Friday, November 30, 2012

The Healing Journey of a Painting...

One of the many things I love about creating art is how healing it can be.  It soothes my soul and gives me an outlet for anything I am going through and/or working on..  There are so many benefits that it is hard to name them all.  This painting, in particular, has been a journey, and an extremely healing one at that.

The idea for this painting came to me after I discovered some old negative energy patterns within me that I wrote about in this blogpost.  Suddenly I had this vision of this hand pulling out what appeared to be a weed with it's attached roots, the weed and the roots representing the old negative energy patterns.  As I played with the idea the hand became two hands as a set of wings pulling the old negative belief patterns from my third chakra, or power center.

I had a painting of a background sitting around that just wasn't working for me, much like those old negative belief patterns.  I decided to wipe the slate clean and gesso the background.  Gesso is like an artist's primer, it primes the surface for whatever medium you might apply to it.  If you don't like a painting or drawing you are working on you can always gesso and/or paint over it.  Similarly, if you don't like the way your life is working out or some of the limiting beliefs that you have, wipe the slate clean and start again.  On the clean slate I wrote out some statements about those negative beliefs, such as "I bless you inadequacy and I lovingly release you from my body and my life.  Blessing something you no longer want in your life and lovingly releasing it from your life is a technique Louise Hay writes about in The Power is Within You.  I have added the part about releasing it from your body because those energy blocks and patterns sit in your body as well so it is important to release them to get the energy flowing again.

After I wrote those statements down and freed myself of the ties that have bound me to those old energy patterns in charcoal pencil I gessoed over it again which gave it a gray tint.  Then I busted out the paints and began painting with my fingers over the surface.  I did not plan on leaving any of the gray visible but once I had a couple of spots of gray surrounded by the aqua I decided it was a good idea to leave it.  It is symbolic of how those things that no longer work for us can add to the beauty of what we are now creating as long as we let them go.

I love the clump of dirt with the straggly roots, as the roots are the words of the old negative energy patterns and the painting represents pulling those out of my power center by the roots.  I also love how, without even intending it, the clump wound up being an upside down heart, telling me that there is love even in the negative beliefs.  They are simply reminders of Who We Are Not, sent to ourselves in love so that we can remember Who We Are.  I decided to write "i forgive" on that clump of old beliefs, forgiving others and also forgiving myself for believing them.  Is that a necessary step?  It depends.  If we are hard on ourselves then we might resent ourselves for believing in such limiting thoughts.  If you simply say to yourself that you forgive yourself for believing those thoughts you will feel whether or not it is necessary for you as you will feel a heaviness inside of yourself if it is needed or you will not feel anything at all which means it is not.

The hands, how I love the hand prints that are wings as they remind me that Divine Intelligence, my Soul, Life, and myself are all co-creating the release of these negative energy patterns from my body and my life.  It is one of my favorite parts of the painting.  The words came to me at the end of the painting, "You are Free...Now You can love You."

Sometimes limiting beliefs get in the way of your loving ourselves.  If we believe we are unworthy, why would we give love to what is unworthy?  We do not need to prove our worthiness as our existence is all the evidence of it that we need.  But limiting beliefs form based on our experiences and they block our ability to see that we are worthy, we are adequate, we are deserving.  Once these patterns have been identified they can be processed, healed, and released leaving us feeling free to give ourselves the love that we were always worthy and deserving of.  Allowing ourselves to live our dreams and create the lives we have always desired but didn't know if we were worthy of having.

This painting represents taking the ashes of my life, the ashes of old limiting energy belief patterns, and sculpting it as a beautiful piece of art as a reminder of where I have been, out of appreciation for that place, and as a constant reminder of how I have healed and continued to move forward.  What ashes can you take and make into a beautiful reminder of how you have healed?

With light and love,

Monday, November 26, 2012


As much as I walk my talk, there are times when I forget to practice the principles I usually live by.  There are times when I am still hard on myself.  And there are times when I forget to allow what is to just be.  Sometimes I need reminders that it is okay to be where I am at, to feel how I feel, and to allow others to be in the space in which they are and feel how they feel.  When speaking with a client I encourage them to feel what they are feeling as well as to allow themselves to be wherever they are.  While I try to remind people of that, luckily, the Universe is reminding me of the same thing.

