are you living from your story or your soul...your wounds or your wisdom?

When I was out wandering around Facebook land yesterday, I came upon some heartbreaking comments from people who feel unlovable, unworthy, ugly, and like a hopeless cause.  My heart went out to them as there were times in my own life when I felt those ways about myself.

I noticed that those comments weren't necessarily made to ask for advice but more of a telling of their story, of their wounds, of their victimhood.  Loving mindful people reached out and said loving things and gave wonderful advice, but still they clung to their story, to their wounds, to their victimhood.  I understand.  There have been times in my life when I've argued for my victimhood without even realizing I was doing it.  There were many times I argued for my stories, identified with my wounds, I didn't know there was another way.  I would tell the story of how I wasn't lovable because no man ever stayed in my life.  In active addiction I told myself the story that there was no way out, there was no hope, addiction was how I would spend the rest of my life.  I would tell the story of how I couldn't pursue my dreams because I was too busy being there for everyone else and they needed me.  I would tell the story of how everyone in my life would be better off if I wasn't in it.  And then I got clean and sober and began to heal.

Sometimes we've told the story so many times, for so long, that we aren't even aware that we are doing it.  Everytime we tell the story of our wounds, of how things never work out, of how this certain thing always happens to me, we breathe life into those stories and those wounds.  Everytime we tell them with the emotion that comes along with them, we empower our stories and our wounds and we disempower ourselves.

So, my question is, what is your story?  If you feel stuck, if you feel like you're struggling, if you feel like a certain area of your life isn't working out the way you'd like it to...what is the story you are telling about it?  Write it down and read it out loud to yourself.  Write down the story of how you want your life to be.  Compare the two and ask yourself:  Am I living from my story?  Am I living from my wounds?  Am I dragging my past into my present and reacting to current situations from past stories and wounds?  Am I living from my Soul?  Am I living from my wisdom?

Are you willing to let go of your story and your wounds?  Are you willing to entertain the possibility of healing, of a better story, of a better life?  Yes, it can be scary to let go of what has become so familiar to you, I understand that.  And I'm not at all saying it will be easy or that it will happen overnight.  What I am saying is that healing is a choice and the best and only place to start is from exactly where you are.  You have the power within you to make the choice to heal.  Any inner wound can be healed and no one is a hopeless case.

When you make the choice to heal you begin the process of calling your power back from all of those stories and all of those wounds that you've given your power to your whole life.  I can tell you from experience that as you dig into yourself and begin to heal, you will find treasure.  As you feel your emotions, as you process, as you work through your wounds and bring healing light to them, as you change your stories, those wounds and those stories transform into wisdom.  And the best part is that if you do the healing work you begin to feel better and better.  You find a peace within you that you didn't know existed.

Healing is possible for everyone, I believe that to the core of my being.  No one is hopeless.  You can choose healing, you have the power.

Sending you all love and light,
Tia

  

Because I don't want to die with my music still in me

"Don't die with your music still in you."

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer (1940-2015)

I wrote this blog post in my journal on September 4th, 2015

If you are familiar with Dr. Brene Brown, you know she talks about having a "vulnerability hangover," which is pretty much the regret you feel when you feel you've shared too much, and boy did I ever have one!  Obviously as it's lasted 10 months.  My last post, on November 7th, 2014, left me feeling more vulnerable, raw, and exposed then I was comfortable with.  In that post I had written that I understood that there might be people that will judge me but that I wasn't going to be one of those people.  The after affects of publishing that post, coupled with experiences I've had with people in my environment over the past 10 or so months, have shed light on the fact that I do still judge it and the reason I do is because I have not felt the fullness of the guilt and shame that hover around that part of my story.  I am navigating through bringing compassion to it, through feeling that guilt and shame and forgiving myself so that I can continue to grow forward.

But still, that "vulnerability hangover" left me feeling like I didn't want to show my face again.  Since my last post I have penned numerous posts in my head, made a list of things I wanted to write about, and even wrote some of those things down on paper.  None of those things were strong enough to get me to show up again, as much as I wanted to, until now.

On the morning of August 31st, I learned that one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, had died over the weekend in his sleep.  Never have I been so deeply impacted by the death of a public figure.  I was choked up on Monday as the news sank in.  And while I understand death to be a transition, a birth back into non-physical, my heart is heavy and saddened by the loss of his physical presence.

Dr. Wayne Dyer was one of the first spiritual/motivational teachers I had exposure to.  His teachings, how he walked his path, the love that filled his voice when he spoke, had a very profound effect on me and my life.  Although I never had the opportunity to meet him or see him speak in person, I admired him, respected him, looked up to him and wanted to be my own version of what he taught, what he stood for, and who he was.  To take all that inspired me about him and bring them into my own unique gifts, talents and abilities.  

In the fall of 2007, while teetering between using and not using, I decided to go off of all of my medications (an antidepressant, an antianxiety, and a medication to help with opiate addiction) cold turkey, without the guidance of my doctor.  I think it goes without saying but I am going to say it anyway, I do NOT recommend doing this.  For the record, "not using" is not the same as sobriety.  While the medication prescribed to me for opiate addiction did, at times, help me to not use, I did not change anything internally, I did not do any healing work, therefore, the medication had become a crutch.

The withdrawal process of not being on the medication was not a fun time.   Due to my mental preparation it was not as bad as it could have been but that does not mean it was good.  There were restless nights, a lot of them, I couldn't get comfortable, I wasn't sleeping well at all, and I became very depressed.  Enter Dr. Dyer.  I don't even know where the book came from but I am so thankful that I had it and that I decided to read it.  I also don't remember which book it was but I do remember he talked about having had addictions.  I remember stopping when I read that.  I don't remember my first exposure to him but I knew of him, he was a spiritual and motivational teacher, he had had addictions and look at him now.  At that point I didn't know I was a healer, I didn't know that part of my purpose here was to help people on their healing journeys, but still, it gave me hope in a way that I can't accurately put into words.  Addiction can be a hopeless cycle of self loathing and self destruction and while I'm not sure I believed yet that it was possible for me to have a better life, I tucked that seed of hope deep into my inner ground and left it there for safekeeping. 

