Day 16: Digging deep to center...resenting my Soul?

Trigger Warning:  For anyone who has sexual abuse in their history, I do briefly talk about it in my post today.  

"My blogging has been missing heart, vulnerability, transparency.  It's missing connection.  It's missing Soul."

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning.  I was thinking about me, wanting to connect at a deep level, my blog writing, my life.  I know I am capable of more, I've done more before.  I was, and have been, feeling a block and was spending some time reflecting on what it is.  Here's what came forth in my journal this morning:

Dig deep.  What is below the surface?  (I sat for a moment and just started writing.)  Resentment towards my Soul.  How does it feel to write that?  I feel guilt, I feel this pressure in my throat because I can feel that I have so much to get out as far as that's concerned.  I feel sadness, heavy emotion, and relief.  Relief because saying it claims it and until it is acknowledged, it can not be healed.  That idea of resenting my Soul has been playing in the back of my mind, as I contemplated if I felt that way.  I feel that clues have been pointing me in that direction.  I have been missing Soul.  And I think that is where the problem has been with creating, writing, connecting back to my passion for my Dreams.  That stuck feeling.  That feeling that I know I am being led to something yet resisting it to the point of misery.  And I can't take it anymore.  This place that I am in right now doesn't feel like me.

So today I sat down with determination to get to the root of this.  I have been setting intentions everyday when I wake up but those intentions have had to bang up against this cement was of resistance.  In writing that statement, "Resentment towards my Soul," a crack has appeared and the light of clarity is beginning to trickle through.  I resent my Soul.

I never thought I would feel that way.  Never thought I would say such a thing.  Yet one of my intentions lately has been to connect deeply to my Soul and once an intention is set with desire, the Reflective Surface of my Life tends to show me the gap between where I am and where I desire to be.

I believe that part of why we are here is for the evolution of our Souls.  I believe that Life and our Souls draw us to moments to remind us of Who We Really Are.  How we handle those moments, whether we follow them or go in a different direction, who we decide to be in relationship to them, is all up to us.  I believe that we co-create our reality at a human level and a Soul level.  My Soul is the heart and essence of Who I Really Am, who I have been, who I will be.  My Soul holds all the answers, holds my wounds, holds my joys, holds my Dreams and my Purpose.  If it is a true desire for me to be, do, or have something, then those seeds were planted in my Soul and a way exists for it to manifest in a way that is for the benefit of my Highest Good and the Highest Good of all.

Last year I experienced an unexpected and very painful ending of a relationship, which I wrote about here.  And I've written a bit about navigating through it in the early part of last year.  Navigating through the grieving process has been a challenge.  There has been much pain, loss, shame, blessings, gifts and opportunities within the beauty of it, which I do not yet see but am still open to seeing.

I believe that, for reasons I do not yet understand, and reasons that I may not understand until I am rebirthed back into the realm of Spirit, our Souls have chosen this for the Highest Good of both of our evolutions.  I have believed that from the beginning but, through the veil of grief and pain, I haven't always been able to feel that.

I have learned so much about myself, I have taken healing steps, I have let bits and pieces go, I have dug down deep within my depths to find the story of origin, the first broken heart, and I have, at times, gotten stuck in it all.  There are still fragments that require healing and those fragments hang in the air, producing this haze and fog, making it difficult at times to access myself, my awareness, my joy, the Heart and Soul of me.  It is time for those fragments to go as I know they no longer serve me and I will navigate through that process as best as I can and figure it out as I go.

I recognize that part of that process is getting to the truth of where I am.  And that truth is that somehow I started to resent my Soul for the loss and the heartbreak that I couldn't quite accept.  I lost some of my faith, sticking myself in the muddy contradiction of, "I know this is for my Highest Good," and, "How can this be for my Highest Good."  I fell back into the Land of VictimHood as my resentment means I am blaming my Soul instead of taking co-creative responsibility, instead of having faith and trusting the process of Life, the Universe, my Soul and the Divine Creative forces of it All.

