Friday, November 7, 2014

So let's bring light to some more shame, shall we...

It feels as if I have been absent from my blog for far too long.  And in true Tia fashion I am back with a very long, and very necessary post.  

"I don't wanna live to waste another day underneath the shadow of mistakes I've made..." Shinedown, "Breaking Inside"
November 3, 2014

Usually I don’t ask myself, how much sharing is too much?  How much vulnerability is too much?  How much transparency is too much?  But I came to a point within the last couple of months in which I began to wonder about sharing a particular piece of my story.

Robin Roberts said, “Make your mess your message.”  And I agree with that statement.  There’s treasure buried within our stories, our challenges, our heartache, our pain, our love, our joy.  It is through the digging deep within all of those parts of us, and gathering the treasure that lies in wait for us there, and then sharing that, that we can live in service to ourselves and others.  I believe deeply in the importance of that.

Yet, there is a tiny piece of my story I have not shared.  And a seed was planted, seemingly out of nowhere, (but I know it was in fact a message from my Soul), which asked the question, do I share that particular piece?  Would there be a benefit to others and myself?  What would the implications be, if any?  I had to sit with that and gain clarity, and watch the signs that appeared.

Four weeks ago I had to make a trip to the dentist.  At first I didn’t get the connection but it became all too clear as I sat in that dentist chair.  It started with a pain in my tooth.  I knew the signs and recognized that the third abscess of this particular tooth was beginning.  I took some ibuprofen for the discomfort , garlic for the infection, and worked through the affirmations for an abscess in You Can Heal Your Life,  but every day I woke up with the infection spreading and more of my face swelling.  Despite my best natural efforts I knew it was time to visit the dentist.

I am not a person who is uncomfortable with, or afraid of the dentist.  But as I sat in the chair I became very uncomfortable.  While I have had no issue writing about the addiction that is part of my past and about being in recovery, what I do not write about is the damage that my teeth suffered during that time.  I am not sure if it was that, the medication I was on the first time I got clean to help me stay that way, or the bulimia I struggled with in the past.  Regardless, my teeth are in bad shape, and that is an understatement.

When people make jokes about others lacking teeth, I don’t laugh because it makes me uncomfortable as I understand the shame of it.  While I was gifted by someone in AA with an upper front partial, I am still very careful when I talk to make sure I don’t open my mouth too much, and to smile with my mouth closed.  So, imagine my anxiety at having to open my mouth and have my teeth examined by people I don’t know. 

What is interesting is that I thought I had worked through all of the shame of my past addiction as I have spent the past 5 years and 5 months digging into myself and bringing a light to all of my dark spaces so that I can continue to heal.  In 2013 a sudden and painful breakup brought all the tiny bits of shame that had been hiding out up to the surface.  While I acknowledged it to a point, I obviously didn’t dive as deeply into it as I needed to and on some level I knew that.

So, as I sat in that dentist chair and opened my mouth, all of those fragmented slivers of shame came rushing up and gathered together to form the shape of tears in my eyes.  The whole time they were examining my mouth I had to fight them back.  There I was, fully exposed in all my past and it felt horrible and embarrassing and I wanted to crawl in a hole.

As I said, while I openly write about being in recovery (some here and here) I do not announce it to everyone that I meet.  And I suppose it’s easier to write about it here where I don't really know the people who read it and I probably won't come face to face with any of them.  Most of those that I do personally know already know my story.  Having a stranger that I am face to face with know, just by looking at some part of me, left me feeling very exposed.

I was worried about being judged as, unfortunately, there is a lot of judgment around addiction.  Some people have a difficult time understanding the nature of it and why it can be so difficult for an addict to just stop.  But what I was literally brought face to face with is that it was not outside judgment I was afraid of, it was my own.  If I had truly healed all of the shame of my past addiction then I would not be concerned with what other people thought.  My fear of the judgment of others was simply a mirror of my own judgment of myself. 

During that entire examination neither the dentist nor his assistant looked shocked or horrified which, to be perfectly honest, I had expected them to.  While the dentist knew that I was in recovery, he did not judge me or make any rude comments at all.  He asked if I had done meth because he sees a lot of my type of teeth issues with that particular drug and I said no.  My past drug of choice was on the tip of my tongue but even though they were being so kind, I could not speak it.  The dentist even apologized later for asking that as he was concerned it had offended me which, I assured him, it had not.  They were nothing but kind and compassionate and gentle, there was nothing in anything they did that offended me.   

Yet, when I stood up to leave my legs would not move.  The shame that had pooled up in my eyes started rolling down my cheeks.  I buried my face in my sweatshirt and cried.  The dental assistant came over to me, put her hand on my shoulder and apologized.  “It’s okay,” I told her, “I have been clean and sober for over five years and I thought I worked through the shame but apparently not because I feel really embarrassed.”  She kindly proceeded to tell me a story about her own father who is also in recovery and let me know that, on some level, she understood. 

While I do give myself credit for talking about how I was feeling, especially to a stranger, as I would not have done that in the past, I still left the office and cried, wanting nothing more than to go home and hide.

And that is exactly what I did, I skipped dropping off my much needed antibiotic prescription and I went home.  The thing about being body deep in a moment of shame like that is that it feels like you are completely transparent, as if someone can merely look at you and know your story, know all of your darkest parts.  After a short period of hiding out I went back out to get my antibiotics but I did not feel any better. 

I am not content to just be in a place like that, feeling so low, without looking for the gift, the meaning, and what needs to be acknowledged so that I can begin my climb out.  My mind started spinning, twirling, and dancing it all around.  It’s still a practice for me but I have found that the key is to feel how I feel and to be where I am at without wallowing in it.  Practice.  I knew that I had to be there and feel the shame and I also knew that bringing the light to it, and sharing it, was the key out.  The only way out is through the door marked ‘in.’   

I am a healer and one of the avenues I use to help people heal is through my gift of writing and, in a sense, truth telling, telling my truth that is.  There are other avenues I have gifts in as well yet I hold back because I speak truth from my mouth and the state of its insides is nothing I am proud of.  So, I think to myself, how can anyone value what I say when it comes from that place.  And yes, I do know better but this is where I was at.

I have left out a piece of my story, as mentioned at the beginning, and I realized that holding that piece of truth in, as well as the shame and judgment I have had about it, had manifested itself into an infection that left my mouth, and my face, swollen, my face being the part of me that I show the world (You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay).

The truth is that, statistically speaking, I should be dead, in prison, or living on the streets.  The truth is that I was a heroin and pill addict.  The truth is that even among drug dealers there is a huge cloud of judgment, a giant mister yuck sticker type cloud hovering over that particular drug, and the average person has no lack of judgment with that as well.  The truth is that the only way for me to heal the shame of that, even as I write this I can feel the heavy energy of it in my body as it stirs and awaits its way out, is to share it, to bring light to it.  I have been clean and sober for 5 years, 5 months and some odd days and the only way for me to help others and give hope to those who may be where I have been, is to share it.

My journey into heroin addiction and out into sobriety started me on a path of healing and spirituality that I am beyond grateful for.  It, along with other challenges in my life, has blessed me with the gift of being a “wounded healer.”  One of many gifts it has blessed me with actually.  If I am ashamed of part of that journey then it makes it difficult for me to value the gifts it has blessed me with.  I can't make my “mess my message” if I hide part of the mess.  I can’t inspire others to open to that part of themselves, to tell their truth and own and honor their stories if I hide part of mine.  The energy of that will radiate out and who will trust me with their stories if I sit in judgment of my own?

I wouldn't change it.  Granted, there are some things in the story of my life that a small part of me would like to change but I still wouldn’t even if I could.  I wouldn't change it because coming out the other side, healing, transforming, continuing to heal and transform, being able to help others, opening to my gifts, learning to love myself (still navigating through that one) and be gentle with myself, along with the wisdom and treasure I have uncovered along the way have been worth it all.
If I feel ashamed of it I dishonor my journey, I dishonor myself and I dishonor my gifts.  How can I grow forward from that space?  I cannot.  As I have said, for me to own my gifts, to value them, to stand fully and beautifully in my power, light must be brought to the gloomy dark damp spaces of shame.

Will people judge me?  I’m sure that some people will but I don’t have to be one of those people.  My journey is about me, the evolution of my Soul and how I can use my journey to help others through theirs.  It’s not about them. 