Today my son was extremely disappointed about something.  The something does not matter as much as how I reacted to it.  As he ranted and raved on the phone to me about it, not at me just to me, I did not react, I just let him have his moment.  When I got home he was in a mood for sure and I tried to do everything in my power to brighten him up and make him laugh.  It worked for a little while, until he was hit with another disappointment and it started all over again.  He was blaming and cursing the Universe and proclaiming it to be one of the worst days of his life.  The energy of it overwhelmed me, because I allowed it to, and I had enough.  I proceeded to tell him that it was okay to be disappointed but his energy was searching for other things to be disappointed about.  If he felt the disappointment and released it, and opened himself to seeing the gifts, opportunities and blessings in it, they would be shown to him.  I said a number of other things to him, including that I didn't even feel like being in the space because I couldn't take the energy of it.  While my intent was to guide and help him, in my reaction instead of response, I was not doing either.  And as I walked out to my lanai and sat down, the reflective surface of my life opened up and showed me myself.

I was wanting him to be somewhere he could not be from where he was at.  I was wanting him to hurry up and get through the disappointment and see the good in it.  I was not allowing him to be in the space he needed to be in for his own growth and his own Highest Good.  I was reminded, as I sat there on the couch on my lanai, breathing in the cool November air, that I can not make him be in a place that he is not.  It is not my job to force him to be somewhere other than where he is.  It is my job to guide him while still allowing him to be in whatever space he needs to be in.  It was a reflection of myself, gently sent to me by Divine Intelligence, that I have been doing the same thing to myself.  As I have written a few times, I am in this intense stage of growth and transformation that is less than comfortable at times.  Just the other day I wrote about the "in-between" place and how it is really just impatience.  But what I did not see was that I was getting impatient with myself, not with the process.  I was wanting myself to be "over" all of it and move on.  I was wanting myself to be in a space that I am not quite able to be in yet.  I was not allowing myself to be where I am, to grow as I am growing, to transform as I am transforming, and to feel what I am feeling through the process.

In my not allowing, I have instead been resisting.  The serenity prayer asks, "...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..."  I think there is an important piece missing and that is the serenity to accept ALL things first, and then continue on with the rest.  It is important for me to accept and allow things to be as they are first, otherwise I try changing things I have not even accepted yet.  It is simply a form of resistance.  This is what is.  Take a moment and breathe into it and allow it to be what is and accept it as it is.  In that moment, in that breath, in the allowing and the accepting, my perception opens up to the guidance that has been there the whole time.  Then I can draw on the courage and strength flowing through me and see the solutions and what can be changed and what cannot.  Otherwise I throw up the block of resistance and search for ways to change it and, essentially, fight it.  That is how it works for me.

I saw so much in the reflective surface of my life after that moment with my son and it had to sit and swirl and dance around inside of me before I gained the insights needed to be able to fully process it.  I have been co-creating but I have not been allowing the opportunities of my co-creations in.  I have been "trying" to accept certain situations, but I have been resisting them by not allowing the people involved, including myself, the time and space needed to process what they and I are going through.  I have been restless and wanting to move forward and all the while, the road opened up but I was still standing there, motionless, just gazing out at the space because I was "stuck" in resistance and could not see that it had opened.  I received significant Divine Guidance this morning that piggy backed on the moment with my son last night.  I received the message that movement is in order now.  And I could not have seen that sign if I had not seen the reflective surface last night.  I had to see that I have not been allowing so that I could release the resistance and allow what is next, what I have been transforming for, into my life.

Everything I have been writing about lately has been a message from my Soul, Divine Intelligence, and Life for me.  Moments I sent myself as reminders of Who I Really Am.  They are also messages for anyone else who might see themselves intertwined within the words.  In this way, along with others, I am able to be of service to myself and others.  As I think back about what I have been writing, it unfolds magnificently for me in transformation, in gratitude, in letting go and letting things end, in allowing it all to be, in allowing myself to be and in allowing it all into my life as I have co-created it.