I was hurt by it and when I am hurt I disconnect and put up a wall.  And this resentment took time to manifest.  Last summer I felt the call and pull of my Soul to move up here to TN and I followed it.  But little by little, piece by piece I abandoned that faith and started to resent.  As I think about it, I am not sure I lost faith as much as I turned my back on it.  How can I trust my Soul when the energy of resentment, because I was hurt by where I was led, surrounds it and makes it difficult to reach.  But I look back on my life and my Path and see many challenging painful situations and they all have worked out for my Highest Good.  I see the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in 99% of it from being molested as a child to my journey through, and recovery from, addiction.  But my perspective of life was not then what it is now and I didn't see things that way when I was going through them.

As a child, I don't remember knowing I had a Soul.  I'm not sure how but I did seem to know there was this 'God' (in the biblical sense) entity that people spoke of.  Part of the heartbreak of origin for me was feeling 'left out in the cold' by that entity when I would lay in bed at night and pretend I was sleeping so my stepfather at the time wouldn't come into my room.  Looking back I felt abandoned and broken hearted by life, by this 'God', by my parents- all of it equates to the heartbreak of origin.  Therapy brought me through the process of healing that.  And now, as I look back, having processed, having healed, having let go of pain and stories and wounds, I see them all so differently now.  While recognizing there are still stories and wounds left to heal.

Recovery from addiction brought me to a whole new depth of this spiritual and healing journey.  It brought me to a place of wanting to heal and figuring out how to.  It brought me hope.  It brought me new and every-changing beliefs and perceptions.  It brought me to learning how to love myself, which I am still learning how to do.  It brought me peace.  It brought me to my Soul and to the Divine, to Spirit.  And I formed a relationship with them and with myself, one I had never had before.  And I loved it and life.

That does not mean that I didn't have challenges because I did, I just navigated through them.  But this challenge, this one cut deeper than most and has been more difficult to journey through, which tells me that there are big lessons here for me and major things that I need to remember about Who I Really Am at my deepest level.

I do not want to feel any resentment toward my Soul.  I know it is not my Souls fault, it has always led me to my Highest Good, whether I realized it at the time or not.  Yet, I also know that it is important to honor how I feel and work through it.  And right now, that is how I feel.  I was building a relationship with my Soul and I was hurt within it.  And I know that was not the intention behind it as the Soul does not work on that level.  I understand that it is my perception of what happened that is causing the issue with how I feel.  I did what I always do when I am hurt, throw up a wall and close off.  And honestly, I'd rather learn how to lean into it and stay open because it no longer serves me to do it the way I have been doing it.  It just is no longer who I choose to be.  I choose to bring healing to this, I choose to forgive and I choose to let go  I know that if there is difficulty forgiving and letting go it is because there are emotions that haven't been felt.  So, I choose to feel them, I choose to process them, and I choose to heal it all.

Brick by concrete brick of resistance, I intend to take the wall down, break it apart, blow it up and open back up to my Soul, to the Universe, to Life, to Spirit.  I choose to open my heart back up and live from that place of deep connection and love within myself and my Soul.

I can feel there is much here to explore and feel my way through.  And I am determined to take this journey and come out the other side a truer version of Who I Really Am.

I know it was a long one, thank you for sticking with me.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

 

Day 12: Part I: The Universe and my Soul change my blog plans

I had a topic in mind when I sat down to write my blog this evening.  I've noticed that when I start my blog in my journal, as I used to do, it flows better and I feel more connected when writing it, so that's what I sat down to do.  As I always do, I wrote the day of the week on the top left hand side of the page, and I wrote the date out on the other side.  However, instead of writing April 12th, 2014, I wrote March 12th, 2014.  It's my grandfather's birthday, I thought, the one who passed away in December and who I wrote about here.  But wait, his birthday already passed.  I decided to look back in my journal and see what I wrote on that day figuring that maybe it was a bit of guidance from my Soul and the Universe.  It was a short entry:

"It's been about a week and a half since I was 'set free' from my job.  I feel like I've had so much going on.  All these little things to do, and of course [my niece's] painting, which is important, that I haven't had any time to plan, nor to paint.  I'm making time.  Planning my dreams and taking action steps towards them is a priority.  The cards have been saying all these wonderful things but if I don't take action steps, there's no way for some of these things to happen."