The thing is, there is such beauty and treasure and wisdom in the perceived messes of our lives.  They are imperfectly perfect and if we bless and embrace them and stay open to the treasures within them, the treasures will reveal themselves.  I feel that it is so important to share our stories, to bring light to our dark and shamed and seemingly broken places because that is how healing takes place.

During one of my feeble attempts at sobriety, many years ago, I remember reading in one of Wayne Dyer’s books that he had left addictions behind.  And I remember thinking that if he had addictions and is now this amazing author and spiritual teacher, then maybe just maybe there was hope for me.  When we tell our stories, when we out our shame and refuse to let it fester any longer, we give hope to those who are going through similar situations and we let people know they are not alone.

Does that mean I am not scared?  Of course I am scared, I am actually a little terrified and part of me is screaming, “Tia, what the hell are you about to do?!  But I refuse to be held hostage by the darkness and the shame.  I refuse to hold back my gifts any longer because I judge my story or am afraid someone else will.  So here’s to being brave!

Friday, May 2, 2014

Day 32: Lessons learned from a selfie

I don't take selfies, well I didn't until today.  For a long time I didn't even have a picture of myself for my Facebook profile, instead I used a picture of my art.  To be honest, I generally do not like pictures of myself and am not a big fan of having my picture taken.  I've only started included pictures of myself on my profile over the past year or so and only with family, none by myself, until today.

I took the picture to include in a journal spread for the art journaling class I'm taking, Book of Days.  I almost didn't do it, I thought about using a picture of myself as a child instead but I'm intent on getting outside of my comfort zone and healing energy patterns and I knew this was something I had to do for me.

It really is just a picture right?  But I took 9 of them before I got one that I liked.  And I only kind of liked it.  It's strange because when I look in the mirror I see a different girl than the one that looks back at me from photos.  I thought about that a lot.  Why is it I look in the mirror and can see a pretty girl but I look at photos and see flaws?  Interesting question.  What came to mind is that perhaps what I see when I look at a picture is what I feel the world sees.  I know who I am on the inside and I know that I am a beautiful person.  I think that deep down we all are, which may seem strange given what some people do but I believe it's in there, under all the hurt and pain and wounds that some people have.  But anyway...I know me, I know my stories, my wounds, what I have been through, how I have healed, who I am.  But the rest of the world doesn't know that.  Perhaps it is the judgement of others I see when I see myself in photos, or, perhaps that is just a reflection of some deep seeded judgement I have toward myself.

Just think, all of that from a selfie.  I definitely see meaning in all things and I am glad that I do.  It has definitely given me something to think about, not that I don't already have enough going on in there as there are many deep things on my mind these days.  But I know that things come to my attention and are reflected to me at the exact time I need to be aware of them.  For that I am grateful.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Here's a sneak peek of the page I'm doing for the class I mentioned above, it's not done yet but I am loving it so far.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Day 31: Following my muse for another day

Work in progress from this morning
Work in progress from this evening
(Effy Wild is hosting another Blog Along as, for reasons you can read about on her blog here, she decided to start over in May and I have decided to continue and follow along as there is much I still wish to write and share about.  So, here goes another day.)

Before I start these are pics of the painting I am currently working on, one from this morning and the other from this evening.  It's amazing the difference in the colors in the pictures as this morning I had natural light and this evening it was not.

I know that yesterday I said I would write about empowerment and how I was thinking about where exactly I am in my Dreams but...

At first I felt guilty about not finishing and posting it because I said I would and it is important for me to establish trust and consistency.  If I was just blowing it off then the guilt would be justified but I am not.  The truth is that I have spent most of the day on creative projects.  I did some cleaning this morning as well and was going to clean some more when I stopped myself.  I often allow myself to get caught up in the little details and use that as a reason to avoid my creativity.  I am working to change that pattern so I stopped myself today because I did clean and really, the rest of it could wait until tomorrow.  My Soul was calling me to paint and the class I'm taking was calling me to creatively play and the bracelet I am making for a gift was calling for me to bead it and I had to answer.  I wanted to answer.

When I answer that call I let my Soul and my Creativity know they are important.  When I answer the call I let my Soul and my Creativity know they are important.  When I answer that call I allow joy and Divine connection into my Life.  So, I answered the call and have been lost joyfully in it today.  Paint on my fingers, projects all over my studio, books bound, stamping and gluing and beading...  It's been wonderful!  So I won't guilt myself into feeling badly about that and instead will allow myself to feel the magick, wonder and joy in that.

I did, however, start to work on the empowerment/where am I in my Dreams post so I will continue to work on it tomorrow, if that is where my Soul leads me and when It is ready, I promise I will post it.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Day 30: Internet troubles

I've been working on my painting for hours, lost in the process, a little tired but not ready to stop the flow. I went to sit down to write up my blog post an hour ago and I had no internet :(  Luckily I do have it on my phone but it's a little time consuming and tedious to write up a long post on it.  So this will be short and sweet.

Aside from my painting I also finished my hand bound hand made journal for the class I'm taking and am excited to do the first weeks lesson in it.  I also cut and glued foam for a cushion for the pallet chair I made.

On the internal from I've been thinking a lot about empowerment today as I had a dream last night that I discussed it with someone.   I've also been thinking about my Dreams and where myself and my "Core Desired Feeling" (Danielle LaPorte) are within them.  More on all of that plus an updated picture of my painting in progress tomorrow.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Day 29: Painting in progress

My painting in progress
For weeks I have felt the call to paint but I have ignored it, which has caused me to feel increasingly...icky, for lack of a better word.  True, I did work on and finish the journal page I posted the other day but that's not the kind of painting I have been called to do.  I have felt drawn to the canvas, I have even seen myself painting over and over in my mind.  Ignoring that call is resistance, and each time I ignored it the resistant energy built up more and more.  As I was walking down the driveway today, thinking about this, I decided that I was going to go inside and just paint because it is my desire to follow my Soul and I knew it would make me feel better to release that energy on to the canvas.  So that is exactly what I did.

I was inspired by a time lapsed YouTube video of Donna Downey painting from a couple of years ago.  This painting is definitely outside of my comfort zone but I am loving the process of it, just letting it flow and doing things in a way I haven't done them before.  It felt good to paint again and I didn't want to stop but there was a blog to do and meditation I'd like to do because I did not take the time to meditate this morning.

I also spent some time today getting my paper and cover ready to bind a journal for Effy Wild's Book of Days class that I am taking.  It has been what feels like a long time since I have made and bound my own journal so I am very excited for that project.  I got as far as putting my signatures together and picking out my cover material and then I couldn't find my waxed linen thread, which I really wanted to use, and I also wanted to paint so I set it aside.  I think I am just going to use Hemp cord for my binding thread because that is what I have and can find.

Inspiration definitely started to flow as I was painting today and there are a number of projects that have been wanting my attention that energy started to flow for again today.  And that feels really good.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Monday, April 28, 2014

Day 28: Out of sorts

It's Day 28 in the land of Effy Wild's April Blog Along and I am feeling a little out of sorts this evening.  I was going to try to write through it, as I had something planned to write about but, to be perfectly honest, I am just not feeling it today.  So, instead of forcing it, the resulting energy of which would not feel good to anyone, I am going to leave it at, "this is all she wrote."

One more thing, aside from my wonkiness this evening I am actually SUPER excited because I signed up for Effy Wild's Book of Days Premium today!  It was a belated Happy Birthday to me gift purchased with a gift card that my mom had gotten me for my birthday at the end of March.  It was an empowering decision to make actually.  And the class is very much in alignment with my wanting to establish an art journaling practice, as a spiritual practice which is something I've written about in my journal more than once over the past few months.  I'll write more tomorrow about why that was an empowering choice for me and how it was right in line with my core desired feelings (Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map) for tomorrows blog.

That's all for now.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Day 27: A quick afternoon trip

Today was a beautiful Spring afternoon, nice and warm with a gentle breeze that was just the right temperature.  My son's father has been to Asheville, NC a couple of times and has said that everytime he goes there that city has my name written all over it.  Since I only live 1 1/2 hours away, and I have been wanting to go check it out anyway, I decided to take a little afternoon trip there.

