Sunday, March 31, 2013

On Turning 40

Recent events have left me feeling a bit disconnected from my purpose, from my Soul.  I know that I can never truly be disconnected from my Soul, but I can cause myself to feel that way.  And my purpose?  Well, it's intimately woven into the fabric of my Soul so I'm not sure if I can disconnect from it but I can avoid it.  That's not my intention, but sometimes our intentions do not match our actions.

I have been excited about turning 40 this year.  The symbolism of my 40th birthday was lost on me until today, resurrection, rising up out of circumstances, allowing the parts of you that no longer serve you die, exactly where I am at.  Some people thought I was being sarcastic, "Are you really excited or..."  Yes!  I really am!  I have been through my fair share of shit, deep puddles of it that I sometimes threw myself into.  We all have, I don't think anyone makes it through life unscathed.  I have healed so much over the past almost 4 years, and I have pulled out treasures I never dreamed existed.  And I wouldn't have found that treasure had I walked a different path.  I have no regrets about the past 40 years, although I am deeply apologetic for any pain or harm I have caused other people.  Each step, whether in pain, joy, love, loss, or self-torture was necessary for my arrival at this place that I love and am excited about growing into.  Each step has prepared me for my purpose, each step has helped to cultivate aspects within me that will be necessary to grow forward, and I choose to be grateful for each step.  While I don't necessarily feel the full gratitude for everything yet, for each step, I am open to growing into it.

I choose to see how fortunate I am to have gotten clean and sober and to be spending my 40th birthday in sobriety.  I've had friends go back out there and it can be painful to watch.  Yet in that I choose to send them love and to be inspired to continue on my healing path.  I am fortunate that, for me, it was never just about being clean and sober, it was about internal healing. I've seen people who just stay clean and sober, some don't heal, some heal a little and stop and, while they don't pick up, they don't grow forward either.  This is not a judgement, everyone has their own path.  It's about recognizing how truly blessed I am to have made the choice to heal.

My Mom called to wish me a Happy Birthday today and we had a good talk.  Sometimes I can't help but go in to "coaching" and "guiding" mode.  It is so much a part of who I am to help guide and heal, that it just comes out, and this conversation was no different.  I didn't realize how much I needed to it, to be in touch with that part of myself again that I have felt disconnected from.  To feel that passionate energy rise within me, to hear it in my voice.  I've missed that so much.  I hung up, saying to myself I have SO much to share, SO much to say, SO much to offer the world.

That's part of the reason why I am so excited about this next half (or so) of my life.  I have healed SO much of my "story" and I continue to do so as there are still layers I am touching on that I didn't know existed.  As I've said, I have pulled up SO much treasure that's been sitting there collecting dirt and grime throughout the past 40 years, waiting for me to discover and shine healing light on it.  I am coming to this next phase of my life with so much treasure to share, and still so much left to be discovered.  I have gained so much insight and wisdom and I get to take that and live, truly immersed, in the next phase of my life with it.  But I don't wish to keep it all for myself, I wish to share it with the world.  I choose to leave the most beautiful, bright, inspired, healing imprint on the Souls of this world and the only way for me to do that is to share my treasures, even as I am in the process of unearthing them.  Even when they don't look like treasure as they are raw and covered in mud and muck.

I choose to continue to shine that healing light upon myself, and on the world.  When I was talking to my Mom today I told her that I had been watching "Ghost Whisperer" episodes and that I had seen an episode in which there was a memorial and people were saying things about the woman who had passed.  I told her how I was thinking, "what do I want people to say about me" when I pass?  "Tia had so much potential but she never did anything with it."  No!  That is NOT what I want to be said.  If I continue to stay in a place of disconnection, fear, and avoiding my purpose, that is what will be said.  Instead I'd like it to be, "She weathered her storms and pulled through.  She walked through the seemingly destructive fires and turned them in to flames of transformation, healing, and growth.  She was a beautiful bright healing light on this world.  She shared her process of uncovering treasure, she helped people uncover and re-discover who they really are.  She spread her wings and she soared past the stars."  I could go on and on because this vision that I have encompasses so many things, so many dreams, so much I choose to share, and I plan on doing them all.

Yes, there is some fear in doing all of that, in putting myself out there, in trusting in my purpose.  There are energy patterns to uproot, process, and heal along the way.  There is much work to be done.  As I wrote in my journal this morning I felt the infinite energy of possibilities.  I wrote, "Let's just go for it!  I don't have anything to lose."  I choose to feel the fear and DO IT ANYWAY!  I choose to blaze my own trail and shine the healing light of it on the world.

So, as I turn 40 today I am inspired.  I am excited.  I am immersed in the field of magic and possibilities.  "Some day" will not ever come.  The only time we have is now.  I choose to use my unique creative talents and abilities to be of service to myself and others and shine my light into the world.  My Soul pulls at me to do so, communicates with me in the most amazing ways.  This is why I am here.  I may not understand some of the sacrifices and choices made along the way but they do help me to understand just how important my purpose is to my Soul, to me, to others.

Remember, you can tell the story of your life, this moment, your future moments, in whatever way you choose.  Not coincidentally, I've had two conversations with people about that, just today.  If you could tell the story of the rest of your life any way you wanted, if you could strip away all the limits just for a moment, what is the story you would tell?  I have the whole rest of my life to do it any way I want, so do they, so do we all, regardless of what age we are.  What is your Soul pulling at you to do? Have you spent most of your life taking responsibility for others?  Have you spent the majority of your life mothering children?  Have you been lost in the dark thick forest of self-destruction, bringing yourself to healing and transformation?  Where are YOU in your life?  What have you done that YOU wanted to do, that makes YOUR spirit sing, that fills YOU with a sense of passion, purpose and fulfillment?  You do not have to wait for a big birthday to start including yourself in your life.  You do not have to wait until "some day," when the kids are grown, when the bills are paid....the list goes on and on.  The only thing that limits me is the limiting beliefs I have about myself, life, my experiences.  BELIEVE IN POSSIBILITIES.  YOU have purpose, and YOU deserve to live life to the fullest.  I have this conversation with people and they say, "but I can't do that because..."  The truth is you can't do that because you believe in that limit.  And that's all.

I choose to make the best use of whatever time I have left.  I have gifts to offer.  I am blessed with the ability to help people heal in so many ways and it brings me the most amazing sense of fulfillment and purpose.  I choose that.  Why would I tell the Universe any other story other than one of success?  Yes, it takes effort to do that.  You do have to go through the process, as much as I sometimes try to skip it.  But if you hold that vision in your mind, in your energy field, if you bring awareness and the light of healing to the energy patterns that are blocking you by looking at the reflective surface of your life, if you process, heal and let go, if you keep growing forward as best you can in each moment...ANYTHING is possible.  Believe in magic.  Believe in possibilities.  Believe that YOU own the co-creative power to bring it all to you.  Why would you want to tell it any other way?

With love and light,


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