Monday, December 16, 2013

A Death in the Family and an Emotional Hangover...

I woke up Saturday morning to the sound of a text message on my phone.  Groggy and without my glasses, I picked it up and checked to see who it was from.  It was fuzzy but I could see that the message was from my Dad.  I had just gotten a new phone number and sent it to him the day before, he was letting me know that he got my new number and that his Dad had passed away earlier that morning.  I sat there in shock, "No, he can't be dead.  No."

My grandfather had Alzheimer's and, according to my Dad, he hadn't eaten or drank anything in 6 weeks.  We knew it was coming as my sister and I had just had a conversation about it a month or so ago.  We talked about how important him and my grandma and my aunt were to us growing up, about how time had gone by and we lost touch, about wanting them to know how we felt before we got that phone call.  And now it was too late.

Still in a daze I went upstairs and outside, trying to let the news sink in.  The tears started to roll down my face and I sobbed for the loss of this man who was such an important part of my childhood.  I do believe that birthing back into spirit is a beautiful process because you are home and free of all the human constraints.  He was no longer suffering and I know that my Uncle Roddy who died at 16 years young, and my sister Carrie, who died at 8 years young, were there to greet him.  I wasn't so much sad that he had died as I was sad because I would miss him.  I was also sad because I had lost touch and hadn't seen him in 10 years.  The blanket of Regret washed over me as I wished I had told him how much he meant to me.

Childhood was not a good time for me.  I lived in a chaotic house full of lack, anger, violence, among other things.  It is what it is.  But when we would go to my grandparents house and/or my aunt's house, we felt safe, we felt wanted.  There was a sense of freedom at those houses for us, not freedom to do whatever we wanted to do but freedom to just be the kids we were.  Freedom to laugh as much and as loudly as we wanted, freedom to ask for seconds, freedom to hang out with the adults as the whole family would sit around the large kitchen table after dinner and talk and drink coffee.  They always made it a point to call and ask for us to visit around the holidays.  They loved us and we knew it.  I loved and still love them deeply, but do they know it.

In his passing I was reminded of the importance of telling people how you feel, before it's too late.  While I know this and I've even re-posted things on Facebook that talk about it, I failed to actually do it.   As I mentioned, my sister and I had just talked about it, and I still failed to act on it.  I know that he knows now, I just wish I would have told him while he was still here.  But I don't wish to stay in that place of regret and, as the day went on and the tears fell, I came to realize that I chose to be inspired by it.  I choose to honor his memory and his passing by working toward telling the people in my life who have had a profound impact on me, how very much I appreciate them.  It's important.  You never know how much time you or anyone else has.

At the end of the day and after many many tears, I read a post about someone having a bad day due to my grandfather's passing.  It made me realize that I did not have a bad day.  I had an emotionally draining day but it wasn't at all bad.  I loved and was loved by this amazing man who made my childhood a little easier to bear and who was now back in his true form of spirit and no longer suffering, how was that bad?  But what I realized was that I see people who have lost loved ones use their passing as an excuse not to let joy in, as an excuse not to live their lives.  I refuse to use the passing of my grandpa Frank when I was pregnant, my sister who died too young at 8 years old, my Grampa Wahl who just passed, or anyone else who might go in the future, as an excuse not to live my life.  Yes I'm sad, yes I will miss them, and yes it hurts.  But does it truly honor someones memory to use them as an excuse not to go on with life?  When they look on from the realm of Spirit will they feel happy and honored that you are being dragged through life by their memory instead of fully living it?  I don't think so.  If anything I would rather find a way to be inspired by their lives and their passings.

I woke up Sunday morning with an icky feeling head and a headache.  Emotions ran high on Saturday and a lot of emotional energy was released resulting in, what I call, an Emotional Hangover.  In spite of that I felt a sense of peace about his passing, about the roller coaster of emotions that had visited me, and of ways I hope to be inspired by his transition.  There's still the funeral which, if I can go, will be very emotional as I will be seeing family I have not seen in many years and will be visiting the house where memories of him are and he is not.  I can already feel the emotion on its way.

Goodbye Grampa Wahl, may you rest in peace and know that you helped to give my childhood some happy, safe, and joyous memories.  Thank you for teaching me how to tie flies, for making me laugh as you popped out your dentures and made funny faces.  I'll miss you "ole dog," and I'll love you always.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Inspired by November "Super Soul Sunday" episodes...

"evolve, transform, grow"
I had never heard of Mark Nepo before I watched the two "Super Soul Sunday" episodes that he was on.  He is, as Oprah described him, "a gentle poet," and a cancer survivor.  He has a very gentle energy and speaking voice yet, the impact of his words is quite powerful, at some points sending chills up and down my legs as my energy and Soul were pointing to the truths in what he spoke.  He expressed spiritual beliefs and thoughts in such a beautifully poetic way, I only hope to be able to express myself as well.  Here are a few of his quotes that I had to stop and write down during the two episodes:
"Whatever opens us is never as important as what it opens."
"To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken."
"We are broken open or we willfully shed."
"Every single being has n amazing unfathomable gift that only meeting life head on will reveal."
"You can't bypass the human journey, it's the cocoon that releases the Soul." 
After watching the episodes I started thinking about pain.  They (Oprah and Mark Nepo) talked about going through things, through pain.  It reminded my of something I say, "The only way 'out' is through the door marked 'in.'"  The only way to get out of whatever it is you are feeling is to go into it, inside of yourself, to heal it.  I was so inspired by these episodes that I wrote up a sort of intention, I guess you'd call it, for walking through pain, or any other emotion that's uncomfortable, or maybe just getting through any challenge in general.

So here it is:

I choose to walk through the pain, through the loss, through the disappointment.  I choose to go in their doors and walk through them.  I choose to see the beauty in the pain because, if I merely remain open to it, one day, my eyes will clear to see it.  I choose to walk through it all, one step at a time.  Some steps will indeed be graceful, while others will be anything but.  Some steps will lead to stumbling and falling face first in the mud.  I will see the beauty in those steps as well, for only while my face is on the ground can I see the treasure that is poking it's head up, ever so slightly.  In my stumble is where I will see, then dig out, that treasure.  Some steps will be me pulling myself back up, brushing myself off and sitting with the treasure that I have uncovered, hearing it's story, holding space for it, coming to know who and what it is.