Because I only have a Michael's here and I miss my A.C. Moore and JoAnn Fabrics, the first thing I do when I am going to a new town is see if either of those stores are there.  I was super excited to see that both of those stores are there.  I was easily side tracked today and left way later than I wanted to so I decided to only go to JoAnn's so that I would have time to see downtown, which was my main reason for going.  Is it sad that I was so happy to be in a JoAnn Fabrics again?  The smell of the store, all of the beautiful fabrics and threads, stamps and was a beautiful thing.

On to downtown and I absolutely LOVED it there.  I wish I had gone on a Saturday and had left earlier in the day because there were stores that were closed and SO much to see.  There were so many great unique little stores, book stores, restaurants and an art gallery.  That was probably my favorite part, fun, unique, beautiful and sometimes quirky art work, it was so inspiring!  And there was this cute hippie type skirt that I fell in love with and am inspired to do my own twist on.

I loved the energy of the downtown area, the people, the stores, the everything!  It was a fantastic little trip and I am looking forward to going back again soon.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Day 26: She's finally done!

Just a little bit of art today.  After many days and much work she is finally finished.  It was a bit of a rough road with this one.  At one point I hated the background and I almost walked away from it and, while I've had those moments of dislike with art before, I've always just stayed with it.  Thanks to Effy Wild's paint over "Wildly Inspired" Episode, which I just so happened to be watching when I got to that walk away point, I decided to go back and paint over most of the background.  I'm so glad I did as I really like the way it turned out.

I hadn't planned on the Easter type theme, it just flowed forth and I followed it.  At the last minute the eggs called for Runes to be placed on them.  It speaks to me of Spirit, Spring, Renewal, Rebirth.

The more I look at her the more I think I like her.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Friday, April 25, 2014

Day 25: Rain and resistance and letting go, oh my

It rained off and on today.  One moment it was pouring down rain, I came out of a store and the sun was shining and it was warm, I came out of another store and it was raining again.  I do love the rain, the smell and the sound and the feel of it.  I think though, that it relaxes me a little too much, to the point of not wanting to do anything.  Combine that with the big ball of resistance I allowed myself to be today and that meant me not getting much accomplished.  I felt like I was doing more avoiding and wandering than anything.

I did to to deep places, thought about letting go and about everything that ties to the questions I shared yesterday, that I saw on the Adyashanti episode of "Super Soul Sunday."  I also thought about acceptance.  Adyashanti also talked about saying "yes" to each moment, even if the moment seems less than desirable, and I have been contemplating my relationship to that.

That is where I have spent a lot of my time today and while the big ball of resistance was with me, I actually listened to it and learned something.  Intellectually I have let go over and over and over again because it is my intent to heal and not carry and drag things along with me.  But today resistance showed me that, while I have made that choice intellectually, I have not made it wholeheartedly and I am still holding on by my pinky.  On one hand it seems silly to do that because I know the choice boils down to letting go and having peace or holding on and suffering.  On the other hand I also know that knowing something on an intellectual level is just one step in the process as there is a journey that it needs to take from my head to my heart so that it can be rooted there.  And while I know the benefits of letting go, I have written about them and it is one of the many things I help people with, I also know that having trouble letting go usually means there are emotions tied to the event that have not been felt.  So it is back to the drawing board with that because, for it to take that trip from head to heart and root itself there, the path needs to be clear of the hurt and pain and whatever other emotions are hanging out there.  And today I am also wondering if another reason for the resistance is that letting go makes it..real and permanent.  I know that that is a trick of the mind as it already is real and what I cling to by just my pinky right now, is already gone.  It no longer exists.  So I understand, I get it.  And I know exactly what I would advise a client to do, how I would help them find the gift of empowerment in letting go.  Taking my own advice would be beneficial here and I plan on doing that.

For right now I think I need to paint and create and art the sh*t out of it.  To let it flow from my body, down through my paintbrush, or my favorite painting tools which are my hands, and onto the canvas or in my Art Journal.  I need to open to it and listen to what it has to tell me about myself, my patterns, my life and let it do what emotions are meant to do as they are merely energy in motion and just want to be felt and released.

May you be blessed with light and love,


Thursday, April 24, 2014

Day 24: Sitting with things

I'm sitting with some things tonight after watching the "Super Soul Sunday" episode with Adyashanti this evening.  Profoundly beautiful.  I always love when I hear teachings that I already knew in a different way that makes me see that I forgot to apply something I knew to certain area of my life.

Adyashanti posed some questions that really made me stop and think about things.  He asked the following, "Since the past isn't here now, how is it that I'm keeping it alive?" and  "How am I sustaining that trauma?" and "How am I traumatizing myself?" and "How am I continuing it?"  To me this speaks of the story of the wound.  I've talked about the effects of holding on to our stories, I've written about it, I've dug into how I might be holding on to my stories but when he asked these questions it really got me thinking about the past year and a half and how I am holding on to a couple of stories, traumatizing myself with them, continuing them.  I could say I should have known better but then I would be "shoulding" all over myself and I try not to do that.

All of these things started coming up and my mind zipped to a number of places, good, deep places that need the light of healing.  I'm in a strange place right now with all of it in which I am pondering it all, understanding some, reflecting on all of it and resisting it all at the same time.

So much of what he said in that show resonated with me, inspired me, moved me and brought me back into the core of remaining wounds.  I am grateful for that as it is my intent to heal those spaces and the only way to heal them is to go deep into them.

So right now I am sifting through it all while doing my best to walk through the resistance, which took me to the TV and a bowl of popcorn and I could've stayed in front of the TV longer but I was determined to walk through it.  Like I said, strange place.  Not a bad place at all because I know I heard exactly what I needed to hear today and it is taking me exactly where I need to be.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Day 23: When shame is entangled within the beautiful threads of you Dreams

I am an artist, a teacher, a writer, and a healer.  Not quite a year into my healing journey, brought on by my recovery from drug addiction, I started to hear my Soul whisper, "I am a healer."  Prior to this time it wasn't anything I ever considered doing.  But as I began to navigate my Inner World, digging, following trails sorting through it all and pulling up treasure, I felt the incredibly powerful benefit of healing and I wanted to share that with others.  Having been in the trenches of deep emotional wounds from the path that my Soul self and my human self had chosen helped to cultivate this depth of compassion within me that I wanted to bring to the wounds of others.

This passion to help others heal began to grow, evolve, and intensify over time and it was clear to me that coaching would be the best vehicle for me to accomplish that.  I tried studying psychology but found it far too scientific and not at all holistic and that just didn't work for me.  Going through the process, and step work, of recovery from addiction gave me the benefit of helping to heal any shame I had had.  I worked very hard to dig through all the mistakes I felt I had made, to make amends, to forgive others and to forgive myself.

I emerged with a sense of peace regarding the choices I had made during that part of my life, as well as prior to that time.  I saw addiction as a blessing because it brought me deep into this spiritual and healing journey that was full of beauty and peace that, prior to this, I didn't think was possible for me.  It allowed me to begin to form a healthy relationship with myself, as opposed to the dysfunctional one I had had my entire life.  It also helped me to form a relationship with my Soul, with the Divine, with Life and the Universe.  The benefits have been beyond words.

Then the storm came in and left me feeling shattered as I began to navigate through the rocky terrain of grief nurse a broken heart.  He experienced a Life-quake that had to do with custody of his son.  First he pulled away to heal, then he asked me to wait for him if I could while he dealt with the situation kissing me goodbye and telling me he loved me and about two months after that there was a picture of him, his son, and a woman he called his finance on his FaceBook page.  He neglected to inform me, I had to find out by seeing that picture.  When I confronted him about it, through text message because he wouldn't answer my calls, he told me he loved me but that my past raised a red flag and he was worried it would prevent him from getting joint custody of his son so, instead of talking to me about it and finding out if I could've done anything to prove my sobriety, he bailed without telling me.  Keep in mind, this was 3 1/2 years into recovery, he knew me during that time and had seen me change and grow and was proud of me and "the amazingly complex woman" I was becoming.  While he was proud of me when it was him and I, he obviously wasn't so proud of what other people would think.  He was ashamed of me and my past addiction issues and because of those issues I lost him.

Shame is an interesting creature.  I knew the shame wasn't my issue, it was his.  I knew I didn't need to carry his feelings of shame and make them mine.  Yet, still, I watched shame sneak in.  I would write about it in my journal, talk to myself out loud about it, and as I did that and analyzed it I was carrying it around in my pocket, that way I could take it out and look at it and dissect it and, without realizing it, hold on tight to it.

