'm creating, although it may take me a while to truly look at the reflection.

*The truth is, while I don't completely feel it, I know to be grateful for what I am walking through because I know it will propel me forward.  If I practice being open to the gratitude, and setting that intention, I will feel it one day.

*The truth is, I still believe there is beauty in the breathe of this moment.  Even if I don't feel it, again, I know that if I remain open to seeing it, my eyes will clear to the vision of it.

*The truth is, I'm grateful for the roof over my head, the bed I sleep in, the food I eat, and the friends who provide it.  I'm grateful for all of the people in my life who I love and care about and who truly love and care about me.

*The truth is, I know I'll be okay.  "This, too, shall pass."  As I've said, I know I'll turn these flames, that at times feel like destruction, into flames of transformation and growth, emerging from them a truer, more beautiful version of Who I Really Am.  I just need to remember that.

*The truth is, this has been very helpful and very healing.  I feel like it has helped shake up the energy inside of me that been stagnant for too long.  The truth is, being honest with myself about where I am at is hugely important.  And a truth that bears repeating is the reminder that I have the power, the power to let go, the power to choose acceptance, the power of choice in general.  I have the power to make decisions that serve me.  The power to identify what I'm feeling and to actually FEEL it.  I have the power to heal.  I have the power to take forward steps.  I can hold myself hostage with the past, with what was done, or I can be empowered and remove the shackles and step in to Who I Am and Who I Am Becoming.

*Note:  It's been less than a week since I wrote this in my journal and the "stuck" energy I was feeling has loosened up a great day.  I feel so much better just having written it.
Thank you for witnessing my journey.

May you be blessed with love, light, and healing,

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