Like I said, restless and sometimes sleepless nights were part of the withdrawal process from the medication.  At times it was impossible to get comfortable as my body sweat out the chemicals, and peaceful sleep was hard to come by.  During this time I also had one of his books on CD, Inspiration Your Ultimate Calling, and decided to start listening to it.  I am so grateful that I did.  Not only would I listen to it over and over throughout the day but I would also listen to it at night while I tried to find rest.  At that time I didn't have the vocabulary but I now know that what I felt while listening was his message resonating as truth with me.  As I said, in my mind I didn't quite believe that what he was saying was possible for me, but I did know he was speaking truth.  His voice was soothing and filled with love and it brought me comfort during a time when comfort was hard to come by.  He became my companion during those dark days, as I listened to his voice, and little by little it is what helped me to start coming out of my depression.  It would be approximately a year and a half later before I would truly start my journey of sobriety and healing, but his words and teachings planted seeds in me that waited until just the right time to sprout and I never forgot the comfort he brought me.  

I've continued to be inspired by his life and work over the years.  His quotes are written in my journals and on tiny pieces of paper on my desk, I've read his books, watched his movie The Shift, and listened to his radio show and have been touched by his teachings in so many ways.  It is amazing to me the affect one human being, living his purpose on purpose, sharing his message and life, following the callings of his Soul, can have on someone.  And this loving, inspiring teacher affected so many.  

Upon the news of his passing one of my favorite quotes of his popped into my head and hasn't left, "Don't die with your music still in you."  I have always loved that quote.  Wayne died having played all of his music for all the world to hear.  And if affects me so deeply because I don't want to die with my music still in me.

Wednesday morning, September 2nd, I was thinking about this blog post and what I wanted to say.  I was in my garage pacing around and talking out loud to myself and the Universe, as I often do, and I was wondering what it would have been like if he had died with his music still in him, if he hadn't had that freeing moment of forgiving his father, if he hadn't followed the call of his Soul, how myself and so many others would have missed out on his light.

It led me to thinking about how I have been holding back, how my music is still inside of me wanting so much to come out.  When I get to the end of my time here, I want to be able to say that I died with my music out in the world and that I didn't allow fear to keep it locked inside of me.  I want to be able to say that the world was a little better because I was here.  I want the effect he's had on my life, and will continue to have, as well as the affect his death has had on me to mean something.  I want my life to mean something.  I want to be able to say that I spoke my truth, shared my light, shared my experience and the wisdom I've gained.  I want to be able to say that I helped people to heal.  That I brought beauty, healing, empowerment and inspiration to the lives of others.  That I made a difference.  That I helped people remember their wholeness.  That I dove into their wounds with them and helped them to feel and navigate their way out.  

Now remember, I am standing in the open doorway of my garage looking out into the beauty that is my yard as I'm saying this.  Tears are in my eyes as I'm speaking from this deep heart space within me.  As I wipe the tears out of the outer corners of my eyes I say, "Because I believe that lives can be reclaimed, I believe that empowerment can be reclaimed, I believe that wounds can be healed and that we can do beautiful things in this world."  As the last word comes out of my mouth, a hummingbird flies around the corner and hovers right in front of my face for a couple of seconds, looking right at me, so close I could reach out and touch it, and then flies away.

And I laughed while simultaneously being choked up with emotion because that was a sign for me, from the Universe.  And I open heartedly received that message with such gratitude.  And out of my mouth came, "I am worthy," as a realization not an affirmation.

On Hay House Radio, David Kessler had said that Wayne Dyer's sudden leaving was "a wake up call to us all."  And I believe that.  Thank you Dr. Wayne Dyer for shining your light into my life, for bringing me comfort and inspiration.  Thank you for being love, reminding us that we are all Divine Love, and for being a beautiful example of living a conscious human life.  My love goes out to his family, friends and the numerous people whose lives he has touched.  May I use your inspiring example to be a vessel for love, inspiration, and healing so that I die with my music fully out in the world.

So let's bring light to some more shame, shall we...

It feels as if I have been absent from my blog for far too long.  And in true Tia fashion I am back with a very long, and very necessary post.  

"I don't wanna live to waste another day underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made..." Shinedown, "Breaking Inside"

November 3, 2014

Usually I don’t ask myself, how much sharing is too much?  How much vulnerability is too much?  How much transparency is too much?  But I came to a point within the last couple of months in which I began to wonder about sharing a particular piece of my story.

Robin Roberts said, “Make your mess your message.”  And I agree with that statement.  There’s treasure buried within our stories, our challenges, our heartache, our pain, our love, our joy.  It is through the digging deep within all of those parts of us, and gathering the treasure that lies in wait for us there, and then sharing that, that we can live in service to ourselves and others.  I believe deeply in the importance of that.

Yet, there is a tiny piece of my story I have not shared.  And a seed was planted, seemingly out of nowhere, (but I know it was in fact a message from my Soul), which asked the question, do I share that particular piece?  Would there be a benefit to others and myself?  What would the implications be, if any?  I had to sit with that and gain clarity, and watch the signs that appeared.

Four weeks ago I had to make a trip to the dentist.  At first I didn’t get the connection but it became all too clear as I sat in that dentist chair.  It started with a pain in my tooth.  I knew the signs and recognized that the third abscess of this particular tooth was beginning.  I took some ibuprofen for the discomfort , garlic for the infection, and worked through the affirmations for an abscess in You Can Heal Your Life,  but every day I woke up with the infection spreading and more of my face swelling.  Despite my best natural efforts I knew it was time to visit the dentist.

I am not a person who is uncomfortable with, or afraid of the dentist.  But as I sat in the chair I became very uncomfortable.  While I have had no issue writing about the addiction that is part of my past and about being in recovery, what I do not write about is the damage that my teeth suffered during that time.  I am not sure if it was that, the medication I was on the first time I got clean to help me stay that way, or the bulimia I struggled with in the past.  Regardless, my teeth are in bad shape, and that is an understatement.

When people make jokes about others lacking teeth, I don’t laugh because it makes me uncomfortable as I understand the shame of it.  While I was gifted by someone in AA with an upper front partial, I am still very careful when I talk to make sure I don’t open my mouth too much, and to smile with my mouth closed.  So, imagine my anxiety at having to open my mouth and have my teeth examined by people I don’t know. 

What is interesting is that I thought I had worked through all of the shame of my past addiction as I have spent the past 5 years and 5 months digging into myself and bringing a light to all of my dark spaces so that I can continue to heal.  In 2013 a sudden and painful breakup brought all the tiny bits of shame that had been hiding out up to the surface.  While I acknowledged it to a point, I obviously didn’t dive as deeply into it as I needed to and on some level I knew that.

So, as I sat in that dentist chair and opened my mouth, all of those fragmented slivers of shame came rushing up and gathered together to form the shape of tears in my eyes.  The whole time they were examining my mouth I had to fight them back.  There I was, fully exposed in all my past and it felt horrible and embarrassing and I wanted to crawl in a hole.

