Monday, November 25, 2013

Mirror, Mirror on the son shows me the reflective surface of where I truly am...

It's no secret that our children serve to be some of our greatest teachers.  I also believe that they serve to show us the reflective surface of our lives, ourselves, and where we are truly at, as my son did last week.

For me, growing up meant doing as I was told, end of story.  There was no expression of individuality, no encouragement to figure out who I was or express my opinions.  There's no blame here, no one knew these things themselves so how could they have taught them?  I have made some good choices with my son and some really unfortunate choices.  One of the good choices I have made with him, which does sometimes bite me in the ass, is that I have encouraged an expression of individuality.  I have encouraged him to express his opinion and tell me how he feels about things, even if I might not like it.

I went outside, one sprinkling day last week, to get him to come inside to do is kitchen chores.  He had been asked to come in to do it twice already.  He stood outside in the sprinkling rain looking out towards the mountains as I walked up to him, calling his name.  I told him that it had been enough time and he needed to come in to do his kitchen chores.  He told me that he was doing something that was "energetically important" and he wanted to finish it and he would be right in.  I told him that he would have to finish what he was doing after his chores.

Now, I have taught him about energy.  I have taught him the importance of working through and clearing out the negativity, of releasing blocks, of healthy energy maintenance.  Yet, as I stood there feeling the energy of him standing his ground, I found myself pushing against him, pushing against his authentic self and certainly not being my authentic self.  I felt in my body that what I was saying was not a match with who I really am.  I told him he shouldn't have started doing that knowing that he had chores to do, that he should have planned better, who the hell was even talking because it didn't feel like me.  And he felt it as he told me, very calmly but most certainly confused, that what I was saying wasn't logical.  He was right, he was doing self-care that was important and he was only asking for five or ten more minutes, but I kept going.  As I walked away, telling him to come inside, he very calmly told me that what he was doing was important and he was going to finish and them come in.

I should have celebrated his decision but I did not.  I stormed inside, took his 3DS and went downstairs all sorts of pissed off.  But why?  "Tia," I said, "what is it that you are really upset about?"  As I sat with it I realized what it was that truly upset me, my child had showed me the reflective surface of who I was in relationship to who I desire to be, and I did not like what I saw.  I was really angry because he had the balls to stand his ground and do what was important self-care, regardless of what I thought, and I did not have the courage to do that.  The truth is that I desire to make myself a priority and I have grown within this desire, but I am not anywhere near where I'd like to be.  Yet, at 14 years old, my son had the courage to do it and he did it in a calm way.

The next morning, as soon as he woke up, I went to him and apologized and told him I was wrong.  I told him the real reason I was upset and that I was so very proud of him for taking care of himself and his energy, and for making it a priority.  I told him that while it was my intention to teach him that, and I had in words, that I knew I hadn't been a very good model of it.  He said that the whole situation did confuse him because he knows me and knows that I would usually be understanding of something like that.  He also said, "You taught me well."

I am so proud of him and so very inspired by his actions.  I am grateful that he put up that mirror and that I looked at it and sat with it and saw the gift in it.  Self-care...I would like to have a self-care practice, to put myself and my dreams as a top of my list priority in my life.  The string of events that helped me to delve deeper into that very subject since that interaction, were amazing.  I'm taking steps.  I love the beautiful, sometimes seemingly random but not truly random, string of moments that lead us to exactly where we are supposed to be or to exactly what we need to grow through.  My son is amazing and I am grateful for the journey we've have been able to embark upon together.  And it felt good to see that he does listen, he is learning and he's learning the important stuff, and teaching me important stuff as well.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Navigating, sometimes clumsily, through resistance...

 It's a quiet and peaceful Saturday morning here in Tennessee.  I'm sipping tea outside as the sun slips up over the mountain and warms the air a bit.  It's a chilly 44 degrees as I sit here "pondering my thoughts," as my 14 year old son would say.  Being that the high for the last couple of days has been in the low 40's, and that it's supposed to be 66 degrees today, I'll take the morning chill.