Dr. Brene Brown talks about how shame festers in secret.  I talked a little bit about it but not enough.  And more important than that is that I think I was missing the root of the issue.  When an emotion moves in that is not fully processed and healed, it starts to create this haze that changes not only the way we see things, but whether or not we see them at all.  It clouds everything.  I started to lose that feeling of passion and connection to my Dream of being a Healing Coach and I was struggling to figure out why and how to get that back.  I knew I still had that Dream and purpose, I just couldn't feel it anymore.

I was thinking about all of it today (yesterday) and it hit me, I could not believe I had missed it.  The seeming loss of connection and passion was actually a shame fog that was clouding my Dream.  What happens when your Dream, the reason you have it, the reason that you are good at it, is something that you feel shame about?  How can that Dream be something you nurture, connect to and are passionate about when the very root of the Dream is growing in a toxic cesspool of shame?  It can't.  The poisonous film around it prevents any of the nurturing, passion and connection to permeate it.  

Dr. Brene Brown also says, "Guilt says, 'I made a mistake,' and shame says, 'I am a mistake.'"  And if my Dream is  built within a foundation and environment of "I am a mistake," growth is not possible.  And really it's not that I feel like I personally am a mistake but that is the energy that is surrounding it right now.

It was interesting to me because I was thinking back to when this Life-quake happened to hi and he pulled away and how, for some reason, I became intensely focused on creating my Coaching practice.  I wrote up an information sheet and posted to my Facebook page that I was taking free coaching clients.  And I coached people and it felt amazing and fulfilling.  It flowed naturally from me, gifts coming together in a perfect orchestra of doing what I love-helping people heal, helping from navigate through their own internal world so they could pull up the treasure buried within themselves.

And then I stopped.  Obviously heartbreak had an affect on the entirety of my life and that Dream was no exception.  But it grew into more than that.  I used to gush when I talked about it, the passion would ooze out all over the place and I could feel it in every cell of my being.  Over time that turned into frustration and I would rant about people not healing their shit and the passion was clouded.

Well, I know that I have no cause to be ashamed because of someone else's shame.  I had peace about that part of my past because I knew that part of what I was meant to do was take the wisdom and experience I had gained, and continue to gain, and use it all in service of myself and others.  Like I mentioned earlier, it brought me to the most amazing place in my life.  Somehow I allowed someone else's shame of me to be the food the shame monster fed on and now, I chose to stop.  So, what's the solution?  Posting this blog is part of the solution, bringing light and love to the shame because they can permeate the fog.  I can write about it, art about it, and let it go as it was never mine to carry to begin with.  My Dreams are big and beautiful and part of the reason I am here in the physical incarnation.  There are many people with deep wounds and I can bring healing and empowerment to those deep dark spaces.  How could I ever feel there was anything wrong with that Dream, regardless of the past that brought it forward?  I am a healer and it matters not what brought me to that space, it only matters that I use what brought me there to help others.  And that is what I chose to do.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Day 22: More to come tomorrow

I do love a beautiful sunset
I had more planned for my blog today, a post about what happens when shame is at the root of ones Dreams.  I have found that my writing flows better and I feel more connected when I write my blog in my journal first.  So I spent 30 to 45 minutes writing it in my journal and it still isn't done yet.  It needs more of my time and attention before it's ready for public consumption.

So, unfortunately another short blog but I promise to make it up tomorrow.  In the meantime all I have to share is a picture of a beautiful sunset I took pictures of outside of my house last night.  I do love the sunrise and sunset, the colors are so brilliant and stunning.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Monday, April 21, 2014

Day 21: I now have a studio!

Recent events in the house I'm staying at left a bedroom open.  My bedroom and creative space are in the basement.  When the bedroom opened up the plan was for me to move my bedroom upstairs and set up a separate studio space where my bedroom is now.  Every time I thought of doing that I didn't like the thought of having my creative space where there was no natural light.

With the present warming weather and summer coming I decided that I would be okay keeping my room in the much cooler basement.  Which, of course, means that I could put my studio upstairs!

I spent the morning working on a pallet chair for my new studio space (it still needs a back) and building a pallet stand to put an old door on that I was using as a work table.  You can see my obsession with pallets from the picture as there is also a pallet work table and a pallet desk.  I spent the afternoon moving up my essentials, well, a few more things than my essentials but then again, doesn't everything qualify as an essential when it comes to creative supplies?
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my studio space!!!  I can't even tell you how excited I was to begin creating in it but I am sure a lot of you understand.  I spent the evening hanging out in my studio, (I love saying that) and worked on a project and painted the girl I drew days ago in my journal.  If I wasn't so tired I would still be in there but the building, the moving, the up and down the stairs and all of the creating has left me gloriously worn out.  It's a really good worn out.  I can't wait to get back in there tomorrow!

May you be blessed with love and light,

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Day 20: A whole lot of nothing :)

A moth that came to visit tonight
I hope everyone who celebrates had a wonderful Easter.  I do not celebrate in the religious sense but I do in the baskets, candy, colored eggs and good food with good people sense.  And honestly, the energetic noise of it all wore me out.  I had something planned to write about as I am feeling an easing of the stuckness and a shift in energy but I just don't have the energy to write it.  So, I'm off to relax and maybe do some drawing or painting.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Oh yeah, it only took three weeks but I finally found a name for my puppy: Kamali.  It means spirit guide, protector.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Day 19: A visit from a butterfly

I spied this brilliantly colored yellow and black butterfly from across the yard as it was going from flower to flower all around the tree.  I went up to the tree and started taking pictures, following this beauty around the tree until I got this picture.  It's almost as if it paused and posed just for me.

The butterfly is rich with symbolism: faith, journey of the soul, transition, powerful new beginning.  I know this stunning creature did not catch my attention by accident, I do not believe in coincidence.  I had a moment last night, rather early this morning, as I was walking around the yard at 2 am talking to myself, my Soul, Spirit, the Universe and Mother Nature.  One of those tears in my eyes, pleading for direction, lump of emotional energy in my throat wanting to bust up and out of me type moments.  And it carried over and was with me when I woke up.

But today, after my late afternoon shower, I felt a shift, messages came my way through songs that played, something I read in a book I haven't picked up since December, through conversation, and, with the arrival of this butterfly.  I'm sitting with all of it.  Writing about it.  Doing my best to feel my way into it.  I am grateful for the response to my pleas last night, carried off into the wind.  They are all conspiring for my Highest Good and I forget that sometimes, lately, more than usual.  But I know it to be true.  The key is to figure out how to help all of it make that trip from my head, where I know it, to my heart, where I feel it.  I'm sitting with that as well.  I feel like I am sitting with a lot, working through so much, digging deep, sorting it all out.  Yet, that is the nature of transformation isn't it?

May you be blessed with light and love,

Friday, April 18, 2014

Day 18: Keeping it Simple Today

Sunset at my house this evening
I love the beauty of the sunset, the brilliant pinks, purples, and bright oranges.  It really is stunning.  I love the beauty of the sunrise as well.  I am a night owl and love the quiet of the night, and I love being up in the morning before anyone else, listening to the birds sing and watching the sun come up.

My plan yesterday was to keep it short and simple but, that just did not happen.  Not that I am surprised, I have a hard time telling a short story.  I start writing and it just flows and I lose time and next thing I know I've written pages in my journal.  And I'm okay with that because I love to write, I need to write.  I love filling the blank page with words, love to start a new journal, love to dig and figure things out among the pages of my journals.  It's where I connect to myself and my lack of writing tells me when I a disconnected or avoiding myself.

Today I really am keeping it simple.  I'm spending some time painting in my art journal while watching The Food Network.  Relaxing.  Easy.  Simple.  And beautiful.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Day 17: An "ah-ha" about reclaiming my power

"Rather than doing whatever it is you do to ease, mitigate and transform those states of being as acts of 'self-improvement' and 'getting fixed' or 'making better,' what if you approached those rituals and remedies as ways of getting your power.  No fixing and no anxiety rather, a trip to the Limitless Well of Knowing and Reliable Awareness."               -Danielle LaPorte
When I read the above quote I had to stop and write it down, that was two months ago.  I love this quote, I love the message of empowerment in it but, I don't think I fully got it when I read it.  It made sense to me on a surface level ad it obviously spoke to me because I wrote it down.  I think what I was missing was the application of it, the how-to piece of the puzzle for me.