So I will take the message of movement today (from Colette Baron Reid's Oracle cards),  which says, " can't remain where you are will see your dreams take form and doors previously shut begin to open as if by magic...This isn't the time of fear.  Let it go and move forward."   So I say, feel the fear and do it anyway.  Action in the form of forward motion is where I am at, until guided otherwise.

With love and light,

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Endings, caterpillars, and wings...

What does it really mean for something to "end"?  It means that something is no longer of service to one's Highest Good.  It served it's purpose while it was was, perhaps by promoting growth and transformation, activating characteristics needed to the next part of the journey, showed us Who We Are or Who We Are Not, helped us to gain confidence.  It's simply a transition from one thing to the next.

Our beliefs and perceptions about the "ending" and how we choose to define it determine what comes next.  We could cling to it, refusing to let it go, because we are afraid of being without it, whether it be a place we live, a job, a relationship, a belief, or a pattern of behavior.  But in clinging to it we remain stuck in a cycle of what no longer serves us.  That is, of course, until we decide to unstick ourselves.  An important question is, do you believe you are always being guided to your Highest Good?  And honestly, there are gifts and reminders for us in choosing to cling to it, if we are willing to look at and examine it.  If you start to hold on for dear life and become aware that you are doing so, then you can use that behavior to gain insight and allow it to become a tool for further growth and transformation.  Some questions to ask:  What am I afraid of here?  If I've been guided to this point, do I really think that, if I let go, the guidance will suddenly stop?  What is the clinging here to remind me of in relationship to Who I Really am?  What if I need to let go to allow the next thing in for my Highest Good?  Answering these questions gives us an opportunity to shine a light on the fears, it can even be helpful to journal a conversation with the fear.  Listen to it.  Do not give your power to it, but accept, admit, and acknowledge that it is there.  Use it as a tool.  Sometimes all it needs is to be heard.

An "ending" is sometimes merely a transition of something from it's current for to a Higher, more beneficial form for your Highest Good.  The life of the caterpillar seems to end when it wraps itself up in a cocoon.  That is, until it emerges a beautiful butterfly with wings that carry it on to it's next phase of life.  The energy form that was the caterpillar still exists, but its outward appearance changed form, that is all.  The caterpillar went from being confined to a surface, to growing wings and being able to fly and soar and land wherever it serves it purpose to.  Do you think that the caterpillar, right before spinning its cocoon, thinks, "Hmmm.  I don't know about this.  I'll be in the dark for a while, all alone, what if I get scared?  What if my wings stop working and I fall out of the sky?  Am I even worthy of being a butterfly?  How can I say good-bye to being the caterpillar I am?  Maybe I'll just keep my legs and slink around on the ground for the rest of my time here.  Maybe that's safer."  Instead of doubting, the caterpillar instinctively knows to cocoon itself up.  That Divine part of itself guides it to the cocoon, through the darkness and transformation within the cocoon, and emerges with it, as it spreads its wings and flies away as a butterfly.

Maybe you're approaching the cocoon.  Or, perhaps you are inside of it, receiving Divine guidance to emerge from the darkness.  To do those things, something has to end, to transition, to transform, to make room in your life so that you can spread your wings and fly.  If something is serving you and is meant to be in your life, whether it be a relationship, a job, a person, a behavior, it will still be there when you work your way out of the cocoon.  If something is not serving you and is not meant to be in your life, it will either change form or fall away.  And in that case, bigger, better, truer statements of Who You Are will find their way into your life.  At some point we instinctively knew that it was time to get on all fours and crawl.  It served us for a time until it no longer worked.  There was nothing wrong with crawling but it didn't serve us anymore as we wanted to better explore our world and see from a new perspective, so we stood up and began to walk.  There may have been a little bit of fear when it came time to let go and walk, but we did it anyway, allowing us better access to our world, as well as a new perspective, just as we desired.  There is nothing "wrong" with being afraid of letting go and allowing the things that have run their course to "end" but, it is important to shine the light on them if this does happen.  There also is not anything "wrong" with being stuck for a while either.  And again, as long as we are willing to shine the light on the "stuckness" we can use it as a tool for forward motion.