As I said, while I openly write about being in recovery (some here and here) I do not announce it to everyone that I meet.  And I suppose it’s easier to write about it here where I don't really know the people who read it and I probably won't come face to face with any of them.  Most of those that I do personally know already know my story.  Having a stranger that I am face to face with know, just by looking at some part of me, left me feeling very exposed.

I was worried about being judged as, unfortunately, there is a lot of judgment around addiction.  Some people have a difficult time understanding the nature of it and why it can be so difficult for an addict to just stop.  But what I was literally brought face to face with is that it was not outside judgment I was afraid of, it was my own.  If I had truly healed all of the shame of my past addiction then I would not be concerned with what other people thought.  My fear of the judgment of others was simply a mirror of my own judgment of myself. 

During that entire examination neither the dentist nor his assistant looked shocked or horrified which, to be perfectly honest, I had expected them to.  While the dentist knew that I was in recovery, he did not judge me or make any rude comments at all.  He asked if I had done meth because he sees a lot of my type of teeth issues with that particular drug and I said no.  My past drug of choice was on the tip of my tongue but even though they were being so kind, I could not speak it.  The dentist even apologized later for asking that as he was concerned it had offended me which, I assured him, it had not.  They were nothing but kind and compassionate and gentle, there was nothing in anything they did that offended me.   

Yet, when I stood up to leave my legs would not move.  The shame that had pooled up in my eyes started rolling down my cheeks.  I buried my face in my sweatshirt and cried.  The dental assistant came over to me, put her hand on my shoulder and apologized.  “It’s okay,” I told her, “I have been clean and sober for over five years and I thought I worked through the shame but apparently not because I feel really embarrassed.”  She kindly proceeded to tell me a story about her own father who is also in recovery and let me know that, on some level, she understood. 

While I do give myself credit for talking about how I was feeling, especially to a stranger, as I would not have done that in the past, I still left the office and cried, wanting nothing more than to go home and hide.

And that is exactly what I did, I skipped dropping off my much needed antibiotic prescription and I went home.  The thing about being body deep in a moment of shame like that is that it feels like you are completely transparent, as if someone can merely look at you and know your story, know all of your darkest parts.  After a short period of hiding out I went back out to get my antibiotics but I did not feel any better. 

I am not content to just be in a place like that, feeling so low, without looking for the gift, the meaning, and what needs to be acknowledged so that I can begin my climb out.  My mind started spinning, twirling, and dancing it all around.  It’s still a practice for me but I have found that the key is to feel how I feel and to be where I am at without wallowing in it.  Practice.  I knew that I had to be there and feel the shame and I also knew that bringing the light to it, and sharing it, was the key out.  The only way out is through the door marked ‘in.’   

I am a healer and one of the avenues I use to help people heal is through my gift of writing and, in a sense, truth telling, telling my truth that is.  There are other avenues I have gifts in as well yet I hold back because I speak truth from my mouth and the state of its insides is nothing I am proud of.  So, I think to myself, how can anyone value what I say when it comes from that place.  And yes, I do know better but this is where I was at.

I have left out a piece of my story, as mentioned at the beginning, and I realized that holding that piece of truth in, as well as the shame and judgment I have had about it, had manifested itself into an infection that left my mouth, and my face, swollen, my face being the part of me that I show the world (You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay).

The truth is that, statistically speaking, I should be dead, in prison, or living on the streets.  The truth is that I was a heroin and pill addict.  The truth is that even among drug dealers there is a huge cloud of judgment, a giant mister yuck sticker type cloud hovering over that particular drug, and the average person has no lack of judgment with that as well.  The truth is that the only way for me to heal the shame of that, even as I write this I can feel the heavy energy of it in my body as it stirs and awaits its way out, is to share it, to bring light to it.  I have been clean and sober for 5 years, 5 months and some odd days and the only way for me to help others and give hope to those who may be where I have been, is to share it.

My journey into heroin addiction and out into sobriety started me on a path of healing and spirituality that I am beyond grateful for.  It, along with other challenges in my life, has blessed me with the gift of being a “wounded healer.”  One of many gifts it has blessed me with actually.  If I am ashamed of part of that journey then it makes it difficult for me to value the gifts it has blessed me with.  I can't make my “mess my message” if I hide part of the mess.  I can’t inspire others to open to that part of themselves, to tell their truth and own and honor their stories if I hide part of mine.  The energy of that will radiate out and who will trust me with their stories if I sit in judgment of my own?

I wouldn't change it.  Granted, there are some things in the story of my life that a small part of me would like to change but I still wouldn’t even if I could.  I wouldn't change it because coming out the other side, healing, transforming, continuing to heal and transform, being able to help others, opening to my gifts, learning to love myself (still navigating through that one) and be gentle with myself, along with the wisdom and treasure I have uncovered along the way have been worth it all.

If I feel ashamed of it I dishonor my journey, I dishonor myself and I dishonor my gifts.  How can I grow forward from that space?  I cannot.  As I have said, for me to own my gifts, to value them, to stand fully and beautifully in my power, light must be brought to the gloomy dark damp spaces of shame.

Will people judge me?  I’m sure that some people will but I don’t have to be one of those people.  My journey is about me, the evolution of my Soul and how I can use my journey to help others through theirs.  It’s not about them. 

The thing is, there is such beauty and treasure and wisdom in the perceived messes of our lives.  They are imperfectly perfect and if we bless and embrace them and stay open to the treasures within them, the treasures will reveal themselves.  I feel that it is so important to share our stories, to bring light to our dark and shamed and seemingly broken places because that is how healing takes place.

During one of my feeble attempts at sobriety, many years ago, I remember reading in one of Wayne Dyer’s books that he had left addictions behind.  And I remember thinking that if he had addictions and is now this amazing author and spiritual teacher, then maybe just maybe there was hope for me.  When we tell our stories, when we out our shame and refuse to let it fester any longer, we give hope to those who are going through similar situations and we let people know they are not alone.

Does that mean I am not scared?  Of course I am scared, I am actually a little terrified and part of me is screaming, “Tia, what the hell are you about to do?!  But I refuse to be held hostage by the darkness and the shame.  I refuse to hold back my gifts any longer because I judge my story or am afraid someone else will.  So here’s to being brave!

Day 32: Lessons learned from a selfie

I don't take selfies, well I didn't until today.  For a long time I didn't even have a picture of myself for my Facebook profile, instead I used a picture of my art.  To be honest, I generally do not like pictures of myself and am not a big fan of having my picture taken.  I've only started included pictures of myself on my profile over the past year or so and only with family, none by myself, until today.