Some steps will be taken in anger and, where in the past I would jump off the path and find a way around it, I will instead walk, or stumble, or perhaps even fall through it.  I will feel it and find healthy ways to process it.

Some steps will hurt and I might sit for a moment and rest.  And I will sit in the place of pain, hurt, loss, disappoint, or whatever the emotion might be, honoring it by listening to the wisdom it has to share.  For it is through those emotions that I learn what needs to be healed within me, what hurt dark spaces within me need the light of my healing love.

I'll take some steps alone and in others the quiet shrill whisper of shame might creep up from my deepest darkest spaces, as I know it will.  Instead of tucking it in my pocket and muffling its voice, with my head hung, I will share what it says to me so that I may heal those past hurt spaces from which it sprang, with my head held high.

I will not take my steps perfectly but I will take them in a way that is right for me, for my Soul, for my path, for my healing, and I will do my best to be okay with that.  I will do my best to learn how to love all of me, as I step "in," and not just the places that have healed so close to wholeness but also the places that are dark and dusty and still transforming and growing, as well as the ones that haven't even started yet.  I will remember that, while my heart was broken, I was not.  I will also remember that in the feeling of all having been shattered in my life, pieces are merely being rearranged into a truer more beautiful version of Who I Really Am.  I will step my way through and allow the process, sometimes skipping steps and later coming back and going through the process of those avoided.  Which for me means that I will do my best to not gloss over the process with where I want to be and, instead, set the intention and allow myself to heal into it.
I will continue to step into forgiveness each and every moment, as difficult as that can sometimes be.  I will remember that forgiveness is a gift of love and an act of kindness toward myself as it sets me free.  I will remember that I, too, live in a glass house and have hurt people before, and have been forgiven.

I will use my life and my experiences through these steps, and all others that I will surely take, to be of service.  I will allow myself to shine in my vulnerability while hoping to touch the healing hearts and Souls of others.

I will be patient with my humanness and love and accept it in all of its imperfect perfection.

And while I won't always understand what brought forth the pain in the midst of it, I will stay open to clarity, open to the purpose as I believe everything has many.  I will remember, in each step, that, as Eckhart Tolle said, "I am not the emotion, the emotion is in me."  With each step I will remember that the emotions, whatever they might be, whatever might bring them forth, are merely energy and I will do my best to allow them to flow through me.  I will remember, and remind myself, that everything is working out for my Highest Good, even when it might not feel like it.

I will remember that the moment will come when I will walk through the other side of it, having transformed into a better version of myself, one that I could not have been were it not for the event.  And I will set that intention while being present in each moment, of each step, of each beautiful breath of this crazy life I am living.  To the best of my abilities.

May you be blessed with love and light,



Monday, November 25, 2013

Mirror, Mirror on the son shows me the reflective surface of where I truly am...

It's no secret that our children serve to be some of our greatest teachers.  I also believe that they serve to show us the reflective surface of our lives, ourselves, and where we are truly at, as my son did last week.

For me, growing up meant doing as I was told, end of story.  There was no expression of individuality, no encouragement to figure out who I was or express my opinions.  There's no blame here, no one knew these things themselves so how could they have taught them?  I have made some good choices with my son and some really unfortunate choices.  One of the good choices I have made with him, which does sometimes bite me in the ass, is that I have encouraged an expression of individuality.  I have encouraged him to express his opinion and tell me how he feels about things, even if I might not like it.

I went outside, one sprinkling day last week, to get him to come inside to do is kitchen chores.  He had been asked to come in to do it twice already.  He stood outside in the sprinkling rain looking out towards the mountains as I walked up to him, calling his name.  I told him that it had been enough time and he needed to come in to do his kitchen chores.  He told me that he was doing something that was "energetically important" and he wanted to finish it and he would be right in.  I told him that he would have to finish what he was doing after his chores.

Now, I have taught him about energy.  I have taught him the importance of working through and clearing out the negativity, of releasing blocks, of healthy energy maintenance.  Yet, as I stood there feeling the energy of him standing his ground, I found myself pushing against him, pushing against his authentic self and certainly not being my authentic self.  I felt in my body that what I was saying was not a match with who I really am.  I told him he shouldn't have started doing that knowing that he had chores to do, that he should have planned better, who the hell was even talking because it didn't feel like me.  And he felt it as he told me, very calmly but most certainly confused, that what I was saying wasn't logical.  He was right, he was doing self-care that was important and he was only asking for five or ten more minutes, but I kept going.  As I walked away, telling him to come inside, he very calmly told me that what he was doing was important and he was going to finish and them come in.

I should have celebrated his decision but I did not.  I stormed inside, took his 3DS and went downstairs all sorts of pissed off.  But why?  "Tia," I said, "what is it that you are really upset about?"  As I sat with it I realized what it was that truly upset me, my child had showed me the reflective surface of who I was in relationship to who I desire to be, and I did not like what I saw.  I was really angry because he had the balls to stand his ground and do what was important self-care, regardless of what I thought, and I did not have the courage to do that.  The truth is that I desire to make myself a priority and I have grown within this desire, but I am not anywhere near where I'd like to be.  Yet, at 14 years old, my son had the courage to do it and he did it in a calm way.

The next morning, as soon as he woke up, I went to him and apologized and told him I was wrong.  I told him the real reason I was upset and that I was so very proud of him for taking care of himself and his energy, and for making it a priority.  I told him that while it was my intention to teach him that, and I had in words, that I knew I hadn't been a very good model of it.  He said that the whole situation did confuse him because he knows me and knows that I would usually be understanding of something like that.  He also said, "You taught me well."