Remember, when something "ends," it means there is a new beginning, a truer statement of Who You Really Are, right around the corner.  If you are not open to seeing it then, while it will still be there, you will not have the perspective to see its appearance.  You see, the caterpillar had the wings the whole time, it always knew that.  The reflective time in the "darkness" of the cocoon simply gave it a new perspective so that it could physically manifest what it always knew was there.  Like the caterpillar, you have had wings the whole time.  Your soul simply drew you to experiences in which, over time, you could finally choose to see that they were always there.  Experiences which give you the strength to break out of the cocoon and lift your wings.  Those experiences were the process of manifesting the energy of the wings into the physical world.  So bless those things that are no longer serving you and express gratitude for them and, with a deep breath or two, let them go.  Shift your perspective to allow yourself to see the beauty in the perceived "endings" in life. Trust that what is coming next will be for your Highest Good so that you can, eventually, spread the wings that have always been there, and fly.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Gratitude in the face of challenges...

It's easy to be grateful for the perceived "good" things in Life.  Gratitude comes easily for such things as friends, a warm bed, the beauty of the setting sun, and breezing through traffic.  It's still important to be grateful for those things but it's also important to exercise gratitude in the face of what appears to be a challenge.  It is easier to do in hindsight as we look back and see how a challenge benefited us, how it helped to make us the person that we are now, but what about when the "challenge" first appears?  How do we have gratitude then?  Why is that important?

When a perceived "challenge" appears on our path it can seem difficult to view it through the eyes of gratitude.  If we are experiencing pain and hurt it does not seem logical to be grateful for it as we can't see the gratitude from where when the pain, the loss, the hurt seems too great, too heavy, too overwhelming.  So how do we find the gratitude?  We don't find it, we choose it.  I have learned that gratitude in the face of a "challenge" is actually a choice.  When this choice is paired with a choice to be open to seeing the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in the situation, it is even more powerful.  Making the choice to be open to it alleviates our having to look for and find it as it will be revealed to us when we are ready to see it.

When the "challenge" appears on my path I chose to be grateful for it, even though I don't necessarily feel it or even know why I am grateful for it.  Does that choice mean the pain magically disappears?  No, it does not.  It has to be felt, honored and not glorified, processed, released and healed.  But making that choice does affect how I walk through it.  If I know there is a gift in it it eases up, even if it might seem only a slight easing.  It affects my mindset as I walk through it as well because I know that there must be a gift in it so that somehow, even if it hurts, it will be beneficial for my Highest Good.  As I chose to see the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in it, even if it is painful, those things reveal themselves to me.  It helps to give me a touch of objectivity about the situation.  It gives me room to choose Who I Wish to Be in relationship to it, even if I have to keep choosing over and over at first.  I can choose to be love in a situation but if it hurts I might choose to be anger without even realizing I have made that choice.  And that is okay because it is important to accept, admit and acknowledge how I truly am feeling.  In this way I process it in a healthy way and eventually I am able to move into the choice of being love in the situation.  The energy is constantly shifting and moving and releasing as I move forward, and being open to the gratitude, gifts, blessings, and opportunities means I will see them when they are revealed.  If we shut ourselves off and tell ourselves there is nothing here to be grateful for, there are not gifts in this situation, does that mean we won't see them?  Not necessarity, but it does mean we won't see them in the moment and it can make the forward motion through the situation more difficult.  We might even get stuck in it and be unable to move forward, having turned the situation into quicksand instead of one that could benefit us.  Eventually, in hindsight, we might see the gratitude and gifts, we might not.  For me, I'd rather see them in the moment because I grow from them.  No matter how difficult or painful something has been in my Life, I have grown from it.  Choosing gratitude and choosing to see the gifts has helped me walk through things in a more positive manner and has always led in my being propelled forward.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for so many things, there are too many to list.  I am grateful for my son, myself, my growth, my sobriety, just to name a few.  And I am also grateful for the situations that I don't necessarily like at first, the ones that seem painful in the beginning, the ones that I perceive as challenging.  I am grateful for the All of It and that attitude of gratitude has allowed me to see gifts in things that others see as hardship, rocks, and thorns.