It's been an interesting week full of navigation through resistance, sprinkled with a little avoidance and self-distraction and a dash of eating for protection.  I've been in the discomfort of just outside of my comfort zone and working through changing my pattern of hiding, which I wrote about here.  For me, resistance is pushing against something, a thought, an intention, a desire, and it comes in many forms.  I also believe that, even though sometimes subconscious in nature, choosing resistance is choosing suffering.  This is the land in which I have been stumbling through this week.

Last weekend I made the trip from Tennessee to North Carolina to visit my family, returning home on Sunday. I was feeling tired from all of the driving in three days and the car trouble on the way home but I was also inspired as I was crafting a post in my head about the symbolism of my journey and the drive there, as well as one on my most recent painting.  I'm in a place of "finding a way" no matter what but I had to listen to my body as I was tired from all the driving in three days and from the car trouble on the way home.

Sunday off was justifiable but I woke up Monday unable to feel the full desire of the posts I wanted to write and the art I wanted to get back to.  Resistance.  And as I mentioned already, that comes with avoidance, distraction, and a bit of eating for protection.  Luckily I catch myself avoiding my artwork and I forced myself to stand at my take and create.  "Forced" seems like a strong word because it wasn't like I was making myself do something I didn't want to do, I wanted to be creative, I needed to be creative.  Yet I was coming up against a wall, finding myself keeping myself from that which I love out of some old outdated pattern of fear and shrinking into the shadows.

So, what did I do?  I talked myself through it.  I reminded myself of where I am at and my intentions to continue to step forward and, "find a way."  I stood at my art table, I touched the supplies that I am currently creating with, allowing their energy to flow through me.  I did some work and then, I walked away.  Little bits of work mixed with avoidance and distraction.  That's what this week has been like.

It wasn't just the artwork that I avoided, it was the writing as well. Monday I wanted to write a blog post about my latest painting, "She knelt in the strength of surrender," to participate in "Sunday Swoon" which Effy Wild hosts on her blog at  It's a great community as well as a great way to share what you are excited about for the week and see what others are celebrating as well.  So the dulled desire was there to write and post and share but, instead, I busied myself with other things.  Tuesday brought more of the same with an added side of finding myself frustrated with the behavior of others.  I knew the reflective surface of my life was trying to show me something.  As I kept asking myself why I was frustrated with the insignificant behavior of others and what it really was pointing to I realized that their behavior was avoidance in nature and it was showing me my own avoidance, which was the real reason I was frustrated.  The frustration was also due to the fact that I wasn't just avoiding, I was resisting what it was I really wanted to do, resisting what I knew was in the interest of my Highest Good.  \

When I am in resistance to, instead of alignment with, and flowing with the call of my Soul and my Highest Good, the result is almost always frustration.  Talking myself through it helped somewhat but what really helped was, as Steven Pressfield says, "putting my ass where my heart wanted to be."  I sat down at my computer Wednesday and typed up the post.  Honestly, it felt forced and it didn't flow well in my opinion.  I thought about starting over.  I thought about forgetting it all together.  "Find a way Tia," I heard in my head.  I couldn't not post it.  I'm not sure where the quote originated from but I am sure of the truth it holds, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."  I had to do something different and break another piece of the pattern off, even if it was uncomfortable and part of me was trying to find a way out.  So, without any editing I just clicked the "publish" button.  Just in time too because the internet went down after that and I couldn't get online for the rest of the day.  And while it is one of my favorite paintings, it is not one of my favorite posts.  But that's okay because I did it and, in this place of discomfort outside of my comfort zone, that is what counts.

The energy of that choice helped the avoidance of my creativity break last night.  Like I said, I did little bits of work here and there but nothing significant.  But last night I worked away on a project and suddenly it was 10:30 at night and I wondered where the time had gone.  I love when that happens.  I love getting lost in the creative process, the excitement and joy over what I am creating, it's an amazing place to be.  I stayed with the energy of it and posted a couple of pictures of what I've been working on over the past week and a half, which you can see to the left.  Again, I managed to stumble and step through the resistance.

Resistance can show up in the form of eating for protection as well.  Even eating to stuff emotions.  Oftentimes when I am uncomfortable I, most of the time subconsciously, reach for something familiar and, in my mind, a.k.a. comfortable.  No matter what the familiarity is, even if it doesn't serve us, even if it is not healthy, there is this false sense of comfort, a pseudo comfort if you will, that comes with that which is familiar to us.  Things are changing, steps are being taken, resistance is being broken off in little pieces, I'm reminding myself to blaze my own trail and find a way no matter what.  With all of this going on there is a part of me that, because of the discomfort, feels unsafe and unsure about things right now.  Enter food as comfort and protection.  Not a lot of food, just slightly more than I am comfortable with.