I am so proud of him and so very inspired by his actions.  I am grateful that he put up that mirror and that I looked at it and sat with it and saw the gift in it.  Self-care...I would like to have a self-care practice, to put myself and my dreams as a top of my list priority in my life.  The string of events that helped me to delve deeper into that very subject since that interaction, were amazing.  I'm taking steps.  I love the beautiful, sometimes seemingly random but not truly random, string of moments that lead us to exactly where we are supposed to be or to exactly what we need to grow through.  My son is amazing and I am grateful for the journey we've have been able to embark upon together.  And it felt good to see that he does listen, he is learning and he's learning the important stuff, and teaching me important stuff as well.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Navigating, sometimes clumsily, through resistance...

 It's a quiet and peaceful Saturday morning here in Tennessee.  I'm sipping tea outside as the sun slips up over the mountain and warms the air a bit.  It's a chilly 44 degrees as I sit here "pondering my thoughts," as my 14 year old son would say.  Being that the high for the last couple of days has been in the low 40's, and that it's supposed to be 66 degrees today, I'll take the morning chill.

It's been an interesting week full of navigation through resistance, sprinkled with a little avoidance and self-distraction and a dash of eating for protection.  I've been in the discomfort of just outside of my comfort zone and working through changing my pattern of hiding, which I wrote about here.  For me, resistance is pushing against something, a thought, an intention, a desire, and it comes in many forms.  I also believe that, even though sometimes subconscious in nature, choosing resistance is choosing suffering.  This is the land in which I have been stumbling through this week.

Last weekend I made the trip from Tennessee to North Carolina to visit my family, returning home on Sunday. I was feeling tired from all of the driving in three days and the car trouble on the way home but I was also inspired as I was crafting a post in my head about the symbolism of my journey and the drive there, as well as one on my most recent painting.  I'm in a place of "finding a way" no matter what but I had to listen to my body as I was tired from all the driving in three days and from the car trouble on the way home.

Sunday off was justifiable but I woke up Monday unable to feel the full desire of the posts I wanted to write and the art I wanted to get back to.  Resistance.  And as I mentioned already, that comes with avoidance, distraction, and a bit of eating for protection.  Luckily I catch myself avoiding my artwork and I forced myself to stand at my take and create.  "Forced" seems like a strong word because it wasn't like I was making myself do something I didn't want to do, I wanted to be creative, I needed to be creative.  Yet I was coming up against a wall, finding myself keeping myself from that which I love out of some old outdated pattern of fear and shrinking into the shadows.

So, what did I do?  I talked myself through it.  I reminded myself of where I am at and my intentions to continue to step forward and, "find a way."  I stood at my art table, I touched the supplies that I am currently creating with, allowing their energy to flow through me.  I did some work and then, I walked away.  Little bits of work mixed with avoidance and distraction.  That's what this week has been like.

It wasn't just the artwork that I avoided, it was the writing as well. Monday I wanted to write a blog post about my latest painting, "She knelt in the strength of surrender," to participate in "Sunday Swoon" which Effy Wild hosts on her blog at  It's a great community as well as a great way to share what you are excited about for the week and see what others are celebrating as well.  So the dulled desire was there to write and post and share but, instead, I busied myself with other things.  Tuesday brought more of the same with an added side of finding myself frustrated with the behavior of others.  I knew the reflective surface of my life was trying to show me something.  As I kept asking myself why I was frustrated with the insignificant behavior of others and what it really was pointing to I realized that their behavior was avoidance in nature and it was showing me my own avoidance, which was the real reason I was frustrated.  The frustration was also due to the fact that I wasn't just avoiding, I was resisting what it was I really wanted to do, resisting what I knew was in the interest of my Highest Good.  \

When I am in resistance to, instead of alignment with, and flowing with the call of my Soul and my Highest Good, the result is almost always frustration.  Talking myself through it helped somewhat but what really helped was, as Steven Pressfield says, "putting my ass where my heart wanted to be."  I sat down at my computer Wednesday and typed up the post.  Honestly, it felt forced and it didn't flow well in my opinion.  I thought about starting over.  I thought about forgetting it all together.  "Find a way Tia," I heard in my head.  I couldn't not post it.  I'm not sure where the quote originated from but I am sure of the truth it holds, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."  I had to do something different and break another piece of the pattern off, even if it was uncomfortable and part of me was trying to find a way out.  So, without any editing I just clicked the "publish" button.  Just in time too because the internet went down after that and I couldn't get online for the rest of the day.  And while it is one of my favorite paintings, it is not one of my favorite posts.  But that's okay because I did it and, in this place of discomfort outside of my comfort zone, that is what counts.

The energy of that choice helped the avoidance of my creativity break last night.  Like I said, I did little bits of work here and there but nothing significant.  But last night I worked away on a project and suddenly it was 10:30 at night and I wondered where the time had gone.  I love when that happens.  I love getting lost in the creative process, the excitement and joy over what I am creating, it's an amazing place to be.  I stayed with the energy of it and posted a couple of pictures of what I've been working on over the past week and a half, which you can see to the left.  Again, I managed to stumble and step through the resistance.

Resistance can show up in the form of eating for protection as well.  Even eating to stuff emotions.  Oftentimes when I am uncomfortable I, most of the time subconsciously, reach for something familiar and, in my mind, a.k.a. comfortable.  No matter what the familiarity is, even if it doesn't serve us, even if it is not healthy, there is this false sense of comfort, a pseudo comfort if you will, that comes with that which is familiar to us.  Things are changing, steps are being taken, resistance is being broken off in little pieces, I'm reminding myself to blaze my own trail and find a way no matter what.  With all of this going on there is a part of me that, because of the discomfort, feels unsafe and unsure about things right now.  Enter food as comfort and protection.  Not a lot of food, just slightly more than I am comfortable with.

It's funny because I wrote this in my journal first but as I just typed the last line a new thought popped into my head.  The stomach deals with digestion and mirrors our ability to digest ideas and situations in our life.  Perhaps my eating just a little more than I'm comfortable with mirrors that somewhere deep inside I believe I am overloading myself with change.  Some small part of me, a part that lacks faith and that feels I am taking on too much change at once, is subconsciously taking in too much food to mirror my discomfort by making myself uncomfortable and "taking in too much at once."  That makes a lot of sense.