 Gratitude is a perception we can view all of Life through, sometimes, it just takes a little practice.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving full of love and infinite blessings.

With light and love,

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

In Between...

During periods of intense growth and transformation I seem to come to a point where I get restless.  I think that restless is just another way to say impatient.  I call this place "in-between."  I have been working through so much lately, as I look back on the past 5 weeks it has been a crazy roller coaster ride and sometimes I've screamed, sometimes I've laughed, sometimes I've thrown up, sometimes I've cried, sometimes I have hung my head, and sometimes I have wanted to get off.  But I  haven't gotten off yet and I continue to take steps forward through the "in-between" because I recognize the importance of it's presence, no matter how restless and uncomfortable I might feel at times.

If I have made it to "in-between" then progress is being made.  It signifies growth and that I am letting go of what no longer works and what no longer serves me, and I am embracing what does work and what does serve me.  I am stepping toward a new statement about Who I Really Am and Who I Wish to be.  I'm no longer comfortable with where I was at, which is a good thing.  I have been working on releasing old negative energy patterns and adapting new and healthier ones.  I have been affirming my worth, building my dreams now, fine tuning my intentions and purpose, letting go of situations, making room in my life for my dreams, visualizing and co-creating what's next...I have been a busy girl.  While I am no longer comfortable where I was at, as I feel myself out of alignment with certain things in my life, I am not yet completely comfortable and lined up with where I am going either.  Hence the "in-between."  I know opportunities and experiences are coming but I am not totally ready for them, otherwise they would be here.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be and it is important that I actually Be Here Now, instead of waiting for the next new moments to come along.  Otherwise I could miss an important reminder about Who I Really Am.

It is important that I remember that this "in-between" place has reminders for me about Who I No Longer Am and Who I Am Becoming.  And I honestly do not know as of yet what those reminders are, all I do know is that where I was contains pieces of Who I No Longer Am, and where I am going contains pieces of Who I Am Becoming.  And yes, it is still a roller coaster ride.  I haven't completely left Kansas but I am not yet in Oz.  Perhaps part of the restlessness is that I don't know.  I am walking through the unknown and that can be scary but it is also exciting as I am anticipating Life opening up in the most astounding ways. And let's face it, I can not proceed with my intention to create products and provide services that allow me the opportunity to be of service to myself and others until I have walked through the land of "in-between."  Dorothy had to follow the yellow brick road and take that journey to get back to the center of herself and find out she had the power within her the whole time, she just didn't know it.  So, too, do I have to travel the yellow brick road of "in-between" to get to where my home, my purpose, my truth, and the beauty of my co-creation is.  So for now I am "in-between."  I bless this "in-between" place and as I look around in awe at all that surrounds me I am open to seeing the gifts, opportunities and blessings here and I trust that they will be revealed to me at exactly the right moment.  They always are.  And if the flying monkeys come out and fear creeps up, I'm taking a step forward anyway because falling asleep in the poppy field, or using where I am at as an excuse to stay stuck, is not an option here, not if I choose to continue to grow.  The only way for me to co-create living my dreams is for me to be a part of my dreams and sometimes that means being uncomfortable.  As Neale Donald Walsch says, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  And I am at the end of my comfort zone.  So bring it on!

With light and love,

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The energy pattern of unworthiness...

My Facebook post on Monday, November 19th, 2012
"I dive deep into the depths of myself on an almost constant basis. The treasure I pull up, while sometimes at first are covered in seaweed and barnacles, are not mine to keep. They are not meant to be locked away and hidden from the eyes of the world. They are meant to be shared, in service, with others who just might be looking for that same treasure within themselves, but who might not be sure where to look. And while it is not always comfortable to dive into my own depths and to share the treasure, it is always a blessing and a gift to be able to do so. What treasure are lying within you waiting to be discovered today?"  