I took the picture to include in a journal spread for the art journaling class I'm taking, Book of Days.  I almost didn't do it, I thought about using a picture of myself as a child instead but I'm intent on getting outside of my comfort zone and healing energy patterns and I knew this was something I had to do for me.

It really is just a picture right?  But I took 9 of them before I got one that I liked.  And I only kind of liked it.  It's strange because when I look in the mirror I see a different girl than the one that looks back at me from photos.  I thought about that a lot.  Why is it I look in the mirror and can see a pretty girl but I look at photos and see flaws?  Interesting question.  What came to mind is that perhaps what I see when I look at a picture is what I feel the world sees.  I know who I am on the inside and I know that I am a beautiful person.  I think that deep down we all are, which may seem strange given what some people do but I believe it's in there, under all the hurt and pain and wounds that some people have.  But anyway...I know me, I know my stories, my wounds, what I have been through, how I have healed, who I am.  But the rest of the world doesn't know that.  Perhaps it is the judgement of others I see when I see myself in photos, or, perhaps that is just a reflection of some deep seeded judgement I have toward myself.

Just think, all of that from a selfie.  I definitely see meaning in all things and I am glad that I do.  It has definitely given me something to think about, not that I don't already have enough going on in there as there are many deep things on my mind these days.  But I know that things come to my attention and are reflected to me at the exact time I need to be aware of them.  For that I am grateful.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Here's a sneak peek of the page I'm doing for the class I mentioned above, it's not done yet but I am loving it so far.

Day 31: Following my muse for another day

Work in progress from this morning

Work in progress from this evening

(Effy Wild is hosting another Blog Along as, for reasons you can read about on her blog here, she decided to start over in May and I have decided to continue and follow along as there is much I still wish to write and share about.  So, here goes another day.)



Before I start these are pics of the painting I am currently working on, one from this morning and the other from this evening.  It's amazing the difference in the colors in the pictures as this morning I had natural light and this evening it was not.

I know that yesterday I said I would write about empowerment and how I was thinking about where exactly I am in my Dreams but...

At first I felt guilty about not finishing and posting it because I said I would and it is important for me to establish trust and consistency.  If I was just blowing it off then the guilt would be justified but I am not.  The truth is that I have spent most of the day on creative projects.  I did some cleaning this morning as well and was going to clean some more when I stopped myself.  I often allow myself to get caught up in the little details and use that as a reason to avoid my creativity.  I am working to change that pattern so I stopped myself today because I did clean and really, the rest of it could wait until tomorrow.  My Soul was calling me to paint and the class I'm taking was calling me to creatively play and the bracelet I am making for a gift was calling for me to bead it and I had to answer.  I wanted to answer.

When I answer that call I let my Soul and my Creativity know they are important.  When I answer the call I let my Soul and my Creativity know they are important.  When I answer that call I allow joy and Divine connection into my Life.  So, I answered the call and have been lost joyfully in it today.  Paint on my fingers, projects all over my studio, books bound, stamping and gluing and beading...  It's been wonderful!  So I won't guilt myself into feeling badly about that and instead will allow myself to feel the magick, wonder and joy in that.

I did, however, start to work on the empowerment/where am I in my Dreams post so I will continue to work on it tomorrow, if that is where my Soul leads me and when It is ready, I promise I will post it.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 30: Internet troubles

I've been working on my painting for hours, lost in the process, a little tired but not ready to stop the flow. I went to sit down to write up my blog post an hour ago and I had no internet :(  Luckily I do have it on my phone but it's a little time consuming and tedious to write up a long post on it.  So this will be short and sweet.

Aside from my painting I also finished my hand bound hand made journal for the class I'm taking and am excited to do the first weeks lesson in it.  I also cut and glued foam for a cushion for the pallet chair I made.

On the internal from I've been thinking a lot about empowerment today as I had a dream last night that I discussed it with someone.   I've also been thinking about my Dreams and where myself and my "Core Desired Feeling" (Danielle LaPorte) are within them.  More on all of that plus an updated picture of my painting in progress tomorrow.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 29: Painting in progress

My painting in progress

For weeks I have felt the call to paint but I have ignored it, which has caused me to feel increasingly...icky, for lack of a better word.  True, I did work on and finish the journal page I posted the other day but that's not the kind of painting I have been called to do.  I have felt drawn to the canvas, I have even seen myself painting over and over in my mind.  Ignoring that call is resistance, and each time I ignored it the resistant energy built up more and more.  As I was walking down the driveway today, thinking about this, I decided that I was going to go inside and just paint because it is my desire to follow my Soul and I knew it would make me feel better to release that energy on to the canvas.  So that is exactly what I did.

I was inspired by a time lapsed YouTube video of Donna Downey painting from a couple of years ago.  This painting is definitely outside of my comfort zone but I am loving the process of it, just letting it flow and doing things in a way I haven't done them before.  It felt good to paint again and I didn't want to stop but there was a blog to do and meditation I'd like to do because I did not take the time to meditate this morning.

I also spent some time today getting my paper and cover ready to bind a journal for Effy Wild's Book of Days class that I am taking.  It has been what feels like a long time since I have made and bound my own journal so I am very excited for that project.  I got as far as putting my signatures together and picking out my cover material and then I couldn't find my waxed linen thread, which I really wanted to use, and I also wanted to paint so I set it aside.  I think I am just going to use Hemp cord for my binding thread because that is what I have and can find.

Inspiration definitely started to flow as I was painting today and there are a number of projects that have been wanting my attention that energy started to flow for again today.  And that feels really good.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 28: Out of sorts

It's Day 28 in the land of Effy Wild's April Blog Along and I am feeling a little out of sorts this evening.  I was going to try to write through it, as I had something planned to write about but, to be perfectly honest, I am just not feeling it today.  So, instead of forcing it, the resulting energy of which would not feel good to anyone, I am going to leave it at, "this is all she wrote."

One more thing, aside from my wonkiness this evening I am actually SUPER excited because I signed up for Effy Wild's Book of Days Premium today!  It was a belated Happy Birthday to me gift purchased with a gift card that my mom had gotten me for my birthday at the end of March.  It was an empowering decision to make actually.  And the class is very much in alignment with my wanting to establish an art journaling practice, as a spiritual practice which is something I've written about in my journal more than once over the past few months.  I'll write more tomorrow about why that was an empowering choice for me and how it was right in line with my core desired feelings (Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map) for tomorrows blog.