There's also the issue of safety.  We find ways to pad ourselves with protection and oftentimes that is in the form of food.  While food can't truly make me feel safe it mirrors an outdated belief that I am not safe and that I need to protect myself from this discomfort, from any emotions of fear or unworthiness that are lingering as an energy pattern within my depths.  I attempt to talk myself through this one but I have found that the deeper the pattern runs, the more effort, the more mindfulness, the more awareness it takes to navigate through it.  Still, it can be changed.  Food cannot protect me from anything, however, allowing the belief that, "I am safe," and, "Everything is working out for my Highest Good," to travel from my head to my heart and take root there, will help to change the feeling of insecurity to one of safety and security.  Bringing mindfulness to the behavior, over and over and over again until that mindfulness turns into action, as well as digging deep once more to see what is at the root of the pattern, are keys to helping it heal.

It flowed better today.  It felt better today.  Sometimes stumbling, sometimes baby steps, sometimes two steps forward and one step back BUT steps nonetheless.  Piece by sometimes tiny piece the resistance is breaking apart and I am making my way through it.  I'm doing things I haven't done before so it's bound to be uncomfortable and I know that one day it will be my new go to behavior and it won't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

May you be blessed with love and light,

Thursday, November 14, 2013

She knelt in the strength of surrender...

"She knelt in the strength of surrender..."
"She stood at the place
Where all paths crossed,
Her feet gently resting on the Earth Mother,
The Mother's energy flowing beautifully through her body.
She knelt
In the strength of surrender,
head tilted toward the sky,
she opened to it ALL.
In that moment she chose
To be a path MAKER,
not a path follower.
To blaze her own trail.
She trusted a way would be made.
Quietly she knelt,
Arms outstretched in glorious receipt,
Resistance flowing UP and OUT of her.
A whisper carried on the breeze,
Gentle in her ear,
"Follow us,"
Said her heart and Soul,
And she knew they would show her the way
That only she could GROW"

~ Tia C. Wahl ~

Over the past year or so I have noticed that the artwork I do, unless it is specifically created for someone, seems to have a message for me.  I've come to believe it is how my heart and Soul speak to me, through the quiet, and not so quiet, whispers of my painting.  

This painting is me.  I even posed in a picture for the figure in the painting because I couldn't find a picture of someone in that pose.  This is where I am at, navigating my way through the strength of surrender.  Working toward opening up and listening to my heart and Soul on a more regular basis.  Sometimes I listen, sometimes I do not.  Always my intent is to listen but always is not the pattern of my listening.  So here I am, at the place where all paths cross, kneeling in the strength of surrender, letting go of resistance, opening up to the All of it and listening to the whispers.  

This painting is a deeply personal work of art as well as one that is a bit outside of my usual style.  It's beginnings were a little familiar as I started it off by writing on the canvas in charcoal pencil.  I kept thinking about blazing my own trail, listening to my heart and Soul instead of the "good opinion" of others.  Those ideas were the topic of the writing on the canvas.  Then I covered it in gesso, just enough to blend it all together, but not so much that you could no longer see the writing.

I wish I had taken more in progress pictures but I got so wrapped up in the joy of creation that I forgot.  But here are a few...

There were places along the way in the process of this painting in which I did not like it.  At the point of this place on the left, I thought about painting it over and starting again.  One of the many things I've learned through the creative process is how important it is to stick with it, even if I'm not really liking it.  I'm glad I continued to go with the flow of this painting because I really love how it depicts where I'm at, in a very colorfully beautiful way.

I can't remember which came first, the poem or the idea for the painting and I suppose it's not important.  I hesitated to add it because I like for my work to tell it's own story as I know that the message someone else receives from it might be very different from what I intended.  However, the poem called to be written on the painting, the story begged to be told and in doing so it tied the whole piece together.

So I continue navigating, sometimes stumbling, sometimes resisting, and sometimes gracefully flowing through this place I am in.  Gratefully.  Listening.  Working toward following what I hear my heart and Soul say.  To the best of my abilities.  One artful step at a time.


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Familiar patterns and allowing myself to bask in the glow...

"By observing our patterns of behavior, the ones that do not serve us and do not lead us where we desire to go, by going deep into them, we can discover the truth of Who we have been claiming to be and, with some effort, we can take hold of those patterns and, in the healing of them, allow them to lead us to Who We Really Are."  -Tia C. Wahl

One of the truths I shared in one of my latest posts here is that I have been hiding.  I haven't been blogging and I haven't been sharing any art.  It felt good to climb out of the cave, to share those truths and to share the artwork that I have been up to recently.  The feedback I received made my heart swell.  I am so very appreciative of all of the people who took the time to look, to like, to read, and to comment.

I have shared artwork in the past and I have always received beautiful feedback, which I appreciate.  While I appreciate it I do not allow myself to be in the moment with it, I do not allow myself to soften into it, to really take it in and appreciate, with every cell in my being, what has been said, or to bask in the truth of it all.  Yes, it puts a smile on my face.  Yes, it fills my heart with gratitude.  However, the pattern seems to be that, after I share and receive positive feedback, I tend to hide.  "Tend" to, that's funny, let's be honest here, I do hide.  It's a pattern that I have been digging into for quite some time.

For the past few days I have been working on an art piece and I have had ideas of blog posts and I have been feeling great about sharing again.  This morning I woke up feeling different.  As I sat here reading my e-mails, I was not feeling the desire to continue on with my painting or start any of the other creative projects I have received inspiration for.  I knew to be on the look out for it, and here it was.  "I'm feeling the need to withdraw and hide again," I thought.  Hmmm, so what does one do when they are feeling the need to hide?  They do the opposite.  I had a couple pictures of jewelry I've made over the past few months so I posted them on Facebook and got started on this post.  And then I took a shower.  And then I went to the store.  I wrote some more and then decided to check my e-mail again and watch some artist videos.