Earlier this week I posted a picture of an Angel Christmas Card that I made.  The whole journey of making this card was beautiful and inspiring and the flow of it was such a blessing.  Two people ordered some cards from me and it felt amazing to be a vessel for Divine Creation and create it in service of myself and others.  It was a joy to receive those orders and it brought me pure excitement.  On Sunday I posted some insights on forgiveness and received a private message from someone thanking me for my insights.  It touched my Soul and brought me joy to be able to touch someone's life in that way.  This is what I intend to do, to use my life and my experiences to be of service to myself and others.  And here I was experiencing immense joy at actually do so.

And then Monday night came around and I started to feel unsettled.  I felt resistance and avoidance within me and I wasn't understanding why.  After such joy and fulfillment of my intentions, why would I feel unsettled?  I woke up this morning and, as I have gotten in the habit of, I pulled cards from two websites I frequent.  I picked the "Goblin" card having to do with fears and limiting beliefs, and I picked another card with this line that stood out to me, "...if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.  Do something different."  And, as is in perfect alignment with where I am at right now, I picked the "Transformation" card.  I also had a dream last night about a diamond back rattlesnake following me.  I kept trying to get away from it because I was afraid, but it wasn't coming at me, it was coming toward me.  It had the most beautiful colors on it.  At one point I think I flung it away.  As I looked up the symbolism of snakes there were items on the list like rebirth, healing, balance, rejuvenation, transformation.  There I was in my dream being approached by healing, transformation, and rejuvenation and I was trying to avoid it out of fear. Message received, loud and clear.  But why?

As I set out about my day this morning these items were collecting in my mind.  They stirred and danced around and rearranged themselves into different patterns, as if mentally putting together a puzzle.  I was open to their messages and knew that they would show me what I needed to see.  I couldn't get that one line out of my head, "...if you do what you've always done..."  and suddenly I had an aha moment.  I love those by the way, that moment when all the pieces come together and you see what has been there the whole time.  I was retreating after experiencing the joy of being of service.  I was starting to hang my "I am unworthy" sign on my door so that I could go inside and hide.  I've been here before.  I have another blog that I haven't posted to in over a year, after a very kind woman said how inspiring it was.  Shortly thereafter I stopped posting.  I thought it was about vulnerability, and perhaps that layer was, but this one is not.  This layer is about unworthiness.

As I posted before, I discovered this energy pattern, along with a few others, about a month ago.  Exactly a week ago I watched "The Cure Is..." and it wha-bammed me in the face with the realization that I have been playing out the energy pattern of unworthy of self love.  I didn't even realize it before but it reached right out from the computer screen and tapped me on the shoulder and requested my attention.  I believe I am worthy of the love of others, but myself?  I thought I did love myself but I could feel the energy of it in my body, the heaviness of it, and I knew it was not truth for me.  For the past week I have been working through blessing it, and lovingly releasing it from my body and my life.  I have been affirming that I am worthy of my own love.  It has been quite the journey in my internal world lately.  Today I realized that deep within me I don't feel worthy of experiencing the joy that comes with being of service.  Granted, I don't talk to myself that way but the energy pattern of unworthiness has been playing out for pretty much my entire life.  Little by little I am catching the patterns and moving to change them to reflect a more true statement, a higher truth, about Who I Really Am.  It is as if, in my internal background, I would say, "Who am I to help people heal?  Who I am to spread joy and beauty into the world?  Who am I to inspire people?"  Who am I not to?  And the better question is who am I to withhold treasures from myself and the world?  Who am I to lock them up tight so that the eyes that need them can never experience their beauty?

That energy pattern is like a web, appropriately the card that most caught my attention was the "Web Weaver" challenger, and it reaches out and is tied to all these areas of my life.  My Soul, Divine Intelligence, and Life have all conspired FOR me to reveal to me the first tie that will benefit from being cut so that I can start to unravel the web.  So out come my scissors and this post is me cutting that tie.  I took down the "I'm unworthy" sign and have burned it.  As I watched the flames of fire engulf it I used it as inspiration to hang new empowering self-loving signs to replace it.  I am worthy and deserving of living my dreams.  I am worthy of helping people heal.  I am worthy of being an inspiration to others.  I am worthy of experiencing the joy and fulfillment that comes with being of service to myself and others.