A few days ago I was watching an artist video on YouTube and she talked about how she's a Creativity Coach and she teaches people to establish a creative practice because it's empowering to do so.  When I heard her say that I immediately thought of the above quote by Danielle LaPorte and it all clicked.  The "how do I apply this," piece of the puzzle clicked in to place and I understood what she was saying on a deeper level.  

I realized that doing things that involve self-care, meditating, being creative, taking steps towards my Dreams, those are all acts of empowerment.  So, when I meditate because I enjoy it and I need it to help me center, I am doing more than taking care of myself, I am reclaiming a piece of my power.  When I follow inspiration and dance naked and paint covered and freely with my creativity, I am actually reclaiming a piece of my power.

You see, I had it all wrong.  Even though I knew differently deep down, I was thinking and acting like reclaiming my power was going to happen in one big bold gesture and "BAM," I would have my power back and skip merrily along the rest of my path.  I wanted to make the decision and have my power back immediately; which translates to, I wanted to skip the process.

I know the process cant be skipped and that process is part of the journey yet, I get caught up in the "I just want to be there!"  But I can not skip steps and honestly, I would rather flow with the process because it feels more free.  And I am all about freedom.  The process is what I help people with and I do realize it is because I need to remember it myself.  This is not a new conversation for me, it is a deeper layer.

I was so excited and inspired by the "ah-ha" moment.  It was exciting for me to realize that in doing things for myself and building my Dreams I am taking my power back.  And each step of taking my power back fulfills my desire to be empowered.  I am now in the process of integrating it and allowing the energy of it to work its way through my energy.  Every day as I set my intentions I remind myself that doing these things are acts of empowerment and reclaiming my power.  And I remind myself as often throughout the day that I remember to.  It's a practice and I am being to understand that many things are.

May you be blessed with love and light,


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Day 16: Digging deep to center...resenting my Soul?

Trigger Warning:  For anyone who has sexual abuse in their history, I do briefly talk about it in my post today.  
"My blogging has been missing heart, vulnerability, transparency.  It's missing connection.  It's missing Soul."
This is what I wrote in my journal this morning.  I was thinking about me, wanting to connect at a deep level, my blog writing, my life.  I know I am capable of more, I've done more before.  I was, and have been, feeling a block and was spending some time reflecting on what it is.  Here's what came forth in my journal this morning:

Dig deep.  What is below the surface?  (I sat for a moment and just started writing.)  Resentment towards my Soul.  How does it feel to write that?  I feel guilt, I feel this pressure in my throat because I can feel that I have so much to get out as far as that's concerned.  I feel sadness, heavy emotion, and relief.  Relief because saying it claims it and until it is acknowledged, it can not be healed.  That idea of resenting my Soul has been playing in the back of my mind, as I contemplated if I felt that way.  I feel that clues have been pointing me in that direction.  I have been missing Soul.  And I think that is where the problem has been with creating, writing, connecting back to my passion for my Dreams.  That stuck feeling.  That feeling that I know I am being led to something yet resisting it to the point of misery.  And I can't take it anymore.  This place that I am in right now doesn't feel like me.

So today I sat down with determination to get to the root of this.  I have been setting intentions everyday when I wake up but those intentions have had to bang up against this cement was of resistance.  In writing that statement, "Resentment towards my Soul," a crack has appeared and the light of clarity is beginning to trickle through.  I resent my Soul.

I never thought I would feel that way.  Never thought I would say such a thing.  Yet one of my intentions lately has been to connect deeply to my Soul and once an intention is set with desire, the Reflective Surface of my Life tends to show me the gap between where I am and where I desire to be.

I believe that part of why we are here is for the evolution of our Souls.  I believe that Life and our Souls draw us to moments to remind us of Who We Really Are.  How we handle those moments, whether we follow them or go in a different direction, who we decide to be in relationship to them, is all up to us.  I believe that we co-create our reality at a human level and a Soul level.  My Soul is the heart and essence of Who I Really Am, who I have been, who I will be.  My Soul holds all the answers, holds my wounds, holds my joys, holds my Dreams and my Purpose.  If it is a true desire for me to be, do, or have something, then those seeds were planted in my Soul and a way exists for it to manifest in a way that is for the benefit of my Highest Good and the Highest Good of all.

Last year I experienced an unexpected and very painful ending of a relationship, which I wrote about here.  And I've written a bit about navigating through it in the early part of last year.  Navigating through the grieving process has been a challenge.  There has been much pain, loss, shame, blessings, gifts and opportunities within the beauty of it, which I do not yet see but am still open to seeing.

I believe that, for reasons I do not yet understand, and reasons that I may not understand until I am rebirthed back into the realm of Spirit, our Souls have chosen this for the Highest Good of both of our evolutions.  I have believed that from the beginning but, through the veil of grief and pain, I haven't always been able to feel that.

I have learned so much about myself, I have taken healing steps, I have let bits and pieces go, I have dug down deep within my depths to find the story of origin, the first broken heart, and I have, at times, gotten stuck in it all.  There are still fragments that require healing and those fragments hang in the air, producing this haze and fog, making it difficult at times to access myself, my awareness, my joy, the Heart and Soul of me.  It is time for those fragments to go as I know they no longer serve me and I will navigate through that process as best as I can and figure it out as I go.

I recognize that part of that process is getting to the truth of where I am.  And that truth is that somehow I started to resent my Soul for the loss and the heartbreak that I couldn't quite accept.  I lost some of my faith, sticking myself in the muddy contradiction of, "I know this is for my Highest Good," and, "How can this be for my Highest Good."  I fell back into the Land of VictimHood as my resentment means I am blaming my Soul instead of taking co-creative responsibility, instead of having faith and trusting the process of Life, the Universe, my Soul and the Divine Creative forces of it All.

I was hurt by it and when I am hurt I disconnect and put up a wall.  And this resentment took time to manifest.  Last summer I felt the call and pull of my Soul to move up here to TN and I followed it.  But little by little, piece by piece I abandoned that faith and started to resent.  As I think about it, I am not sure I lost faith as much as I turned my back on it.  How can I trust my Soul when the energy of resentment, because I was hurt by where I was led, surrounds it and makes it difficult to reach.  But I look back on my life and my Path and see many challenging painful situations and they all have worked out for my Highest Good.  I see the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in 99% of it from being molested as a child to my journey through, and recovery from, addiction.  But my perspective of life was not then what it is now and I didn't see things that way when I was going through them.

As a child, I don't remember knowing I had a Soul.  I'm not sure how but I did seem to know there was this 'God' (in the biblical sense) entity that people spoke of.  Part of the heartbreak of origin for me was feeling 'left out in the cold' by that entity when I would lay in bed at night and pretend I was sleeping so my stepfather at the time wouldn't come into my room.  Looking back I felt abandoned and broken hearted by life, by this 'God', by my parents- all of it equates to the heartbreak of origin.  Therapy brought me through the process of healing that.  And now, as I look back, having processed, having healed, having let go of pain and stories and wounds, I see them all so differently now.  While recognizing there are still stories and wounds left to heal.

Recovery from addiction brought me to a whole new depth of this spiritual and healing journey.  It brought me to a place of wanting to heal and figuring out how to.  It brought me hope.  It brought me new and every-changing beliefs and perceptions.  It brought me to learning how to love myself, which I am still learning how to do.  It brought me peace.  It brought me to my Soul and to the Divine, to Spirit.  And I formed a relationship with them and with myself, one I had never had before.  And I loved it and life.

That does not mean that I didn't have challenges because I did, I just navigated through them.  But this challenge, this one cut deeper than most and has been more difficult to journey through, which tells me that there are big lessons here for me and major things that I need to remember about Who I Really Am at my deepest level.

I do not want to feel any resentment toward my Soul.  I know it is not my Souls fault, it has always led me to my Highest Good, whether I realized it at the time or not.  Yet, I also know that it is important to honor how I feel and work through it.  And right now, that is how I feel.  I was building a relationship with my Soul and I was hurt within it.  And I know that was not the intention behind it as the Soul does not work on that level.  I understand that it is my perception of what happened that is causing the issue with how I feel.  I did what I always do when I am hurt, throw up a wall and close off.  And honestly, I'd rather learn how to lean into it and stay open because it no longer serves me to do it the way I have been doing it.  It just is no longer who I choose to be.  I choose to bring healing to this, I choose to forgive and I choose to let go  I know that if there is difficulty forgiving and letting go it is because there are emotions that haven't been felt.  So, I choose to feel them, I choose to process them, and I choose to heal it all.