It's funny because I wrote this in my journal first but as I just typed the last line a new thought popped into my head.  The stomach deals with digestion and mirrors our ability to digest ideas and situations in our life.  Perhaps my eating just a little more than I'm comfortable with mirrors that somewhere deep inside I believe I am overloading myself with change.  Some small part of me, a part that lacks faith and that feels I am taking on too much change at once, is subconsciously taking in too much food to mirror my discomfort by making myself uncomfortable and "taking in too much at once."  That makes a lot of sense.

There's also the issue of safety.  We find ways to pad ourselves with protection and oftentimes that is in the form of food.  While food can't truly make me feel safe it mirrors an outdated belief that I am not safe and that I need to protect myself from this discomfort, from any emotions of fear or unworthiness that are lingering as an energy pattern within my depths.  I attempt to talk myself through this one but I have found that the deeper the pattern runs, the more effort, the more mindfulness, the more awareness it takes to navigate through it.  Still, it can be changed.  Food cannot protect me from anything, however, allowing the belief that, "I am safe," and, "Everything is working out for my Highest Good," to travel from my head to my heart and take root there, will help to change the feeling of insecurity to one of safety and security.  Bringing mindfulness to the behavior, over and over and over again until that mindfulness turns into action, as well as digging deep once more to see what is at the root of the pattern, are keys to helping it heal.

It flowed better today.  It felt better today.  Sometimes stumbling, sometimes baby steps, sometimes two steps forward and one step back BUT steps nonetheless.  Piece by sometimes tiny piece the resistance is breaking apart and I am making my way through it.  I'm doing things I haven't done before so it's bound to be uncomfortable and I know that one day it will be my new go to behavior and it won't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Thursday, November 14, 2013

She knelt in the strength of surrender...

"She knelt in the strength of surrender..."
"She stood at the place
Where all paths crossed,
Her feet gently resting on the Earth Mother,
The Mother's energy flowing beautifully through her body.
She knelt
In the strength of surrender,
head tilted toward the sky,
she opened to it ALL.
In that moment she chose
To be a path MAKER,
not a path follower.
To blaze her own trail.
She trusted a way would be made.
Quietly she knelt,
Arms outstretched in glorious receipt,
Resistance flowing UP and OUT of her.
A whisper carried on the breeze,
Gentle in her ear,
"Follow us,"
Said her heart and Soul,
And she knew they would show her the way
That only she could GROW"

~ Tia C. Wahl ~

Over the past year or so I have noticed that the artwork I do, unless it is specifically created for someone, seems to have a message for me.  I've come to believe it is how my heart and Soul speak to me, through the quiet, and not so quiet, whispers of my painting.  

This painting is me.  I even posed in a picture for the figure in the painting because I couldn't find a picture of someone in that pose.  This is where I am at, navigating my way through the strength of surrender.  Working toward opening up and listening to my heart and Soul on a more regular basis.  Sometimes I listen, sometimes I do not.  Always my intent is to listen but always is not the pattern of my listening.  So here I am, at the place where all paths cross, kneeling in the strength of surrender, letting go of resistance, opening up to the All of it and listening to the whispers.  

This painting is a deeply personal work of art as well as one that is a bit outside of my usual style.  It's beginnings were a little familiar as I started it off by writing on the canvas in charcoal pencil.  I kept thinking about blazing my own trail, listening to my heart and Soul instead of the "good opinion" of others.  Those ideas were the topic of the writing on the canvas.  Then I covered it in gesso, just enough to blend it all together, but not so much that you could no longer see the writing.

I wish I had taken more in progress pictures but I got so wrapped up in the joy of creation that I forgot.  But here are a few...

There were places along the way in the process of this painting in which I did not like it.  At the point of this place on the left, I thought about painting it over and starting again.  One of the many things I've learned through the creative process is how important it is to stick with it, even if I'm not really liking it.  I'm glad I continued to go with the flow of this painting because I really love how it depicts where I'm at, in a very colorfully beautiful way.