I look at that Facebook post and I realize that it wasn't just a message for others who may have needed it, it was also a message to me.  We tend to teach what we need to learn.  While I felt the blessing and gift of digging, discovering, and sharing, part of me was choosing to believe I was unworthy of the blessing.  I really do love following these trails, allowing communication from the divine in whatever form I will understand it, and finding the treasure at the end of the trail.  It is not always comfortable.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes there is pain, but ALWAYS, no matter how I feel, it is worth it.

To make sure I do not make a new sign and retreat again, I am challenging myself to post to my blog everyday for the rest of this month.  That might not seem like a lot but for me, it really is.  It is my gift to myself and my gift to the world, in service of myself and others.

With light and love,

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Life is a reflective surface...

"When an event occurs in life, how often do we realize that our perception of it determines our experience of it? Life is a reflective surface. If you expect to see the blessings, opportunities and gifts in a thing, whether or not you like the thing at first, then you will see the blessings, opportunities and gifts in it. If, instead, you expect to see the disappointment and loss in it, then you
 will experience disappointment and loss. And chances are you won't realize that your expectation of disappointment, your perception of the event as disappointing, will be the very reason you experience it as such. How you think, feel, and believe about a thing creates your experience of it and you can always choose differently."

That was my Facebook post yesterday.  I have learned that what we put out there in service of others, what we tend to "teach," is where we are and what we need to remember.  I wanted to post an afterthought to my Facebook post yesterday but decided instead to blog about it because the thoughts running through my mind were too long for Facebook.

The past three weeks have been...intense for me, for lack of a better word.  I found myself feeling as though I had shaken myself up, turned myself inside out and, essentially, broke myself open.  While I knew, and still know, that the results of it all would propel me forward in ways I don't totally understand, growth and transformation come with some discomfort.

I pay attention.  I pay attention to the songs that not-so-randomly run through my mind, to books I am drawn to, to things I hear on the television and in conversations, to my dreams, to the reflective surface of my life.  But sometimes, even when I am paying attention, I don't see part of the reflection, that is, until I have the tools to see and heal what the reflection is showing me.

One day I was drawn to bring Awakening Intuition by Mona Lisa Schulz and my journal to the laundry mat.  I had plans of working on a creative project but decided to follow my intuition.  As I was reading the chapter on the third chakra, which is our power center and the chapter I was drawn to read, I was struck by a question I read, " you feel so inadequate that you never finish anything you start?"  I paused.  I thought about all of the things I hadn't finished in my life, all of the unfinished projects, the ideas I have that I get so excited about and then don't follow through on and I realized that deep down inside of me I felt inadequate.  And while I have been working on that for almost 2 weeks now, when I type that I feel the heavy weight of the energy of inadequacy stir within me; there is still work to be done here.  So, I followed the trail down the rabbit hole (deep within myself) and I just started writing in my journal and letting it flow.  What I discovered surprised me as I found feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, undeserving, and even guilt at having been born deep within the darkest parts of me.  I don't talk to myself like that, I don't say negative things to myself, but as I looked at the reflective surface of my life I started to see the patterns clearly laid out before me.  I could see how I was reacting to my present through the perspective of my past instead of responding to each moment by remembering Who I Really Am.  I could see how each time I came around the upward spiral of my journey I had gone a little farther, but I was still playing out the same old patterns over and over again, each time getting a layer deeper.

I started to work with affirmations and intentions, blessing those feelings and lovingly releasing them from my body and my life, as recommended by Louise Hay in The Power Is Within You.  I have been releasing all old negative beliefs, resistance, and fears.  I also discovered a fear of being unsafe and have been affirming I am safe as well.  Now, some people feel that affirmations and intentions don't work as they might experience that it seems to get worse once they start doing affirmations.  The way I have experienced it is that once you affirm and intend something you are more aware of where you are.  When you have that expanded awareness you see that life is showing you the difference between where you are and where you affirm and/or intend to be.  It shows you areas where there is still something for you to remember about who you are.  It points to the reflective surface of your Life so that you can see the dark places that need light and healing so that you can live what you are affirming and intending.