Awareness can be a beautiful thing as it helps me to recognize patterns, figure out what the triggers are, dig out where they came from and, eventually, do something different.  While I recognize that I am doing something different it feels as if I am...what's the word...I feel like I am walking through two feet of snow.  You know how, when you walk through really deep snow it takes effort to make each step?  That's how it feels.  I write, then I distract myself, I pull myself back, I allow myself to be pulled away, I come back again.  I keep coming back to write because I know that the key to breaking the pattern is to do something different than I have in the past.  And that takes effort because it is unfamiliar.  I am used to distracting myself and giving in to that, I am not used to corralling myself back.  But today I am putting in the effort because I want a different outcome.  I've chosen to find a way to build and live my dreams and hiding does not serve that intention.

And honestly, what am I really afraid of anyway?  What is there to hide from?  As I was pondering this thought in the shower I realized that at that moment, and in this one, I can not remember what it is I am afraid of.  I can not remember what the fear is that has caused me to run back to the shadows for so many years.  In this moment I feel brave and determined.  I almost had to laugh at myself, out of love, because I can not remember the driving force of this subconscious pattern of behavior.  And in this moment it doesn't matter because I am choosing to be fearless.  I feel the fear, I don't know what the fear is but I do feel it and I am choosing to take forward steps anyway.  I make no guarantee for future moments because I know that there is a possibility I will fall back in the fear, two steps forward and one step back, BUT there is also the possibility that I will continue to take the steps while feeling the fear.  And that is where my intention is being placed, on the possibility of continuing forward steps and in the knowing that if I do take a step backward, I'll grow from it and continue on again.

Is it comfortable?  Hell no.  Neale Donald Walsch said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  I agree with that wholeheartedly.  It's not always comfortable to break patterns but what is the alternative?  If I don't do something different than I will continue to stay where I am right now, never growing, transforming or moving forward.  The art piece I am working on right now is not my usual style and a bit out of my comfort zone because of it.  I almost painted over it because I didn't like it, it didn't look like the art I usually create.  But do I honestly want to continue to create the art I usually create?  There's no growth there, no learning that, no potential for newer and greater works to be born.  So I stuck with it and, while it's not finished yet, I am loving it now.  Still a tiny bit uncomfortable but also loving it.

What's funny is that the piece of art that I did for my son's birthday was not at all my style, it was Japanese anime.  It was outside of my comfort zone, big time, but I never thought about that and certainly did not allow that to stop me.  My driving force was my passion for creating something for my son, in the knowing that my he would love it, in the fact that I could feel how much he'd like it and how much it would mean to him.  Perhaps that is the key here, or in any situation in which being outside of one's comfort zone causes hesitation to remember your passion for what you are doing and allow it to be your driving force.  Maybe it isn't passion you're feeling but whatever it is let that, and not the fear, be the driving force.

It bears repeating, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

May you be blessed with light, love, and healing,

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Finally, some art...

"be witching"
I posted these on my Facebook page but before that, I haven't shared, or created, much art in a while.  I've been hiding a bit, reeling from all of the changes that have taken place in my life this year, including a, quite seemingly sudden, move from Florida to Tennessee.

The witch in me LOVES Halloween, it is my favorite holiday.  Something about the colors, the decorations, the images, I just love it!  And I loved it before my son was due and born on that day.  As much as I love it, this is the first year I have created any Halloween art.  I started off making this one, "be witching" for a dear friend of mine.  I loved it so much that I had to make two more!  They were SO much fun to create.

Usually I create things with a purpose and a message.  It's important for me to create pieces with meaning.  These pieces don't have the meaning that my usual work does but they were created with love, light, healing energy and, I believe, a message to embrace who you are.  I'm not sure everyone will get that, but I do.
"witchy woman"

I made a cauldron for "witchy woman" with foil, tissue paper and paint.  I wanted it to be my favorite because of the title, which just so happens to be one of my favorite songs, and because of how freakin cool the cauldron is but, I had to admit that this is  not my favorite.  Not that I don't love it, because I do, but it was a forced favorite.  "Spellbound" is my true favorite.  I love the colors, the papers, the images, the freakin cool is that broom!?

One more piece of Halloween art is a gift I made for my friend,s daughter.  While I'd like to gravitate to faces that show more emotion and expression, I really do love how she turned out.  I love the purple face, the colors, and how I was able to channel who my friend's daughter is and translate it into this piece of art.  She is unnamed but beautiful.

I have to say that, after all the heavy I wrote about here, it feels good to just display my art and take joy in the process and release of having created it.  I will definitely be making more Halloween art in the future as it is SO much fun!!!

May you be blessed with love, light, healing, and the magic of holiday seasons,

Friday, November 1, 2013

Some brutal honesty while working my way out of my self constructed cave of shame...

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek."
Joseph Campbell 

It's been almost six months to the day since I posted here.  I've written plenty of blog posts in my journal during that time, and that's where they stayed.  It's been an interesting six months filled with change, challenges, transformation, beauty, and cave dwelling.  I love this quote by Joseph Campbell as there is such truth and beauty in it.  It also reminds me of something I say, "The only way out is through the door marked in."  The only way out of the darkness, the emotions, the anything, is through the door into them.  There is treasure there and I am still growing toward it.  A little brutal self honesty is an important step toward climbing out.  Not the kind of honestly where people tell you that they don't like your hair, your significant other or any other rude remark they hide behind with, "I'm just brutally honest."  Also not the kind in which you say a bunch of negative judgmental things about yourself.  I'm talking about the kind of honesty in which you look at yourself and the reflective surface of your life and assess where you are, what you are truly feeling and avoiding feeling, and if your behaviors are serving you.  Without judgement.  With compassion, kindness, and love.  With the intention to heal.  While honoring where you are at.  

Here are my results of doing just that, in an effort to heal.  I must warn you, this is a long post.