I can't remember which came first, the poem or the idea for the painting and I suppose it's not important.  I hesitated to add it because I like for my work to tell it's own story as I know that the message someone else receives from it might be very different from what I intended.  However, the poem called to be written on the painting, the story begged to be told and in doing so it tied the whole piece together.

So I continue navigating, sometimes stumbling, sometimes resisting, and sometimes gracefully flowing through this place I am in.  Gratefully.  Listening.  Working toward following what I hear my heart and Soul say.  To the best of my abilities.  One artful step at a time.


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Familiar patterns and allowing myself to bask in the glow...

"By observing our patterns of behavior, the ones that do not serve us and do not lead us where we desire to go, by going deep into them, we can discover the truth of Who we have been claiming to be and, with some effort, we can take hold of those patterns and, in the healing of them, allow them to lead us to Who We Really Are."  -Tia C. Wahl

One of the truths I shared in one of my latest posts here is that I have been hiding.  I haven't been blogging and I haven't been sharing any art.  It felt good to climb out of the cave, to share those truths and to share the artwork that I have been up to recently.  The feedback I received made my heart swell.  I am so very appreciative of all of the people who took the time to look, to like, to read, and to comment.

I have shared artwork in the past and I have always received beautiful feedback, which I appreciate.  While I appreciate it I do not allow myself to be in the moment with it, I do not allow myself to soften into it, to really take it in and appreciate, with every cell in my being, what has been said, or to bask in the truth of it all.  Yes, it puts a smile on my face.  Yes, it fills my heart with gratitude.  However, the pattern seems to be that, after I share and receive positive feedback, I tend to hide.  "Tend" to, that's funny, let's be honest here, I do hide.  It's a pattern that I have been digging into for quite some time.

For the past few days I have been working on an art piece and I have had ideas of blog posts and I have been feeling great about sharing again.  This morning I woke up feeling different.  As I sat here reading my e-mails, I was not feeling the desire to continue on with my painting or start any of the other creative projects I have received inspiration for.  I knew to be on the look out for it, and here it was.  "I'm feeling the need to withdraw and hide again," I thought.  Hmmm, so what does one do when they are feeling the need to hide?  They do the opposite.  I had a couple pictures of jewelry I've made over the past few months so I posted them on Facebook and got started on this post.  And then I took a shower.  And then I went to the store.  I wrote some more and then decided to check my e-mail again and watch some artist videos.

Awareness can be a beautiful thing as it helps me to recognize patterns, figure out what the triggers are, dig out where they came from and, eventually, do something different.  While I recognize that I am doing something different it feels as if I am...what's the word...I feel like I am walking through two feet of snow.  You know how, when you walk through really deep snow it takes effort to make each step?  That's how it feels.  I write, then I distract myself, I pull myself back, I allow myself to be pulled away, I come back again.  I keep coming back to write because I know that the key to breaking the pattern is to do something different than I have in the past.  And that takes effort because it is unfamiliar.  I am used to distracting myself and giving in to that, I am not used to corralling myself back.  But today I am putting in the effort because I want a different outcome.  I've chosen to find a way to build and live my dreams and hiding does not serve that intention.

And honestly, what am I really afraid of anyway?  What is there to hide from?  As I was pondering this thought in the shower I realized that at that moment, and in this one, I can not remember what it is I am afraid of.  I can not remember what the fear is that has caused me to run back to the shadows for so many years.  In this moment I feel brave and determined.  I almost had to laugh at myself, out of love, because I can not remember the driving force of this subconscious pattern of behavior.  And in this moment it doesn't matter because I am choosing to be fearless.  I feel the fear, I don't know what the fear is but I do feel it and I am choosing to take forward steps anyway.  I make no guarantee for future moments because I know that there is a possibility I will fall back in the fear, two steps forward and one step back, BUT there is also the possibility that I will continue to take the steps while feeling the fear.  And that is where my intention is being placed, on the possibility of continuing forward steps and in the knowing that if I do take a step backward, I'll grow from it and continue on again.