I have been pulling these old beliefs up by the roots and choosing to see old experiences through the eyes of my Soul, noticing how each one of them has reminded me of Who I Am, sometimes by showing me Who I Am Not, and has been essential to my discovering my truth and learning to stand in it.  When you pull things up by the roots you are stirring things up and sometimes bugs and slimy things come up to the surface.  The journey of healing and self discovery never ceases to amaze me.  For some it comes in the form of a miraculous healing.  While I believe that all healing, and really all things, are miraculous, I mean that some people can hear one thing or be in the presence of someone and can make a decision and they are different, they are healed.  I have realized that, as a wounded healer and someone whose passion it is to help guide people on their healing journeys, I have to dig, I have to trek through the dark forest, hike along the rocky terrain and confront my shadows face to face because if I don't experience it, I won't be able to help other people do the same.  And I am okay with that because the journey has been nothing short of awe inspiring.

Today I found myself angry at something that is happening in my life.  I have been choosing to see it as an opportunity and a blessing but noticed that my thoughts are not in alignment with that.  I kept saying "I choose to be love here, I choose to see the blessings in this," but I wasn't feeling it.  The reflective surface of my life was trying to get my attention and I was wanting to gloss over it because anger is an issue for me in that, I don't allow myself to feel it.  I dig deeper and see that I feel guilty over feeling angry.  I have love, compassion and empathy in large amounts within me, it's who I am, anger is not.  But here's the thing, I can't move to that place of love and compassion until I admit, acknowledge and accept that what I am really feeling is anger.  And I can't accept the anger until I accept that my emotions, ALL of them, are sacred.  It's my Soul's way, and Life's way, of showing me where I am in relationship to where I wish to be, as well as showing me where healing needs to take place.  And I can't accept them as sacred if I am feeling guilt over having them.  I must express my anger in a healthy way and accept it as a sacred part of me.  That's just one layer because, once I accept the anger, then I can see that there is more in the reflection of my life than just the anger and that is the root of the anger.  This is where the bugs and slimy things surface as I am pulling up the roots of old negative beliefs and energy patterns as I realize that my anger is simply a mask for my fears.  "What if 'they' are right?  What if I am not worthy?  What if I am inadequate?  What if I am undeserving?  What if I am always abandoned?  What if all the positive things I think I am remembering about myself aren't true?"  Those are more than just the bugs and slimy things as together they make the demon.  And I choose to face it head on because, as I already said, I know that growth and transformation are occurring for me and I know that this will all propel me forward in ways I don't even understand right now.  And the only way for that to happen is to look at the demon, admit, accept, and acknowledge that the demon exists, listen to what it has to tell me, and work through it.

To change, to grow, to heal, it is important to look at the reflective surface of your life because it will give you important clues about where you are, what you believe, how you feel about life and yourself.  Sometimes the picture is scary and there are illusions of monsters in there but if you don't shine the light on the reflection and look at it, you miss an opportunity to heal, you miss an opportunity to remember something important about who you really are.  Each step of the journey is sacred, YOU are sacred.  I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  As I have intended to release old beliefs and energy patterns the Universe is conspiring for me and pointing in the direction of the areas within me that need light and healing so that I can release it.  As I said, I can't heal what I don't admit, accept and acknowledge because it will forever stay in the dark and that's not okay with me.  If I am to help others on their healing journeys, if I am to help myself remember that I am whole, than I have to be willing to take my own journey back to wholeness as I have been doing for almost 3 1/2 years.  So today I am journeying through guilt over having anger, the anger itself, and the root fears that are masking themselves as anger.

Life is a reflective surface and when you open yourself to seeing it as such it is no longer about what other people in your life have done or aren't doing, instead you can ask what their actions are showing you about your beliefs, your patterns, your perspective.  What one step can you take today to start to see the reflection?  I asked myself that question today and this blog post is a reflection of where it lead me.  And if you are reading this there is something here in the reflection for you as well.

With light, love, and healing...