Written October 27th, 2013

Dr. Brene Brown defines shame as, "the intensely painful feeling of being unworthy of love and connection.  She also says, "shame grows exponentially in secret and judgement..." and, "cannot survive being told."

In secret, shame wears many disguises.  We feel shame over things we've done, things that were done to us, and we worry, sometimes without even realizing it, what others will think of us because of it all.  I choose to heal it.  In an effort to heal the shame and, hopefully, to inspire others to do the same, some truth telling is in order.

*  I was writing a blog post in my journal a couple of weeks ago, one that I never posted, and I had to call "bullshit" on myself.  I've talked a little about the "freight train that went through my life, about the "storm," but I never actually said what it was.  The truth is...that I used those phrases to disguise what really happened.  Why?  Because, the truth is, I am ashamed of what happened, embarrassed by what happened.  Normally I don't care what other people think but in this cases I found myself thinking, "what will people think?"  Yes, I told some close friends but, for the most part, I have kept it to myself.  The truth is, this is the short version of what happened:  Once upon a time we were happily in love, happy to be in love.  We both said there was not another person out there for us.  There was mutual love, respect, communication...the whole healthy list of it.  We were planning our future, planning on moving in together.  He was the first person I had been in a relationship with in which I allowed myself to feel his love for me, so I felt that it was real and, because of that, I felt secure.  I trusted in him and his love for me more than anything.  And yes, later I would realize that that was a problem.  One day in October 2012 I sent him a message saying that I loved and missed him.  I received a message back telling me that something had happened and he wasn't himself.  He wasn't ready to talk about it.  He needed time and was asking everyone to be patient.  This was the beginning of the end.  In November I finally heard what happened.  It had to do with his son, his life was shaken, he needed time to heal and put us, "on hold for now."  In December I met him with some of his favorite t-shirts.  All I could feel in his energy was black.  He was drained.  He didn't have time for a relationship.  I asked him if I should wait for him, a heartfelt, "if you can?" was his response.  He asked me to hold on to the rest of his stuff.  I gave him time and space.  In February 2013 I went to his Facebook page because I missed him and wanted to see his face.  I was greeted by a picture of him and a girl he called his fiancee.  The ground dropped out from beneath me.  I tried to get a hold of him, nothing.  The next day I received a text, not a call, a text message explaining that, to have joint custody of his son, he needed to break ties.  Because of a minor record I have from April 2009, a misdemeanor driving on a suspended license and a misdemeanor paraphernalia charge, which he knew about.  And as a side note, not that I hide it here, I have been clean and sober for close to 4 1/2 years now.  He said he did still love me.  He should have told, me he said, and called himself a name for not telling me.  I answered back that there were hoops I could jump through, drug tests I could take, affidavits of character I could provide and that none of what he said explained the fiancee.  And that was it.  No other explanation, no closure, nothing.  Oh, except for telling me to throw away his things because I didn't want him picking them up the day he wanted to because my son would have been home alone and this hurt my son as well.  Other than that, nothing.  So there's the truth of that.    

*The truth is that I am ashamed of what he did to me.  The truth is that the shame pisses me off.  I did not do anything wrong so how do I feel shame.  But it's there which means it needs to be honored to be healed.  The truth is that while I thought I was at peace with who I was, because it has helped me become a much brighter much better version of myself, maybe I'm not as at peace with it as I thought.  Maybe deep down I still hold shame for my past, my addiction.  Maybe I feel that that part of my story makes me unworthy of the love I had.  And yes, I know better, but that doesn't always matter if what you know hasn't yet taken its trip from your head to your heart.  More exploring needs to happen here.

*The truth is, it still hurts.  And I don't want it to anymore.

*The truth is, subconsciously I decided that I was done with the broken heart "stuff."  I felt the pain, I processed some of it, I was semi-vulnerable as I wrote about the pain but not what actually happened.  I walked through it, I kept getting up, I arted it out and I was done.  End of story.

*The truth is, that all I did was put up a damn to keep it all back.  The truth is, I glossed over how I really felt with how I wanted to feel.  Example:  I wrote about how it felt like I lost something but that I knew that what's mine cannot go past me ad if it was meant to be, it would be.  And I truly in my head, believe that.  But I didn't feel that.  I didn't set the intention and work through the process of it moving from my head, where I "knew" it, to my heart where I could "feel" it.

*The truth is that I teach and share the process and the importance of it and here I was, skipping it again.  The truth is, I'm ashamed of that.

*The truth is, while I may be a recovering perfectionist, it continues to rear its head as I wanted to walk through this process, this healing my shattered heart, perfectly.  And yes, I know better than to "should" all over myself.  I'm ashamed that I haven't been walking through it like I "should" and that I continue to "should" on myself.

*The truth is, I am way too hard on myself.  I often hold myself to impossible standards that I can't possibly meet, standards that I wouldn't hold anyone else to.  The truth is, this causes me a great deal of self inflicted frustration.  The truth is, I'm not as compassionate with myself as I am with others and, while it doesn't show in my self talk because I don't say bad things about myself, it does show in the "shoulds."  Sometimes it's as if there is this silent energy attack I impose upon myself; I don't hear it in my head, but I feel it.

*The truth is, I have a lot of anger about what he did, and, I feel, a lot of anger about a lot of things that I have yet to work through.  The truth is, anger and I have a complicated relationship.  The truth is, I don't like anger and I'd rather not feel it.  In my head I know that it is a natural emotion and that it can teach me a lot  However, growing up, anger was directed at me, anger made me feel like I did things wrong, like I was wrong, like I was a burden.  I recognize that those statements are part of an old story, one that isn't true and one that o longer serves me.  Yet still, I find myself projecting it on to the behaviors of others.  It's easier for me to be mad about some small insignificant thing that someone else does than to look at and deal with the real reasons I'm angry.  The truth is that I'm also angry with myself for things that aren't my fault.  The truth is that that pisses me off too.

*The truth is, lately, I am one giant ball of frustration and anger.  And, the truth is that, luckily, I know that I can change and heal that, which is part of the reason I'm doing this.