Is it comfortable?  Hell no.  Neale Donald Walsch said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  I agree with that wholeheartedly.  It's not always comfortable to break patterns but what is the alternative?  If I don't do something different than I will continue to stay where I am right now, never growing, transforming or moving forward.  The art piece I am working on right now is not my usual style and a bit out of my comfort zone because of it.  I almost painted over it because I didn't like it, it didn't look like the art I usually create.  But do I honestly want to continue to create the art I usually create?  There's no growth there, no learning that, no potential for newer and greater works to be born.  So I stuck with it and, while it's not finished yet, I am loving it now.  Still a tiny bit uncomfortable but also loving it.

What's funny is that the piece of art that I did for my son's birthday was not at all my style, it was Japanese anime.  It was outside of my comfort zone, big time, but I never thought about that and certainly did not allow that to stop me.  My driving force was my passion for creating something for my son, in the knowing that my he would love it, in the fact that I could feel how much he'd like it and how much it would mean to him.  Perhaps that is the key here, or in any situation in which being outside of one's comfort zone causes hesitation to remember your passion for what you are doing and allow it to be your driving force.  Maybe it isn't passion you're feeling but whatever it is let that, and not the fear, be the driving force.

It bears repeating, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

May you be blessed with light, love, and healing,

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Finally, some art...

"be witching"
I posted these on my Facebook page but before that, I haven't shared, or created, much art in a while.  I've been hiding a bit, reeling from all of the changes that have taken place in my life this year, including a, quite seemingly sudden, move from Florida to Tennessee.

The witch in me LOVES Halloween, it is my favorite holiday.  Something about the colors, the decorations, the images, I just love it!  And I loved it before my son was due and born on that day.  As much as I love it, this is the first year I have created any Halloween art.  I started off making this one, "be witching" for a dear friend of mine.  I loved it so much that I had to make two more!  They were SO much fun to create.

Usually I create things with a purpose and a message.  It's important for me to create pieces with meaning.  These pieces don't have the meaning that my usual work does but they were created with love, light, healing energy and, I believe, a message to embrace who you are.  I'm not sure everyone will get that, but I do.
"witchy woman"

I made a cauldron for "witchy woman" with foil, tissue paper and paint.  I wanted it to be my favorite because of the title, which just so happens to be one of my favorite songs, and because of how freakin cool the cauldron is but, I had to admit that this is  not my favorite.  Not that I don't love it, because I do, but it was a forced favorite.  "Spellbound" is my true favorite.  I love the colors, the papers, the images, the freakin cool is that broom!?

One more piece of Halloween art is a gift I made for my friend,s daughter.  While I'd like to gravitate to faces that show more emotion and expression, I really do love how she turned out.  I love the purple face, the colors, and how I was able to channel who my friend's daughter is and translate it into this piece of art.  She is unnamed but beautiful.

I have to say that, after all the heavy I wrote about here, it feels good to just display my art and take joy in the process and release of having created it.  I will definitely be making more Halloween art in the future as it is SO much fun!!!

May you be blessed with love, light, healing, and the magic of holiday seasons,

Friday, November 1, 2013

Some brutal honesty while working my way out of my self constructed cave of shame...

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."
Joseph Campbell 

It's been almost six months to the day since I posted here.  I've written plenty of blog posts in my journal during that time, and that's where they stayed.  It's been an interesting six months filled with change, challenges, transformation, beauty, and cave dwelling.  I love this quote by Joseph Campbell as there is such truth and beauty in it.  It also reminds me of something I say, "The only way out is through the door marked in."  The only way out of the darkness, the emotions, the anything, is through the door into them.  There is treasure there and I am still growing toward it.  A little brutal self honesty is an important step toward climbing out.  Not the kind of honestly where people tell you that they don't like your hair, your significant other or any other rude remark they hide behind with, "I'm just brutally honest."  Also not the kind in which you say a bunch of negative judgmental things about yourself.  I'm talking about the kind of honesty in which you look at yourself and the reflective surface of your life and assess where you are, what you are truly feeling and avoiding feeling, and if your behaviors are serving you.  Without judgement.  With compassion, kindness, and love.  With the intention to heal.  While honoring where you are at.  

Here are my results of doing just that, in an effort to heal.  I must warn you, this is a long post.