Brick by concrete brick of resistance, I intend to take the wall down, break it apart, blow it up and open back up to my Soul, to the Universe, to Life, to Spirit.  I choose to open my heart back up and live from that place of deep connection and love within myself and my Soul.

I can feel there is much here to explore and feel my way through.  And I am determined to take this journey and come out the other side a truer version of Who I Really Am.

I know it was a long one, thank you for sticking with me.

May you be blessed with love and light,


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Day 15: My Punky Doodle

My puppy on his first day with me
I'd like to start off by saying that I am so excited and proud of myself as I am half way through participating in Effy Wild's April Blog Along!  Yay!  I was a little nervous about declaring such a commitment publicly and being able to stick to it.

On with today's blog.  This is a picture of my puppy that I received for your birthday two weeks ago.  He is an adorable Siberian Husky with one blue eye and one brown.  I love this dog so much!  I was so surprised when my friends got him for me, and SO happy, that I cried.

I wanted to see his personality before I named him so I've been watching him develop and grow and come into his own and, in the meantime, I call him Punky Doodle.

The first couple of days he was very calm.  He just hung out and was so peaceful and relaxed.  Based on those traits I considered naming him Aaru, which I still like, and means peace.

But as the days wore on, and he became more and more comfortable in his new home, he started to become very adventurous.  He had, and still has, no problem just wandering about exploring things.  Those traits led me to consider Ferren as a name for him which, of course, means adventurous.

Punky Doodle and his Aunt Harley
And of course there is the middle name, yes, my puppy must have a middle name.  I am very attached to Kachina which means Spirit.  And regardless of what name I settle on I am pretty sure that will be his middle name.

In the case with both names, while I liked them, neither one of them hit me and said, "yes, that is who you are."  I have asked him to come into my dreams and tell me and/or send me a sign.  I have had him for two weeks and nothing has come.  Little bits and pieces of his personality are being revealed everyday and I am paying attention to them all, but still...nothing.  I love calling him Punky Doodle and it so totally fits him but I'd like him to have an actual name and one that means something.  One that speaks and embodies all that he is.

He adores his Aunt Harley and is constantly climbing all over her and playfully biting on her.  He does not like to give kisses unless it's in the middle of the night or unless he puts his nose right on your lips and smells food.  He is still adventurous, curious, and very playful.  He loves to lay down between my feet and/or on my feet when he is tired.  He is not very attached and can take me or leave me sometimes, especially when it comes to his Aunt Harley.  That's not to say he doesn't love me or know that I'm his mama.  And tonight, I found him asleep with is face in a shoe.  He's just too funny sometimes.

I'm going to continue watching him and trust that a name will come to me in the right time.  Of course, that takes effort because I worry that a name won't come but I know that if I continue to think that way I will create a the situation I am worried about.  For now I am going to just love my Punky doodle and when a name comes, it will come.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Monday, April 14, 2014

Day 14: Derailed and my girls

Last night I was riding the wave of inspired empowerment and, therefore, had grand plans for today.  Meditation, art, moving the art desk I made yesterday out of a pallet into my studio space, redoing my business cards and maybe, if I had enough time, figuring out how to use the web builder function I got with my domain name.  I was feeling energized by my plans.  Of course, I woke up and ended up doing a babysitting favor for someone who was in a bind, so I had to put my plans off until the afternoon.

For some reason I just never recovered my excitement and energy.  I just couldn't get into the groove of things.  My energy felt completely drained and it wasn't the kids.  I've been experiencing energy drains for months.  I have been drinking green juice every day for a few weeks, along with taking vitamins and sometimes it helps in the morning but my energy always seems to drop off in the afternoon.  Some days are worse than others.  I fear I may have an energy vampire, but I digress.  I did, however, make some time for art as I sat down to draw after the late dinner I made.

While my girl that I am drawing is beautiful so far, there's something I am just not happy with.  All of y girls, with the exception of one, seem to have a very similar sadness to their faces.  I'm trying to fine tune her face, changing her lips to get a hint of a smile, adjusting and redoing her eyes, but so far that glimmer of happiness is missing.  I try to allow my girls to come through however they are meant to but I also want to bring ore magick, more joy, more mystery and fantasy in my drawings and my art.  But I wonder, perhaps their faces are a message to me, as much of my art is.  Even the emotion on their faces must serve to remind me of something about myself or they are reflecting something to me.  Maybe they are telling me that it might be beneficial to allow more joy into my life and then my girls will reflect it.

As I mentioned, there was one girl I did who had a playful look on her face, even the hint of a smirk, which is unusual.  I started a painting with her on it at the end of last year/beginning of this year, but I haven't touched her since.  I also put her on a t-shirt, that I did finish, but it was a grey t-shirt and the grey really shows through the painted colors so it is starting to fade already.  The girl has this look on her face because it is all about letting go.  That's the idea I had when she came through, let it all go.  I think that the topic of "letting go" is also the reason why the painting was never finished.  And the part of the message of that just might be that when we let go, the pressure eases up and the playfulness has room to grow.  I think it just might be time to pay her another visit.

I am off to continue working on my girl, I'll be sure to post pictures when she's finished.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Day 13: Part 2: Everything Will Change

If you missed Part 1, you can find it at the following link: Day 12: Part 1: The Universe and my Soul change my blog plans.

As I said yesterday, when I was digging into what I am afraid of that has me seemingly paralyzed and not taking any forward steps, the answer that came was, "that everything will change."  That actually surprised me because I want everything to change.  I don't want to be the same person in a month that I am today.  I want to grow and transform, blossom and fly and for me to do that, everything has to change.  And I thought I was okay with that.

I know it's common to fear failure but honestly, I am not afraid of that.  Of course, that didn't happen overnight.  I have done a great deal of inner work and digging and healing to come to this place.  I'm in a place right now in which I know, just as I know my name, that if I take those forward action steps people will show up that are looking for my products and services.  I feel it so strongly and pushing against where I know I am supposed to be is causing major discomfort.  I know that once I start taking those steps, the Universe will start taking more steps toward me than I can comprehend.  I know that all I have to do is have the courage to start.  Yet my Soul is whispering to me that what I am afraid of is everything changing and I realize it's that everything will change for the better.

Yet, I wouldn't necessarily classify it as fear of success.  To me, success is using my unique creative talents and abilities to be of service to myself and others.  It's living fully in my truth, deeply connected to myself and my Soul.  It's allowing myself to feel the joys in my life and experience all of the blessings life has to offer.  Want to hear something funny?  I just realized it really is fear of success.  Here's what I figured out.  For more people than just me, life can be an up and down process.  For me it seems to have been, doing well, pulling back, doing well, pulling back, and so forth.  And it's more than taking a few steps forward and one step back.  As I started to look at this pattern what I realized was that, as a child, we'd get out of the chaos, we'd go back, we'd get out again, we'd go back, there would be peace, the peace would be shattered.  And there is no blame here.  It's an energy pattern that I clung to and used to make sense of my world as a child.  Something told me that there was a connection here.  As Dr. Darren Wiessman talks about in his books, if you wouldn't consciously choose to live out a pattern then it is subconscious.  This pattern lives deep within my energy and the good news it, it can be rooted out.

Perhaps I am afraid because when things are going well, something always seems to happen to shake it up.  And just as I typed that I realized that perhaps it is the way I am interpreting the events that shake things up.  I have done much work around many of those events in my past but perhaps I have not fully integrated my new perception of them into my awareness.  I am grateful for the majority of my past and see how events needed to happen to bring me to this place I am in and to help me uncover the truth of Who I Really Am.  I haven't healed everything, I am, after all, an eternal work in progress.  But my point is that, if I view things differently now and integrate that updated view into my energy, then this pattern can be changed.  The fact is, I am not a small helpless child feeling unsafe and unsure.  I am a grown woman and I can make choices now that are empowering.

Things are going to change.  If I fear the blessing that are coming my way, that fear will create exactly what I am afraid of.  That is not what I want for my life anymore.  So I acknowledge and accept the fear.  I remind myself that I am not a child anymore.  I remind myself that I can choose how to proceed forward or I can choose to remain stuck.  Things are going to change whether I take forward steps or not but how they will change is determined by my courage to follow the direction my Soul is leading me.  It's my choice.  I can continue to be afraid that I when things are going well I will eventually get a shattering curve ball, or I can remember that, even if something hurts, I always get through it and I always come to a place of viewing it as in the interest of my Highest Good.  Sometimes that takes some time as there is something lingering out there that I have yet to see that way.  But I know it to be true, it just hasn't taken the journey from my head to my heart yet.

Today I am feeling empowered and I will share the ah-ha moment that brought it together in another post.  For now am I asking myself over and over, what forward steps can I take, no matter how small, to show my Dream, my Soul, the Universe, that my purpose is important, my Dreams are important and I AM IMPORTANT.  I'm digging deep.  I am determined.  It is my time to shine.  And yes, that scares me.  And yes, I am going to find a way to do it anyway.

May you be blessed with love and light,

This post is part of my participation in Effy Wild's April Blog Along 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Day 12: Part I: The Universe and my Soul change my blog plans

I had a topic in mind when I sat down to write my blog this evening.  I've noticed that when I start my blog in my journal, as I used to do, it flows better and I feel more connected when writing it, so that's what I sat down to do.  As I always do, I wrote the day of the week on the top left hand side of the page, and I wrote the date out on the other side.  However, instead of writing April 12th, 2014, I wrote March 12th, 2014.  It's my grandfather's birthday, I thought, the one who passed away in December and who I wrote about here.  But wait, his birthday already passed.  I decided to look back in my journal and see what I wrote on that day figuring that maybe it was a bit of guidance from my Soul and the Universe.  It was a short entry:
"It's been about a week and a half since I was 'set free' from my job.  I feel like I've had so much going on.  All these little things to do, and of course [my niece's] painting, which is important, that I haven't had any time to plan, nor to paint.  I'm making time.  Planning my dreams and taking action steps towards them is a priority.  The cards have been saying all these wonderful things but if I don't take action steps, there's no way for some of these things to happen."
The "I haven't had time" syndrome, yet again.  And writing that feels a little woe-is-me-victim-like.  That 'time' statement translates into, "I'm telling myself a story and co-creating what I don't want and what doesn't serve me."  And it translates to, "I'm feeling stuck."  Granted, I don't want to repeat that phrase and continue creating that situation, however, right here, in this moment, that is exactly how I feel...stuck.

I was let go from the job that I mentioned in my journal entry because, as I was told, "it just wasn't working out," and I knew it.  I could feel it.  I was being pulled to start my own thing as I have been for quite some time.  I am a healing coach, and a healer in general.  I am a talented artist.  I am a writer.  And I know that I am a teacher as well.  As the job wore on I knew that it was not where I belonged, I was being nudged elsewhere.  It got to the point where I was dreading coming to work and feeling sick to my stomach while I was there.  And it wasn't a bad job, it was in an industry I wanted to be in and the people were great, it just wasn't for me.  More about that another time.  As a side note though, the reason it was an industry I wanted to be in was because, well, it was a cop out.  I didn't have the courage to go forth and blaze my own trail into the land of my dreams so I settled for a job in an industry I care about.

In so many ways I was, and am, being guided that now is the time to do for it.  To be brave, to dive into my Soul and partner with it to use my dreams to be of service to myself, and to others.  Life is telling me that I am ready now, as ready as I will ever be.  I need to take action now.  And what am I doing?  Allowing myself to get caught up in the illusion of "not enough time." Allowing myself to get caught up in the everyday life stuff.  The stuff that we all have to do like grocery shopping, dinner, laundry, cleaning.  The problem is that I sometimes use those things as an excuse to not do all of those things that would move me toward my dreams.  And everytime I say/write those words I reinforce and create more of the same, catching myself in this endless loop of too much to do.  And what message am I sending to my Dream, to Life, to the Universe when I make those choices?  That my Dreams are not a priority.  And really, that I a not enough of a priority in my life because my Dreams are my passion and I'm not cultivating that for myself.  That is NOT at all what I wish to create.  And I am not a victim in this.  I can change the words I say to myself, I can dig things out and heal things and make empowering choices for myself and my dreams.

the painting I did for my niece
I have done enough internal digging and healing to know that there's something underneath the excuses and the seeming stuckness.  I mean, I've barely painted at all this year, (aside from some in progress paintings that I posted pictures of here, the journal picture I shared here, the painting for my niece, a painted t-shirt, and a pendant), let alone taken steps toward dream building.

I haven't created much of anything, art or dream wise and that leaves me with a sinking in my Soul.  I need to create on a regular basis, in many ways, shapes and forms.  I love it!  Creativity pumps through my veins.  It lights me up.  One time when I was in my creative flow and creating a set of personalized oracle cards for a close friend and someone came in to get me and told me that I was glowing my energy was so bright.  And I feel that.  It is a deep part of who I am, as is helping people to heal, and I feel as if I have kept myself from it lately.

And this isn't the first time, I have been here before, peeling back layer after layer of this issue.  I am determined to heal this place that I keep revisiting.  As well as healing whatever it is that has me clinging to "I don't know how" when I try to make plans for action steps as far as my Dreams are concerned.  It's interesting, "I don't know" is what I say when I really do know but I am afraid to face what I know and do it.

So, what is it?  What's the issues buried way down deep beneath it all?  A couple of weeks ago I asked myself that question in my journal.  Softly I heard a voice speaking truth from the depths of my Soul.  The answer surprised me.  I asked, "What is it?  Why am I having trouble moving forward?  Why is it that I am scared?"  The answer: "Because it will change everything."

Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Friday, April 11, 2014

Day 11: Feeling frustrated and cranky

Some tiny pretty flowers in my yard that make me smile
On this Day 11 of my participation in Effy Wild's April Blog Along, I am feeling frustrated and cranky.  I didn't start the day out feeling that way, even though I was tired.  But as dinner time approached those feelings started to feel settle in.  I imagine it's because I had so little sleep last night, and the night before, and the night before.  I was actually working on something last night but the previous nights, there was reason to be up so late.  I've noticed that for the past week or more I have been staying up way beyond my bed time and today the effects settled in.  I kept reminding myself that happiness is a choice.  I reminded myself that the frustration is here for a reason and I tried my best to lean into and accept it instead of pushing it away.  I sent love and light to myself and any person and situation I was getting irritated with.  But still the frustration and exhaustion prevailed.  And I'm okay with that.  Sometimes I need to be in these spaces and as long as I don't cling to being in these spaces, it's okay.

I did notice that my energy is more sensitive than usual when I am feeling this way.  Have you ever been around someone whose energy shoots out at you, especially when they are in a good mood?  They are happy and hyper and their energy imposes on you as it oversteps your energetic boundaries.  It's difficult to describe how that feels.  It's a type of energetic sensory overload and it's painful but not in the same way that physical pain is.  I feel that way sometimes when there are too many people at the grocery store.  There is too much energy there and I feel it and it creeps up on me and pains me and causes me to feel a bit claustrophobic.  That's one of the reasons I need so much time to myself.  I need quiet time to contemplate, read, write, recharge and to be away from the sensory and energetic effects of other people.  I know it's a blessing and I am grateful for it but sometimes it is too much and I need to retreat.

I was definitely feeling that way tonight, wanting to go to my space and be alone, away from it all.  But there was dinner and dinner clean up and things to do for other people.  When I finally came downstairs to my basement bedroom, I felt a sigh of relief gently leave my body.  I went outside and sat on the steps outside of my door, far away from people, and just looked up at the beauty of the waxing moon.  It's cloudy here tonight and some of the clouds are hazy so the ring around the moon looked to big, and the light of the ring mixed with the clouds was beautiful, peaceful, exactly what I needed.

That's all for me tonight, this tired girl needs to get some rest.

May you be blessed with love and light,


A late Day 10 and a visit from Last Minute Lucy

My son's brother (from another mother) has a wooden box that he asked me to draw a specific design on, wood burn and stain for him.  Two months ago he asked me to do that.  He lives in a different state so I knew I had some time to get it done.  Monday night I found out that he was driving in on Tuesday evening and staying until Friday, today.  I have had more than enough time to get it done but still, Last Minute Lucy here decided to wait until 9pm last night to start on it.  I would really like to get a better grasp on approximately how long projects will take because I was thinking I could get it done in a couple of hours.  It seemed simple.  He had a design from one of his favorite guitar brands that I had to draw on the box, then wood burn it and then stain it.  It's not a tiny box but it's not a large one either.  Funny girl that I am.  For the record I'd like to say that apparently I am delusional when it comes to project completion time estimation because I didn't finish it until 3:30 am and I only took a couple of short breaks.

By the time I was finished I was exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open, let alone write a blog post.  Of course, I did have all day to work on that as well among the other things I was doing.  But, I am the Queen of the Last Minute.  Then again, if I was the true Queen of the last minute I'd actually be able to complete things on time at the last minute but, as I've clearly exhibited, that is sadly not always the case.  While I work well under the pressures of a deadline, there have been Christmases in which I stayed up most of the previous night working on gifts and they still weren't finished when presents were being opened.  There have been birthdays in which I gave gits and had to say, "Be careful, that's not dry yet," or, "Just give me 10 more minutes and your gift will be done."  You get the picture.

Ah, glorious procrastination.  Here's the thing about that, I read somewhere (and I apologize because I do not remember where) that procrastination is when your energy does not line up with a thing (whatever thing that might be) that you need/want/must do.  While I had the desire to do that box, I couldn't seem to find the desire in the moment to get to it, until I knew it had to be done or it wasn't going to get done.  And I believe if it's something that we really want to do, and even something we don't want to do, that our energy isn't lining up because, for whatever reason, we have resistance to it.  Which makes sense in the case of not wanting to do it but is confusing in the case of wanting to do it.  That energy of resistance leaves me to find a number of other things, usually trivial and not important, to do, including wasting tie and avoiding what I really want to do all together.

Procrastination and avoidance are certainly close relatives.  Of course, the question is, why procrastinate?  Why avoid?  Well, it depends on the situation.  What I have forgotten to do is to bring awareness to it.  Both procrastination and avoidance are a result of resistance.  Resistance has something to teach e or remind me of if I stay open to hearing what it has to tell me.  I tend to push against the resistance, constantly telling myself, "Just start doing it," or "why can't I just get it done?"  All of the statements I say to myself are really just resistance to the resistance and pushing against the resistance will cause the energy of it to push back with equal force.  It's a no win situation because I become locked in a stalemate until I am facing not getting it done and potentially disappointing someone or myself, or, exhausting myself, pushing myself and rushing to get it finished.  Quite honestly, I don't particularly enjoy either of those outcomes.

So, what's the solution?  Because I believe a solution exists.  Ah, my old friend acceptance.  So often I want to push against feelings that come up that are uncomfortable, anger, resistance, and sometimes even joy.  But if I bring awareness to it and accept that resistance is paying me a visit, and stay open to what it has to say, the pressure of the energy of it will let up.  If I write it out or talk to myself about it the I will have the opportunity to find out why it has come to grace me with its presence.  What I don't want to do, however, is cross that line from using it as an opportunity for growth so that I can do what Stephen Pressfield says and, "Put [my] ass where [my] heart wants to be," and using my tools as an excuse to resist even longer.

I've said if before, and I'll say it again, I am always intrigued by the fact that I have these tools, I know to bring awareness to things and accept them but, sometimes, I forget to apply that knowing to all layers and areas of my life.  But that's the thing, we have so many complex interwoven layers that exist for all of our issues, beliefs, wounds, perceptions, etc.  And when the time comes to heal another layer in one or more layers, we have that "Ah ha" moment.  That moment in which something clicks and we, at least I, say, "I know to do that, I can't believe I forgot to apply it here."  And this is where it's important for me to not "should" all over myself with, " I should have known better.  I should have known to do that."  Sometimes I forget that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in each moment.  My faith has been shaken up over the past 18 months and I am slowly working my way back to it.

So, Day 10, better late than never.  I had to be gentle with myself here as well because I made a commitment to write 30 blog posts in 30 days and, while I still plan on writing another post later today, I really wanted to post every day.  But I am human and I am on a spiritual ad healing journey in which the Reflective Surface of my Life shows me what i wish o change and what I would benefit fro healing.  And sometimes, for me to remember to bring awareness and acceptance to things, like resistance, I had to choose to resist something and have consequences that I did not enjoy.  It all works out for my Highest Good, even when I don't remember that.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Day 9: Being moved by the sharing of others

I follow Andrea Schoeder's (at Creative Dream Incubator) blog but I didn't know about her "Give Your Dreams Wings" blog hop until I read about it on Effy Wild's blog, as she is a participant.  Yesterday I picked one of the participants blogs to read, Victoria Brouhard of The Practical Art of Letting Your Soul Lead the Way.  In her blog titled, "How to Come Back to Your Dream After Heartbreak," she wrote the following:
"I thought I wanted a thriving business that would allow me to look forward to getting up and going to work every morning.  That's still true, but what I wanted even more was to be connected to myself and my soul so deeply that nothing could disconnect me." 
When I read those words I actually stopped reading, put my phone down, and walked away, telling myself, out loud of course, "I need to sit with that for a moment."  It was as if those words were lit up like a neon sign with blinking lights and an arrow that said, "Tia, look here."

She articulated what I was feeling and the thing is, I didn't even know I was feeling that way until I read her inspiring words.  And her words hit me deep.  True, I have been working toward re-connection to myself and my soul because disconnect seems to be a default setting I have allowed myself to stay in since childhood, but what I hadn't thought about was a connection, "so deep[ly] that nothing could disconnect me."  Those words feel powerful, those words move me, those words express a longing I didn't even know was there.

As a child disconnect was a form of survival from the molestation I experienced and the violence I witnessed.  When you go into survival mode, that's the body's fight or flight response, the fear of it all leaves you wanting to run and get the hell out of whatever situation you are in.  I lived that fear long enough that the disconnect of fight or flight became ingrained as a pattern within my energy.  It gets to the point where I realize I am not feeling many emotions, no love going in, no love going out.  I do, however, experience frustration and anger  So, it seems that part of my fight or flight involves me closing off my heart center.  And let me tell you, I seal it up fast, without realizing it.  If I'm hurt, even in the tiniest of ways, it gets sealed off.  That is not how I choose to live life.  And I understand that my clinging to this pattern and not bringing awareness to it has allowed it to become so ingrained.  I also know that I have the power to change it.

In "Spiritual Liberation," Michael Bernard Beckwith says, (and I don't remember the exact words so this is a paraphrase), "It's easy to close your heart off when you have been hurt.  The challenge is to keep it open even though you have been hurt."  I agree with those words.  It is so easy to close yourself off when you have been pained.  Especially when you open you open your heart to someone in such a deep and vulnerable way, more so than you have with anyone, and you find yourself being shattered.  It takes effort to come back from that.  It takes effort to open your heart up to the world despite the fear and the pain.  And it has been interesting to me how the energy of closing off happens without my knowing it, that is, until it's already been done.  Which tells me, as if I didn't already know, that it is a subconscious pattern.

I know there are things I can do, I can meditate on it, work with affirmations, create it right open.  And I am getting to that point.  But I have to be honest, right now I am scared, and I don't want to be.  And while I say I chose to feel the fear and do it anyway, that choice has not yet finished its journey from my head to my heart.  I could sit with the fear but I know why I am afraid.  But pain is part of the process, pain is sometimes how we grow and I know this pain is not the last I will experience.  I do not want to be a person who closes off, that kind of life is not the life I want to live, nor is it the person I want to be.  When I was with my ex I chose to open my heart and feel the love he, and other people in my life, had for me.  I didn't do it for him, I did it because I wanted to be a person who felt the love coming in,  not just going out.  I know I can make that choice again.  This is an opportunity for me to learn about true Divine love at an even deeper level.  And I am determined to do that, otherwise, it's not really living is it?

I am so grateful that I read that blog and those words.  I love to inspire and I also love to be inspired.  I love when I am blessed with witnessing the vulnerability and authenticity of others.  I love when what they share stops me in my tracks and reminds me of Who I Really Am.  For all of you out there who do that, I appreciate you and I am grateful for you.

May you be blessed with love and light,