That's all for now.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 27: A quick afternoon trip

Today was a beautiful Spring afternoon, nice and warm with a gentle breeze that was just the right temperature.  My son's father has been to Asheville, NC a couple of times and has said that everytime he goes there that city has my name written all over it.  Since I only live 1 1/2 hours away, and I have been wanting to go check it out anyway, I decided to take a little afternoon trip there.

Because I only have a Michael's here and I miss my A.C. Moore and JoAnn Fabrics, the first thing I do when I am going to a new town is see if either of those stores are there.  I was super excited to see that both of those stores are there.  I was easily side tracked today and left way later than I wanted to so I decided to only go to JoAnn's so that I would have time to see downtown, which was my main reason for going.  Is it sad that I was so happy to be in a JoAnn Fabrics again?  The smell of the store, all of the beautiful fabrics and threads, stamps and papers...it was a beautiful thing.

On to downtown and I absolutely LOVED it there.  I wish I had gone on a Saturday and had left earlier in the day because there were stores that were closed and SO much to see.  There were so many great unique little stores, book stores, restaurants and an art gallery.  That was probably my favorite part, fun, unique, beautiful and sometimes quirky art work, it was so inspiring!  And there was this cute hippie type skirt that I fell in love with and am inspired to do my own twist on.

I loved the energy of the downtown area, the people, the stores, the everything!  It was a fantastic little trip and I am looking forward to going back again soon.

Day 26: She's finally done!

Just a little bit of art today.  After many days and much work she is finally finished.  It was a bit of a rough road with this one.  At one point I hated the background and I almost walked away from it and, while I've had those moments of dislike with art before, I've always just stayed with it.  Thanks to Effy Wild's paint over "Wildly Inspired" Episode, which I just so happened to be watching when I got to that walk away point, I decided to go back and paint over most of the background.  I'm so glad I did as I really like the way it turned out.

I hadn't planned on the Easter type theme, it just flowed forth and I followed it.  At the last minute the eggs called for Runes to be placed on them.  It speaks to me of Spirit, Spring, Renewal, Rebirth.

The more I look at her the more I think I like her.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 25: Rain and resistance and letting go, oh my

It rained off and on today.  One moment it was pouring down rain, I came out of a store and the sun was shining and it was warm, I came out of another store and it was raining again.  I do love the rain, the smell and the sound and the feel of it.  I think though, that it relaxes me a little too much, to the point of not wanting to do anything.  Combine that with the big ball of resistance I allowed myself to be today and that meant me not getting much accomplished.  I felt like I was doing more avoiding and wandering than anything.

I did to to deep places, thought about letting go and about everything that ties to the questions I shared yesterday, that I saw on the Adyashanti episode of "Super Soul Sunday."  I also thought about acceptance.  Adyashanti also talked about saying "yes" to each moment, even if the moment seems less than desirable, and I have been contemplating my relationship to that.

That is where I have spent a lot of my time today and while the big ball of resistance was with me, I actually listened to it and learned something.  Intellectually I have let go over and over and over again because it is my intent to heal and not carry and drag things along with me.  But today resistance showed me that, while I have made that choice intellectually, I have not made it wholeheartedly and I am still holding on by my pinky.  On one hand it seems silly to do that because I know the choice boils down to letting go and having peace or holding on and suffering.  On the other hand I also know that knowing something on an intellectual level is just one step in the process as there is a journey that it needs to take from my head to my heart so that it can be rooted there.  And while I know the benefits of letting go, I have written about them and it is one of the many things I help people with, I also know that having trouble letting go usually means there are emotions tied to the event that have not been felt.  So it is back to the drawing board with that because, for it to take that trip from head to heart and root itself there, the path needs to be clear of the hurt and pain and whatever other emotions are hanging out there.  And today I am also wondering if another reason for the resistance is that letting go makes it..real and permanent.  I know that that is a trick of the mind as it already is real and what I cling to by just my pinky right now, is already gone.  It no longer exists.  So I understand, I get it.  And I know exactly what I would advise a client to do, how I would help them find the gift of empowerment in letting go.  Taking my own advice would be beneficial here and I plan on doing that.

For right now I think I need to paint and create and art the sh*t out of it.  To let it flow from my body, down through my paintbrush, or my favorite painting tools which are my hands, and onto the canvas or in my Art Journal.  I need to open to it and listen to what it has to tell me about myself, my patterns, my life and let it do what emotions are meant to do as they are merely energy in motion and just want to be felt and released.

May you be blessed with light and love,
tia

 

Day 24: Sitting with things

I'm sitting with some things tonight after watching the "Super Soul Sunday" episode with Adyashanti this evening.  Profoundly beautiful.  I always love when I hear teachings that I already knew in a different way that makes me see that I forgot to apply something I knew to certain area of my life.

Adyashanti posed some questions that really made me stop and think about things.  He asked the following, "Since the past isn't here now, how is it that I'm keeping it alive?" and  "How am I sustaining that trauma?" and "How am I traumatizing myself?" and "How am I continuing it?"  To me this speaks of the story of the wound.  I've talked about the effects of holding on to our stories, I've written about it, I've dug into how I might be holding on to my stories but when he asked these questions it really got me thinking about the past year and a half and how I am holding on to a couple of stories, traumatizing myself with them, continuing them.  I could say I should have known better but then I would be "shoulding" all over myself and I try not to do that.

All of these things started coming up and my mind zipped to a number of places, good, deep places that need the light of healing.  I'm in a strange place right now with all of it in which I am pondering it all, understanding some, reflecting on all of it and resisting it all at the same time.

So much of what he said in that show resonated with me, inspired me, moved me and brought me back into the core of remaining wounds.  I am grateful for that as it is my intent to heal those spaces and the only way to heal them is to go deep into them.

So right now I am sifting through it all while doing my best to walk through the resistance, which took me to the TV and a bowl of popcorn and I could've stayed in front of the TV longer but I was determined to walk through it.  Like I said, strange place.  Not a bad place at all because I know I heard exactly what I needed to hear today and it is taking me exactly where I need to be.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 23: When shame is entangled within the beautiful threads of you Dreams

I am an artist, a teacher, a writer, and a healer.  Not quite a year into my healing journey, brought on by my recovery from drug addiction, I started to hear my Soul whisper, "I am a healer."  Prior to this time it wasn't anything I ever considered doing.  But as I began to navigate my Inner World, digging, following trails sorting through it all and pulling up treasure, I felt the incredibly powerful benefit of healing and I wanted to share that with others.  Having been in the trenches of deep emotional wounds from the path that my Soul self and my human self had chosen helped to cultivate this depth of compassion within me that I wanted to bring to the wounds of others.

This passion to help others heal began to grow, evolve, and intensify over time and it was clear to me that coaching would be the best vehicle for me to accomplish that.  I tried studying psychology but found it far too scientific and not at all holistic and that just didn't work for me.  Going through the process, and step work, of recovery from addiction gave me the benefit of helping to heal any shame I had had.  I worked very hard to dig through all the mistakes I felt I had made, to make amends, to forgive others and to forgive myself.

I emerged with a sense of peace regarding the choices I had made during that part of my life, as well as prior to that time.  I saw addiction as a blessing because it brought me deep into this spiritual and healing journey that was full of beauty and peace that, prior to this, I didn't think was possible for me.  It allowed me to begin to form a healthy relationship with myself, as opposed to the dysfunctional one I had had my entire life.  It also helped me to form a relationship with my Soul, with the Divine, with Life and the Universe.  The benefits have been beyond words.

Then the storm came in and left me feeling shattered as I began to navigate through the rocky terrain of grief nurse a broken heart.  He experienced a Life-quake that had to do with custody of his son.  First he pulled away to heal, then he asked me to wait for him if I could while he dealt with the situation kissing me goodbye and telling me he loved me and about two months after that there was a picture of him, his son, and a woman he called his finance on his FaceBook page.  He neglected to inform me, I had to find out by seeing that picture.  When I confronted him about it, through text message because he wouldn't answer my calls, he told me he loved me but that my past raised a red flag and he was worried it would prevent him from getting joint custody of his son so, instead of talking to me about it and finding out if I could've done anything to prove my sobriety, he bailed without telling me.  Keep in mind, this was 3 1/2 years into recovery, he knew me during that time and had seen me change and grow and was proud of me and "the amazingly complex woman" I was becoming.  While he was proud of me when it was him and I, he obviously wasn't so proud of what other people would think.  He was ashamed of me and my past addiction issues and because of those issues I lost him.

Shame is an interesting creature.  I knew the shame wasn't my issue, it was his.  I knew I didn't need to carry his feelings of shame and make them mine.  Yet, still, I watched shame sneak in.  I would write about it in my journal, talk to myself out loud about it, and as I did that and analyzed it I was carrying it around in my pocket, that way I could take it out and look at it and dissect it and, without realizing it, hold on tight to it.

Dr. Brene Brown talks about how shame festers in secret.  I talked a little bit about it but not enough.  And more important than that is that I think I was missing the root of the issue.  When an emotion moves in that is not fully processed and healed, it starts to create this haze that changes not only the way we see things, but whether or not we see them at all.  It clouds everything.  I started to lose that feeling of passion and connection to my Dream of being a Healing Coach and I was struggling to figure out why and how to get that back.  I knew I still had that Dream and purpose, I just couldn't feel it anymore.

I was thinking about all of it today (yesterday) and it hit me, I could not believe I had missed it.  The seeming loss of connection and passion was actually a shame fog that was clouding my Dream.  What happens when your Dream, the reason you have it, the reason that you are good at it, is something that you feel shame about?  How can that Dream be something you nurture, connect to and are passionate about when the very root of the Dream is growing in a toxic cesspool of shame?  It can't.  The poisonous film around it prevents any of the nurturing, passion and connection to permeate it.  

Dr. Brene Brown also says, "Guilt says, 'I made a mistake,' and shame says, 'I am a mistake.'"  And if my Dream is  built within a foundation and environment of "I am a mistake," growth is not possible.  And really it's not that I feel like I personally am a mistake but that is the energy that is surrounding it right now.

It was interesting to me because I was thinking back to when this Life-quake happened to hi and he pulled away and how, for some reason, I became intensely focused on creating my Coaching practice.  I wrote up an information sheet and posted to my Facebook page that I was taking free coaching clients.  And I coached people and it felt amazing and fulfilling.  It flowed naturally from me, gifts coming together in a perfect orchestra of doing what I love-helping people heal, helping from navigate through their own internal world so they could pull up the treasure buried within themselves.

And then I stopped.  Obviously heartbreak had an affect on the entirety of my life and that Dream was no exception.  But it grew into more than that.  I used to gush when I talked about it, the passion would ooze out all over the place and I could feel it in every cell of my being.  Over time that turned into frustration and I would rant about people not healing their shit and the passion was clouded.

Well, I know that I have no cause to be ashamed because of someone else's shame.  I had peace about that part of my past because I knew that part of what I was meant to do was take the wisdom and experience I had gained, and continue to gain, and use it all in service of myself and others.  Like I mentioned earlier, it brought me to the most amazing place in my life.  Somehow I allowed someone else's shame of me to be the food the shame monster fed on and now, I chose to stop.  So, what's the solution?  Posting this blog is part of the solution, bringing light and love to the shame because they can permeate the fog.  I can write about it, art about it, and let it go as it was never mine to carry to begin with.  My Dreams are big and beautiful and part of the reason I am here in the physical incarnation.  There are many people with deep wounds and I can bring healing and empowerment to those deep dark spaces.  How could I ever feel there was anything wrong with that Dream, regardless of the past that brought it forward?  I am a healer and it matters not what brought me to that space, it only matters that I use what brought me there to help others.  And that is what I chose to do.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 22: More to come tomorrow

I do love a beautiful sunset

I had more planned for my blog today, a post about what happens when shame is at the root of ones Dreams.  I have found that my writing flows better and I feel more connected when I write my blog in my journal first.  So I spent 30 to 45 minutes writing it in my journal and it still isn't done yet.  It needs more of my time and attention before it's ready for public consumption.

So, unfortunately another short blog but I promise to make it up tomorrow.  In the meantime all I have to share is a picture of a beautiful sunset I took pictures of outside of my house last night.  I do love the sunrise and sunset, the colors are so brilliant and stunning.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 21: I now have a studio!

Recent events in the house I'm staying at left a bedroom open.  My bedroom and creative space are in the basement.  When the bedroom opened up the plan was for me to move my bedroom upstairs and set up a separate studio space where my bedroom is now.  Every time I thought of doing that I didn't like the thought of having my creative space where there was no natural light.

With the present warming weather and summer coming I decided that I would be okay keeping my room in the much cooler basement.  Which, of course, means that I could put my studio upstairs!

I spent the morning working on a pallet chair for my new studio space (it still needs a back) and building a pallet stand to put an old door on that I was using as a work table.  You can see my obsession with pallets from the picture as there is also a pallet work table and a pallet desk.  I spent the afternoon moving up my essentials, well, a few more things than my essentials but then again, doesn't everything qualify as an essential when it comes to creative supplies?

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my studio space!!!  I can't even tell you how excited I was to begin creating in it but I am sure a lot of you understand.  I spent the evening hanging out in my studio, (I love saying that) and worked on a project and painted the girl I drew days ago in my journal.  If I wasn't so tired I would still be in there but the building, the moving, the up and down the stairs and all of the creating has left me gloriously worn out.  It's a really good worn out.  I can't wait to get back in there tomorrow!

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 20: A whole lot of nothing :)

A moth that came to visit tonight

I hope everyone who celebrates had a wonderful Easter.  I do not celebrate in the religious sense but I do in the baskets, candy, colored eggs and good food with good people sense.  And honestly, the energetic noise of it all wore me out.  I had something planned to write about as I am feeling an easing of the stuckness and a shift in energy but I just don't have the energy to write it.  So, I'm off to relax and maybe do some drawing or painting.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Oh yeah, it only took three weeks but I finally found a name for my puppy: Kamali.  It means spirit guide, protector.

Day 19: A visit from a butterfly

I spied this brilliantly colored yellow and black butterfly from across the yard as it was going from flower to flower all around the tree.  I went up to the tree and started taking pictures, following this beauty around the tree until I got this picture.  It's almost as if it paused and posed just for me.

The butterfly is rich with symbolism: faith, journey of the soul, transition, powerful new beginning.  I know this stunning creature did not catch my attention by accident, I do not believe in coincidence.  I had a moment last night, rather early this morning, as I was walking around the yard at 2 am talking to myself, my Soul, Spirit, the Universe and Mother Nature.  One of those tears in my eyes, pleading for direction, lump of emotional energy in my throat wanting to bust up and out of me type moments.  And it carried over and was with me when I woke up.

But today, after my late afternoon shower, I felt a shift, messages came my way through songs that played, something I read in a book I haven't picked up since December, through conversation, and, with the arrival of this butterfly.  I'm sitting with all of it.  Writing about it.  Doing my best to feel my way into it.  I am grateful for the response to my pleas last night, carried off into the wind.  They are all conspiring for my Highest Good and I forget that sometimes, lately, more than usual.  But I know it to be true.  The key is to figure out how to help all of it make that trip from my head, where I know it, to my heart, where I feel it.  I'm sitting with that as well.  I feel like I am sitting with a lot, working through so much, digging deep, sorting it all out.  Yet, that is the nature of transformation isn't it?

May you be blessed with light and love,
tia  

Day 18: Keeping it Simple Today

Sunset at my house this evening

I love the beauty of the sunset, the brilliant pinks, purples, and bright oranges.  It really is stunning.  I love the beauty of the sunrise as well.  I am a night owl and love the quiet of the night, and I love being up in the morning before anyone else, listening to the birds sing and watching the sun come up.

My plan yesterday was to keep it short and simple but, that just did not happen.  Not that I am surprised, I have a hard time telling a short story.  I start writing and it just flows and I lose time and next thing I know I've written pages in my journal.  And I'm okay with that because I love to write, I need to write.  I love filling the blank page with words, love to start a new journal, love to dig and figure things out among the pages of my journals.  It's where I connect to myself and my lack of writing tells me when I a disconnected or avoiding myself.

Today I really am keeping it simple.  I'm spending some time painting in my art journal while watching The Food Network.  Relaxing.  Easy.  Simple.  And beautiful.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

Day 17: An "ah-ha" about reclaiming my power

"Rather than doing whatever it is you do to ease, mitigate and transform those states of being as acts of 'self-improvement' and 'getting fixed' or 'making better,' what if you approached those rituals and remedies as ways of getting your power.  No fixing and no anxiety rather, a trip to the Limitless Well of Knowing and Reliable Awareness."               -Danielle LaPorte

When I read the above quote I had to stop and write it down, that was two months ago.  I love this quote, I love the message of empowerment in it but, I don't think I fully got it when I read it.  It made sense to me on a surface level ad it obviously spoke to me because I wrote it down.  I think what I was missing was the application of it, the how-to piece of the puzzle for me.

A few days ago I was watching an artist video on YouTube and she talked about how she's a Creativity Coach and she teaches people to establish a creative practice because it's empowering to do so.  When I heard her say that I immediately thought of the above quote by Danielle LaPorte and it all clicked.  The "how do I apply this," piece of the puzzle clicked in to place and I understood what she was saying on a deeper level.  

I realized that doing things that involve self-care, meditating, being creative, taking steps towards my Dreams, those are all acts of empowerment.  So, when I meditate because I enjoy it and I need it to help me center, I am doing more than taking care of myself, I am reclaiming a piece of my power.  When I follow inspiration and dance naked and paint covered and freely with my creativity, I am actually reclaiming a piece of my power.

You see, I had it all wrong.  Even though I knew differently deep down, I was thinking and acting like reclaiming my power was going to happen in one big bold gesture and "BAM," I would have my power back and skip merrily along the rest of my path.  I wanted to make the decision and have my power back immediately; which translates to, I wanted to skip the process.

I know the process cant be skipped and that process is part of the journey yet, I get caught up in the "I just want to be there!"  But I can not skip steps and honestly, I would rather flow with the process because it feels more free.  And I am all about freedom.  The process is what I help people with and I do realize it is because I need to remember it myself.  This is not a new conversation for me, it is a deeper layer.

I was so excited and inspired by the "ah-ha" moment.  It was exciting for me to realize that in doing things for myself and building my Dreams I am taking my power back.  And each step of taking my power back fulfills my desire to be empowered.  I am now in the process of integrating it and allowing the energy of it to work its way through my energy.  Every day as I set my intentions I remind myself that doing these things are acts of empowerment and reclaiming my power.  And I remind myself as often throughout the day that I remember to.  It's a practice and I am being to understand that many things are.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia

  

Day 16: Digging deep to center...resenting my Soul?

Trigger Warning:  For anyone who has sexual abuse in their history, I do briefly talk about it in my post today.  

"My blogging has been missing heart, vulnerability, transparency.  It's missing connection.  It's missing Soul."

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning.  I was thinking about me, wanting to connect at a deep level, my blog writing, my life.  I know I am capable of more, I've done more before.  I was, and have been, feeling a block and was spending some time reflecting on what it is.  Here's what came forth in my journal this morning:

Dig deep.  What is below the surface?  (I sat for a moment and just started writing.)  Resentment towards my Soul.  How does it feel to write that?  I feel guilt, I feel this pressure in my throat because I can feel that I have so much to get out as far as that's concerned.  I feel sadness, heavy emotion, and relief.  Relief because saying it claims it and until it is acknowledged, it can not be healed.  That idea of resenting my Soul has been playing in the back of my mind, as I contemplated if I felt that way.  I feel that clues have been pointing me in that direction.  I have been missing Soul.  And I think that is where the problem has been with creating, writing, connecting back to my passion for my Dreams.  That stuck feeling.  That feeling that I know I am being led to something yet resisting it to the point of misery.  And I can't take it anymore.  This place that I am in right now doesn't feel like me.

So today I sat down with determination to get to the root of this.  I have been setting intentions everyday when I wake up but those intentions have had to bang up against this cement was of resistance.  In writing that statement, "Resentment towards my Soul," a crack has appeared and the light of clarity is beginning to trickle through.  I resent my Soul.

I never thought I would feel that way.  Never thought I would say such a thing.  Yet one of my intentions lately has been to connect deeply to my Soul and once an intention is set with desire, the Reflective Surface of my Life tends to show me the gap between where I am and where I desire to be.

I believe that part of why we are here is for the evolution of our Souls.  I believe that Life and our Souls draw us to moments to remind us of Who We Really Are.  How we handle those moments, whether we follow them or go in a different direction, who we decide to be in relationship to them, is all up to us.  I believe that we co-create our reality at a human level and a Soul level.  My Soul is the heart and essence of Who I Really Am, who I have been, who I will be.  My Soul holds all the answers, holds my wounds, holds my joys, holds my Dreams and my Purpose.  If it is a true desire for me to be, do, or have something, then those seeds were planted in my Soul and a way exists for it to manifest in a way that is for the benefit of my Highest Good and the Highest Good of all.

Last year I experienced an unexpected and very painful ending of a relationship, which I wrote about here.  And I've written a bit about navigating through it in the early part of last year.  Navigating through the grieving process has been a challenge.  There has been much pain, loss, shame, blessings, gifts and opportunities within the beauty of it, which I do not yet see but am still open to seeing.

I believe that, for reasons I do not yet understand, and reasons that I may not understand until I am rebirthed back into the realm of Spirit, our Souls have chosen this for the Highest Good of both of our evolutions.  I have believed that from the beginning but, through the veil of grief and pain, I haven't always been able to feel that.

I have learned so much about myself, I have taken healing steps, I have let bits and pieces go, I have dug down deep within my depths to find the story of origin, the first broken heart, and I have, at times, gotten stuck in it all.  There are still fragments that require healing and those fragments hang in the air, producing this haze and fog, making it difficult at times to access myself, my awareness, my joy, the Heart and Soul of me.  It is time for those fragments to go as I know they no longer serve me and I will navigate through that process as best as I can and figure it out as I go.

I recognize that part of that process is getting to the truth of where I am.  And that truth is that somehow I started to resent my Soul for the loss and the heartbreak that I couldn't quite accept.  I lost some of my faith, sticking myself in the muddy contradiction of, "I know this is for my Highest Good," and, "How can this be for my Highest Good."  I fell back into the Land of VictimHood as my resentment means I am blaming my Soul instead of taking co-creative responsibility, instead of having faith and trusting the process of Life, the Universe, my Soul and the Divine Creative forces of it All.

I was hurt by it and when I am hurt I disconnect and put up a wall.  And this resentment took time to manifest.  Last summer I felt the call and pull of my Soul to move up here to TN and I followed it.  But little by little, piece by piece I abandoned that faith and started to resent.  As I think about it, I am not sure I lost faith as much as I turned my back on it.  How can I trust my Soul when the energy of resentment, because I was hurt by where I was led, surrounds it and makes it difficult to reach.  But I look back on my life and my Path and see many challenging painful situations and they all have worked out for my Highest Good.  I see the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in 99% of it from being molested as a child to my journey through, and recovery from, addiction.  But my perspective of life was not then what it is now and I didn't see things that way when I was going through them.

As a child, I don't remember knowing I had a Soul.  I'm not sure how but I did seem to know there was this 'God' (in the biblical sense) entity that people spoke of.  Part of the heartbreak of origin for me was feeling 'left out in the cold' by that entity when I would lay in bed at night and pretend I was sleeping so my stepfather at the time wouldn't come into my room.  Looking back I felt abandoned and broken hearted by life, by this 'God', by my parents- all of it equates to the heartbreak of origin.  Therapy brought me through the process of healing that.  And now, as I look back, having processed, having healed, having let go of pain and stories and wounds, I see them all so differently now.  While recognizing there are still stories and wounds left to heal.

Recovery from addiction brought me to a whole new depth of this spiritual and healing journey.  It brought me to a place of wanting to heal and figuring out how to.  It brought me hope.  It brought me new and every-changing beliefs and perceptions.  It brought me to learning how to love myself, which I am still learning how to do.  It brought me peace.  It brought me to my Soul and to the Divine, to Spirit.  And I formed a relationship with them and with myself, one I had never had before.  And I loved it and life.

That does not mean that I didn't have challenges because I did, I just navigated through them.  But this challenge, this one cut deeper than most and has been more difficult to journey through, which tells me that there are big lessons here for me and major things that I need to remember about Who I Really Am at my deepest level.

I do not want to feel any resentment toward my Soul.  I know it is not my Souls fault, it has always led me to my Highest Good, whether I realized it at the time or not.  Yet, I also know that it is important to honor how I feel and work through it.  And right now, that is how I feel.  I was building a relationship with my Soul and I was hurt within it.  And I know that was not the intention behind it as the Soul does not work on that level.  I understand that it is my perception of what happened that is causing the issue with how I feel.  I did what I always do when I am hurt, throw up a wall and close off.  And honestly, I'd rather learn how to lean into it and stay open because it no longer serves me to do it the way I have been doing it.  It just is no longer who I choose to be.  I choose to bring healing to this, I choose to forgive and I choose to let go  I know that if there is difficulty forgiving and letting go it is because there are emotions that haven't been felt.  So, I choose to feel them, I choose to process them, and I choose to heal it all.

Brick by concrete brick of resistance, I intend to take the wall down, break it apart, blow it up and open back up to my Soul, to the Universe, to Life, to Spirit.  I choose to open my heart back up and live from that place of deep connection and love within myself and my Soul.

I can feel there is much here to explore and feel my way through.  And I am determined to take this journey and come out the other side a truer version of Who I Really Am.

I know it was a long one, thank you for sticking with me.

May you be blessed with love and light,
tia