Written October 27th, 2013

Dr. Brene Brown defines shame as, "the intensely painful feeling of being unworthy of love and connection.  She also says, "shame grows exponentially in secret and judgement..." and, "cannot survive being told."

In secret, shame wears many disguises.  We feel shame over things we've done, things that were done to us, and we worry, sometimes without even realizing it, what others will think of us because of it all.  I choose to heal it.  In an effort to heal the shame and, hopefully, to inspire others to do the same, some truth telling is in order.

*  I was writing a blog post in my journal a couple of weeks ago, one that I never posted, and I had to call "bullshit" on myself.  I've talked a little about the "freight train that went through my life, about the "storm," but I never actually said what it was.  The truth is...that I used those phrases to disguise what really happened.  Why?  Because, the truth is, I am ashamed of what happened, embarrassed by what happened.  Normally I don't care what other people think but in this cases I found myself thinking, "what will people think?"  Yes, I told some close friends but, for the most part, I have kept it to myself.  The truth is, this is the short version of what happened:  Once upon a time we were happily in love, happy to be in love.  We both said there was not another person out there for us.  There was mutual love, respect, communication...the whole healthy list of it.  We were planning our future, planning on moving in together.  He was the first person I had been in a relationship with in which I allowed myself to feel his love for me, so I felt that it was real and, because of that, I felt secure.  I trusted in him and his love for me more than anything.  And yes, later I would realize that that was a problem.  One day in October 2012 I sent him a message saying that I loved and missed him.  I received a message back telling me that something had happened and he wasn't himself.  He wasn't ready to talk about it.  He needed time and was asking everyone to be patient.  This was the beginning of the end.  In November I finally heard what happened.  It had to do with his son, his life was shaken, he needed time to heal and put us, "on hold for now."  In December I met him with some of his favorite t-shirts.  All I could feel in his energy was black.  He was drained.  He didn't have time for a relationship.  I asked him if I should wait for him, a heartfelt, "if you can?" was his response.  He asked me to hold on to the rest of his stuff.  I gave him time and space.  In February 2013 I went to his Facebook page because I missed him and wanted to see his face.  I was greeted by a picture of him and a girl he called his fiancee.  The ground dropped out from beneath me.  I tried to get a hold of him, nothing.  The next day I received a text, not a call, a text message explaining that, to have joint custody of his son, he needed to break ties.  Because of a minor record I have from April 2009, a misdemeanor driving on a suspended license and a misdemeanor paraphernalia charge, which he knew about.  And as a side note, not that I hide it here, I have been clean and sober for close to 4 1/2 years now.  He said he did still love me.  He should have told, me he said, and called himself a name for not telling me.  I answered back that there were hoops I could jump through, drug tests I could take, affidavits of character I could provide and that none of what he said explained the fiancee.  And that was it.  No other explanation, no closure, nothing.  Oh, except for telling me to throw away his things because I didn't want him picking them up the day he wanted to because my son would have been home alone and this hurt my son as well.  Other than that, nothing.  So there's the truth of that.    

*The truth is that I am ashamed of what he did to me.  The truth is that the shame pisses me off.  I did not do anything wrong so how do I feel shame.  But it's there which means it needs to be honored to be healed.  The truth is that while I thought I was at peace with who I was, because it has helped me become a much brighter much better version of myself, maybe I'm not as at peace with it as I thought.  Maybe deep down I still hold shame for my past, my addiction.  Maybe I feel that that part of my story makes me unworthy of the love I had.  And yes, I know better, but that doesn't always matter if what you know hasn't yet taken its trip from your head to your heart.  More exploring needs to happen here.

*The truth is, it still hurts.  And I don't want it to anymore.

*The truth is, subconsciously I decided that I was done with the broken heart "stuff."  I felt the pain, I processed some of it, I was semi-vulnerable as I wrote about the pain but not what actually happened.  I walked through it, I kept getting up, I arted it out and I was done.  End of story.

*The truth is, that all I did was put up a damn to keep it all back.  The truth is, I glossed over how I really felt with how I wanted to feel.  Example:  I wrote about how it felt like I lost something but that I knew that what's mine cannot go past me ad if it was meant to be, it would be.  And I truly in my head, believe that.  But I didn't feel that.  I didn't set the intention and work through the process of it moving from my head, where I "knew" it, to my heart where I could "feel" it.

*The truth is that I teach and share the process and the importance of it and here I was, skipping it again.  The truth is, I'm ashamed of that.

*The truth is, while I may be a recovering perfectionist, it continues to rear its head as I wanted to walk through this process, this healing my shattered heart, perfectly.  And yes, I know better than to "should" all over myself.  I'm ashamed that I haven't been walking through it like I "should" and that I continue to "should" on myself.

*The truth is, I am way too hard on myself.  I often hold myself to impossible standards that I can't possibly meet, standards that I wouldn't hold anyone else to.  The truth is, this causes me a great deal of self inflicted frustration.  The truth is, I'm not as compassionate with myself as I am with others and, while it doesn't show in my self talk because I don't say bad things about myself, it does show in the "shoulds."  Sometimes it's as if there is this silent energy attack I impose upon myself; I don't hear it in my head, but I feel it.

*The truth is, I have a lot of anger about what he did, and, I feel, a lot of anger about a lot of things that I have yet to work through.  The truth is, anger and I have a complicated relationship.  The truth is, I don't like anger and I'd rather not feel it.  In my head I know that it is a natural emotion and that it can teach me a lot  However, growing up, anger was directed at me, anger made me feel like I did things wrong, like I was wrong, like I was a burden.  I recognize that those statements are part of an old story, one that isn't true and one that o longer serves me.  Yet still, I find myself projecting it on to the behaviors of others.  It's easier for me to be mad about some small insignificant thing that someone else does than to look at and deal with the real reasons I'm angry.  The truth is that I'm also angry with myself for things that aren't my fault.  The truth is that that pisses me off too.

*The truth is, lately, I am one giant ball of frustration and anger.  And, the truth is that, luckily, I know that I can change and heal that, which is part of the reason I'm doing this.

*The truth is, one of my main coping mechanisms is disconnection.  I unplug, throw up a wall, and hide behind it.  The truth is, I've gotten better at recognizing it but I don't recognize it as quickly as I'd like.  And, the truth is, I am ashamed of that as well.  Why?  Once again, the impossible standards and the "shoulding" on myself.  The truth is, I can feel that I've disconnected from myself, my Source, my Soul, Life, the Universe, and Mother Earth, as well as the people in my life.  The truth is, I've also disconnected from my Dreams.  The truth is, I can't feel the passion I have for my Dreams right now.  The truth is, that breaks my heart.

*The truth is, I am ashamed that I have allowed what he's done to have this effect on me.  The truth is, I have been holding myself hostage with the shame of it, the hurt of it, the disappointment of it, the fear similar pain in other areas of my life.  The truth is, I have been holding myself hostage with the fears, self-limiting beliefs and with the past.  All things I write about NOT doing.  The truth is, even though I know and believe those things, my trouble living them right now makes me feel like a fraud.  Like I am unworthy of sharing the wisdom because right now I'm not living what I know, and that causes me to hide and not share.  The truth is, I know these things and believe these things and it is my intent to live the, as I have up until this point, and my journey through them will help others.  It makes me real, not unworthy.  That is the truth.

*The truth is, sometimes I am a vast contradiction within myself and teeter between the knowing in my head and figuring out how to live in that knowing.

*The truth is, I am far too talented to sit here and play the, "I'm not worthy I need to hide" game.  I'm far too talented to be in this position I am in right now.  That is not conceit, that is recognition of my gifts and talents.  And it's sometimes difficult for me to remember that it isn't about me, it's about using my unique gifts and talents to be of service, to share my life and experiences in order to help others.  I am ashamed that I am not using my unique creative talents and abilities in service right now in the way I know I am here to do.  I've spiraled up around to the "I'm not worthy" wound so many times that I feel like I "should" be living the "I am worthy and I feel it" truth right now instead of still trying to dig myself out of the "I am not worthy" energy rap that I clung to so many years ago.  The truth is, I am grateful tat I at least know that I am worthy in my head and I know that as long as I continue to set the intention for that truth to make it's way from my head to my heart that the how will be revealed and that truth will reach its destination.

*The truth is, I'm having a hard time accepting where I am right now.  I understand that in choosing to resist it, I am choosing to suffer.  I'm not out right saying, "Hey Life, I refuse to accept what is right now.  So there!"  But I am struggling with accepting how things have played out.  Which means that, truthfully, I haven't completely let go.  In that reflective surface of my life I see that what that means is that there are still emotions tied to the event that I have yet to process.  Which leads to another truth, I am having trouble forgiving certain people and the truth is that I am ashamed of that.  Forgiveness is important because it sets me free.  The truth is, as I just said, this tells me there are emotions to be dealt with and, again, as long as I feel them and process them, I will let go and will come to a place of forgiveness.

*Another truth is, tied to the above, I'm having a difficult time with faith, with trusting that this heartbreak is for my Highest Good.  When he sent me the text putting things on hold, it was 11/11/12 at 7:11am.  The 11's were not lost on me, they mean what was happening was for my Highest Good.  What's interesting is that I've lived and walked through plenty of painful experiences and I can see that they were in the interest of my Highest Good, even being molested as a child.  I have seen the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in the challenges of my life.  But this?  I'm struggling with the fact that this is for my Highest Good.  Again, in my head I know it must be, it is a belief I have that resonates as truth for me but it as yet to make the journey to my heart.  The truth is, I am hopeful that processing it all, feeling and healing it all will lead me to that place.  Do you sense a pattern here?  I do.

*The truth is, I have been a little judgmental lately which reflects how I've been judging myself.

*The truth is, I have stepped away from practices that I loved and were important such as, setting positive intentions for the day, choosing to be love, choosing to be of service to myself and others, choosing to see the gifts, blessings and opportunities in everything, choosing to be grateful for all of it.  The truth is, while I know this has its purpose, I miss the girl I was before I let this take a toll on me.  I miss my determination, I miss the go with the flow mostly happy twirling around for the sheer joy of it girl.  Once again, the truth is that healing the emotions is the key and I can choose to do that.

*The truth is, my Soul has been urging me, calling me forward, and the truth is that I have resisted that.  That has led to the truth being that I am tired.  I'm tired of being a giant ball of frustration and resistance.  I'm tired of "failing to launch."  I'm tired of this cave I've been hiding in.  I'm tired of hiding.  And the greatest truth of all is that I HAVE THE POWER TO DO THINGS AND MAKE CHOICES TO CHANGE THAT.  

*The truth is, I thought he took things from me, pieces of who I was like my hope, my sparkle, when in truth, I only allowed myself to believe he did and instead tucked them away for protection.  

*The truth is, I am grateful for the growth and transformation in my life because that means that I have awareness enough to recognize these truths.  I am grateful that I know to look at the reflective surface of my life to see what I'm creating, although it may take me a while to truly look at the reflection.

*The truth is, while I don't completely feel it, I know to be grateful for what I am walking through because I know it will propel me forward.  If I practice being open to the gratitude, and setting that intention, I will feel it one day.

*The truth is, I still believe there is beauty in the breathe of this moment.  Even if I don't feel it, again, I know that if I remain open to seeing it, my eyes will clear to the vision of it.

*The truth is, I'm grateful for the roof over my head, the bed I sleep in, the food I eat, and the friends who provide it.  I'm grateful for all of the people in my life who I love and care about and who truly love and care about me.

*The truth is, I know I'll be okay.  "This, too, shall pass."  As I've said, I know I'll turn these flames, that at times feel like destruction, into flames of transformation and growth, emerging from them a truer, more beautiful version of Who I Really Am.  I just need to remember that.

*The truth is, this has been very helpful and very healing.  I feel like it has helped shake up the energy inside of me that been stagnant for too long.  The truth is, being honest with myself about where I am at is hugely important.  And a truth that bears repeating is the reminder that I have the power, the power to let go, the power to choose acceptance, the power of choice in general.  I have the power to make decisions that serve me.  The power to identify what I'm feeling and to actually FEEL it.  I have the power to heal.  I have the power to take forward steps.  I can hold myself hostage with the past, with what was done, or I can be empowered and remove the shackles and step in to Who I Am and Who I Am Becoming.

*Note:  It's been less than a week since I wrote this in my journal and the "stuck" energy I was feeling has loosened up a great day.  I feel so much better just having written it.
Thank you for witnessing my journey.

May you be blessed with love, light, and healing,