*The truth is, one of my main coping mechanisms is disconnection.  I unplug, throw up a wall, and hide behind it.  The truth is, I've gotten better at recognizing it but I don't recognize it as quickly as I'd like.  And, the truth is, I am ashamed of that as well.  Why?  Once again, the impossible standards and the "shoulding" on myself.  The truth is, I can feel that I've disconnected from myself, my Source, my Soul, Life, the Universe, and Mother Earth, as well as the people in my life.  The truth is, I've also disconnected from my Dreams.  The truth is, I can't feel the passion I have for my Dreams right now.  The truth is, that breaks my heart.

*The truth is, I am ashamed that I have allowed what he's done to have this effect on me.  The truth is, I have been holding myself hostage with the shame of it, the hurt of it, the disappointment of it, the fear similar pain in other areas of my life.  The truth is, I have been holding myself hostage with the fears, self-limiting beliefs and with the past.  All things I write about NOT doing.  The truth is, even though I know and believe those things, my trouble living them right now makes me feel like a fraud.  Like I am unworthy of sharing the wisdom because right now I'm not living what I know, and that causes me to hide and not share.  The truth is, I know these things and believe these things and it is my intent to live the, as I have up until this point, and my journey through them will help others.  It makes me real, not unworthy.  That is the truth.

*The truth is, sometimes I am a vast contradiction within myself and teeter between the knowing in my head and figuring out how to live in that knowing.

*The truth is, I am far too talented to sit here and play the, "I'm not worthy I need to hide" game.  I'm far too talented to be in this position I am in right now.  That is not conceit, that is recognition of my gifts and talents.  And it's sometimes difficult for me to remember that it isn't about me, it's about using my unique gifts and talents to be of service, to share my life and experiences in order to help others.  I am ashamed that I am not using my unique creative talents and abilities in service right now in the way I know I am here to do.  I've spiraled up around to the "I'm not worthy" wound so many times that I feel like I "should" be living the "I am worthy and I feel it" truth right now instead of still trying to dig myself out of the "I am not worthy" energy rap that I clung to so many years ago.  The truth is, I am grateful tat I at least know that I am worthy in my head and I know that as long as I continue to set the intention for that truth to make it's way from my head to my heart that the how will be revealed and that truth will reach its destination.

*The truth is, I'm having a hard time accepting where I am right now.  I understand that in choosing to resist it, I am choosing to suffer.  I'm not out right saying, "Hey Life, I refuse to accept what is right now.  So there!"  But I am struggling with accepting how things have played out.  Which means that, truthfully, I haven't completely let go.  In that reflective surface of my life I see that what that means is that there are still emotions tied to the event that I have yet to process.  Which leads to another truth, I am having trouble forgiving certain people and the truth is that I am ashamed of that.  Forgiveness is important because it sets me free.  The truth is, as I just said, this tells me there are emotions to be dealt with and, again, as long as I feel them and process them, I will let go and will come to a place of forgiveness.

*Another truth is, tied to the above, I'm having a difficult time with faith, with trusting that this heartbreak is for my Highest Good.  When he sent me the text putting things on hold, it was 11/11/12 at 7:11am.  The 11's were not lost on me, they mean what was happening was for my Highest Good.  What's interesting is that I've lived and walked through plenty of painful experiences and I can see that they were in the interest of my Highest Good, even being molested as a child.  I have seen the gifts, blessings, and opportunities in the challenges of my life.  But this?  I'm struggling with the fact that this is for my Highest Good.  Again, in my head I know it must be, it is a belief I have that resonates as truth for me but it as yet to make the journey to my heart.  The truth is, I am hopeful that processing it all, feeling and healing it all will lead me to that place.  Do you sense a pattern here?  I do.

*The truth is, I have been a little judgmental lately which reflects how I've been judging myself.

*The truth is, I have stepped away from practices that I loved and were important such as, setting positive intentions for the day, choosing to be love, choosing to be of service to myself and others, choosing to see the gifts, blessings and opportunities in everything, choosing to be grateful for all of it.  The truth is, while I know this has its purpose, I miss the girl I was before I let this take a toll on me.  I miss my determination, I miss the go with the flow mostly happy twirling around for the sheer joy of it girl.  Once again, the truth is that healing the emotions is the key and I can choose to do that.

*The truth is, my Soul has been urging me, calling me forward, and the truth is that I have resisted that.  That has led to the truth being that I am tired.  I'm tired of being a giant ball of frustration and resistance.  I'm tired of "failing to launch."  I'm tired of this cave I've been hiding in.  I'm tired of hiding.  And the greatest truth of all is that I HAVE THE POWER TO DO THINGS AND MAKE CHOICES TO CHANGE THAT.  

*The truth is, I thought he took things from me, pieces of who I was like my hope, my sparkle, when in truth, I only allowed myself to believe he did and instead tucked them away for protection.  

*The truth is, I am grateful for the growth and transformation in my life because that means that I have awareness enough to recognize these truths.  I am grateful that I know to look at the reflective surface of my life to see what I'm creating, although it may take me a while to truly look at the reflection.

*The truth is, while I don't completely feel it, I know to be grateful for what I am walking through because I know it will propel me forward.  If I practice being open to the gratitude, and setting that intention, I will feel it one day.

*The truth is, I still believe there is beauty in the breathe of this moment.  Even if I don't feel it, again, I know that if I remain open to seeing it, my eyes will clear to the vision of it.

*The truth is, I'm grateful for the roof over my head, the bed I sleep in, the food I eat, and the friends who provide it.  I'm grateful for all of the people in my life who I love and care about and who truly love and care about me.

*The truth is, I know I'll be okay.  "This, too, shall pass."  As I've said, I know I'll turn these flames, that at times feel like destruction, into flames of transformation and growth, emerging from them a truer, more beautiful version of Who I Really Am.  I just need to remember that.