The "I haven't had time" syndrome, yet again.  And writing that feels a little woe-is-me-victim-like.  That 'time' statement translates into, "I'm telling myself a story and co-creating what I don't want and what doesn't serve me."  And it translates to, "I'm feeling stuck."  Granted, I don't want to repeat that phrase and continue creating that situation, however, right here, in this moment, that is exactly how I feel...stuck.

I was let go from the job that I mentioned in my journal entry because, as I was told, "it just wasn't working out," and I knew it.  I could feel it.  I was being pulled to start my own thing as I have been for quite some time.  I am a healing coach, and a healer in general.  I am a talented artist.  I am a writer.  And I know that I am a teacher as well.  As the job wore on I knew that it was not where I belonged, I was being nudged elsewhere.  It got to the point where I was dreading coming to work and feeling sick to my stomach while I was there.  And it wasn't a bad job, it was in an industry I wanted to be in and the people were great, it just wasn't for me.  More about that another time.  As a side note though, the reason it was an industry I wanted to be in was because, well, it was a cop out.  I didn't have the courage to go forth and blaze my own trail into the land of my dreams so I settled for a job in an industry I care about.

In so many ways I was, and am, being guided that now is the time to do for it.  To be brave, to dive into my Soul and partner with it to use my dreams to be of service to myself, and to others.  Life is telling me that I am ready now, as ready as I will ever be.  I need to take action now.  And what am I doing?  Allowing myself to get caught up in the illusion of "not enough time." Allowing myself to get caught up in the everyday life stuff.  The stuff that we all have to do like grocery shopping, dinner, laundry, cleaning.  The problem is that I sometimes use those things as an excuse to not do all of those things that would move me toward my dreams.  And everytime I say/write those words I reinforce and create more of the same, catching myself in this endless loop of too much to do.  And what message am I sending to my Dream, to Life, to the Universe when I make those choices?  That my Dreams are not a priority.  And really, that I a not enough of a priority in my life because my Dreams are my passion and I'm not cultivating that for myself.  That is NOT at all what I wish to create.  And I am not a victim in this.  I can change the words I say to myself, I can dig things out and heal things and make empowering choices for myself and my dreams.

the painting I did for my niece

I have done enough internal digging and healing to know that there's something underneath the excuses and the seeming stuckness.  I mean, I've barely painted at all this year, (aside from some in progress paintings that I posted pictures of here, the journal picture I shared here, the painting for my niece, a painted t-shirt, and a pendant), let alone taken steps toward dream building.

I haven't created much of anything, art or dream wise and that leaves me with a sinking in my Soul.  I need to create on a regular basis, in many ways, shapes and forms.  I love it!  Creativity pumps through my veins.  It lights me up.  One time when I was in my creative flow and creating a set of personalized oracle cards for a close friend and someone came in to get me and told me that I was glowing my energy was so bright.  And I feel that.  It is a deep part of who I am, as is helping people to heal, and I feel as if I have kept myself from it lately.

And this isn't the first time, I have been here before, peeling back layer after layer of this issue.  I am determined to heal this place that I keep revisiting.  As well as healing whatever it is that has me clinging to "I don't know how" when I try to make plans for action steps as far as my Dreams are concerned.  It's interesting, "I don't know" is what I say when I really do know but I am afraid to face what I know and do it.

So, what is it?  What's the issues buried way down deep beneath it all?  A couple of weeks ago I asked myself that question in my journal.  Softly I heard a voice speaking truth from the depths of my Soul.  The answer surprised me.  I asked, "What is it?  Why am I having trouble moving forward?  Why is it that I am scared?"  The answer: "Because it will change everything."

Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia