Sunday, March 31, 2013

And later that day...

I've been walking through the wreckage of the freight train fairly well I think.  It hasn't been easy but I am healing, processing, growing forward, forgiving, and letting go to the best of my ability.  I got a little push from someone involved earlier this week and it was exactly what I needed, it landed me just outside the storm, just enough to gain some clarity.  Just enough to be able to let go a little more.  This is what I have been pained by, consumed with?

You just don't know when you are going to be faced with something.  I was at the Circle K near my house, lost in the fabulousness of myself and my birthday.  Walking forward, feeling joy and peace.  As I walked out the door of the store it seemed to happened in slow motion, pulling into the Circle K, faced with the wreckage.  Faced with the ashes.  Faced with the pain of a shot gun blast to the chest, that's what it felt like.  Like I couldn't breathe as I sat there in my truck shaking.  I didn't see that coming.  I didn't expect it in the security of my bubble, my neighborhood, my safe space but there it was.  There were a thousand different choices I could have made in that moment, and all of them were not nice.  All I could do was sit there and feel the ground under my feet, know it was there, even if I couldn't feel it.  I started to reach for the phone, for someone that could talk me through it, but I knew I had to just sit and be with myself in that moment.  I pulled out after I gained composure, the energy and sight of it telling me that I had been seen.

I journeyed on my way to Walmart doing my best to process it all.  Really?  On my birthday?  Down the street from my house?  Did you have to do that?  Yet, I also was painfully aware that the timing and circumstances of it were not at all a coincidence.  I don't believe in coincidences.  There was a purpose for all of it and I had to see it at that time, on this day.  Not that it made the pain go away.  The wound is still pretty fresh but maybe not as hot to the touch.  So the choices boiled down to: wallow in it or rise above it?  Which will it be Tia?  Obviously I decided that I was not going to allow anyone to rain on my parade today, no matter how much it hurt.  I choose to rise above it.  It sneaks into my thoughts and I send it light, love, healing, forgiveness, and I let it go.

Part of the pain lies in my perception that I have "lost" something.  If it were truly mine to have, it couldn't be lost.  Everything is working out for my Highest Good.  True, it doesn't always feel that way and letting go of this whole thing has been a process for sure.  There's no skipping the process here.  There's no skipping from gaping open wound vibrating waves of pain to getting the stitches taken out and being healed.  It does not work that way for me.  I haven't "lost" anything.  There is purpose in this event and in the pain of it.  People flow in and out of our lives, it just is.  That's not a very warm and fuzzy thought but, our attachment to people, places, things, stories, what's "mine," that is where the suffering lies.  And the event itself is merely the reflective surface of my life showing me the spaces within me that will benefit from healing.  Easier said than done, I know.  It's in the setting of that intention, repeating it over and over, healing our "stuff," finding bits of peace, and in letting go that brings us to the fulfillment of that intention.  You do the work and one day you make a choice and realize that you are now living that intention.  I look forward to that day.

For this moment I am doing the best I can, allowing myself to feel the emotion of it, releasing and letting it go, all while basking in the glory of my fabulousness and my special day and of all the plans I have for this year.  This was no accident, I gave the freight train directions, told it where I would be and when.  I am accountable for my co-creations, even when I don't understand the levels from within which they are created.  As I said earlier today, I get to tell the story however I choose, and I choose to tell a story of healing, growth and transformation.  A story of finding the way to take steps to co-create all that I have dreamed about doing.  The story of taking flight and soaring far past the stars.  The story of sharing my gifts with the world and living my purpose.  The story of being connected to my center regardless of any storm that may be brewing either within my midst or directly above me.

I am more than a survivor, I am a thrivor.  And I choose to rise above it.

With love and light,

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