*The truth is, this has been very helpful and very healing.  I feel like it has helped shake up the energy inside of me that been stagnant for too long.  The truth is, being honest with myself about where I am at is hugely important.  And a truth that bears repeating is the reminder that I have the power, the power to let go, the power to choose acceptance, the power of choice in general.  I have the power to make decisions that serve me.  The power to identify what I'm feeling and to actually FEEL it.  I have the power to heal.  I have the power to take forward steps.  I can hold myself hostage with the past, with what was done, or I can be empowered and remove the shackles and step in to Who I Am and Who I Am Becoming.

*Note:  It's been less than a week since I wrote this in my journal and the "stuck" energy I was feeling has loosened up a great day.  I feel so much better just having written it.
Thank you for witnessing my journey.

May you be blessed with love, light, and healing,

Thursday, May 2, 2013

let her cry...let her heal

She's been a work in progress.  She sat on my work board, on the floor, for weeks, looking up at me everyday with her quivering lips and her sad, pain filled eyes.  She called to me, told me her title with the lyrics from the song, "Let Her Cry," by Hootie and the Blowfish.  "Let her cry, let her tears fall down like rain.  Let her sing, if it eases all her pain.  Let her go..."  Patiently she waited as I painted her hair but wasn't feeling it and painted over all but her face.  She waited while I painted, resisted, painted and resisted some more.  She sat for a week or so as I enveloped myself in a state of semi-solitude, disconnecting from some, connection to others, and all the while avoiding the healing release of emotions she was to serve as.  Her patience paid off as finished her up over the last two days.

Sometimes it's interesting the things I "get" and the related things that I miss.  I am well aware of the healing affects of creativity.  I've experienced it firsthand.  I have drafts of classes I plan on teaching that use creativity and spirituality to heal.  I've taken a couple of classes myself that use creativity to heal.  The painting I pictured and wrote about in, The Healing Journey of a Painting..., is a prime example of my using creativity to shift my internal energy and heal my internal world.  Yet, somehow I missed a very important piece of the creativity as healing puzzle.  That being emotional release through the creative process.  I've experienced the release of frustration when painting, but still I missed it.  I've experienced the pure joy and euphoria of painting when I was having a not so great day, and missed it.  I've written poetry that helped my hurting heart, and still I missed it.  So I should have seen it but I didn't, I just wasn't ready for it yet.  We "get" things in the exact timing we are supposed to, when we are ready to truly start to "get" and understand something.  All the experiences we've had in which we think we missed something and should have seen something or made a connection, were merely seeds being planted that would one day help us to make the realizations in the moment we are ready to make them.    So seeds were planted as I missed how, when I turn solely to people for that emotional release, I disconnect from my creativity.  More seeds were planted as I missed out on the beauty that comes with channeling raw emotion into a creative project.

And when that finally clicked, the seeds grew into her.  She came from a place of sadness, loss, pain, and betrayal, in their rawest forms, just to name a few of the emotions she was birthed from.  She was born out of a need to channel all of those emotions in a healthy healing way.  And in doing so, she came forth from the page with more emotion than anything I've ever created.  Her face stared up at me and I could see her lips tremble and tears well up in her eyes.  She had, and has, a movement of emotion I've never before experienced in one of my creations.  While she looks so very sad, there is this beauty in her sadness that helps to remind me of what I have said numerous times, that even among the shattered pieces, there is beauty in the breath of this moment.  And as her heart explodes into tiny pieces, some falling away as they are no longer necessary, still others change into the beauty of butterflies.  While I would stay away from butterflies because of their blatant transformation symbolism, I felt the necessity of them.

She is me in every way, guiding me on how to heal while showing me that I am.  She is my hurt, my pain, my loss.  She is my blood stained tears.  She is my shattered heart.  She is my hope, my faith, my empowerment.  She is me doing what I do, taking events that appear to be destructive and turning them into growth and healing, emerging a truer more beautiful version of Who I Really Am.  She is my transformation.  She is me healing.  And she is a reminder of the powerful and healing affect of using creativity as a healthy and healing emotional release.

With love and light,

Monday, April 8, 2013

Loss, Shock, Wallowing, and a change in Perspective...

April 4th, 2013

It occurred to me today that, while I say that I know this situation has happened for my Highest Good, I don't yet feel it.  I still feel the loss of of it and since I feel like I lost something so I could move forward with my purpose, I fear there may be more to lose.  If the belief that it is for my Highest Good had truly taken root, I'd no longer feel it was a loss, and I would trust in it.  The belief needs to be rooted and I haven't yet given it the time it needs to grab hold within me.  As I affirm that it is for my Highest Good, even when I don't feel it, I am given the opportunity to see the gap between what I truly believe and what I affirm.  Awareness helps those affirmations and intentions to grow stronger, to spread their roots and take hold within me.

While loss is how I feel, it is not how I choose to perceive the situation.  Loss implies powerlessness and victim hood.  I am one with the Power that created me, I am standing in my own Power, and I am a survivor and a thrivor.  If I choose to cling to this idea that I've lost something then dis-empowerment moves in and fear takes hold, co-creating more situations in which I feel a loss of personal power and in which I feel victimized.  No thank you.

Empowerment and re-claiming my power are themes that have run throughout the course of my life.  Life presented me with reminders of Who I Really Was, in the form of Who I Was Not.  I chose to cling to Who I Was Not and walked away from childhood, which included numerous dis-empowering events, with the perception that I had no power.  I believed that anyone could take it from me and that it was better to just give it away.  Sometimes it is necessary to be Who You Are Not so that you can have the experience of it and decide, by inspired action, Who You Wish to Really Be.

I had to choose to wallow in it for a day or so to remember Who I Really Am.  I had to wallow in it, let the thoughts scamper around in my head, so that I could light the spark and choose Who I Really Wish to Be.  Each moment, each choice, has it's purpose.  While someone might observe a choice someone else makes and think it wrong, they don't realize that that choice they witnessed might just be the choice that person needed to make to change, grow, heal, and/or transform.  Sometimes you think you've taken a step in the wrong direction, until you realize that you needed to take that step to even know it wasn't what best served you, and perhaps for you to see what would better serve you.  For some reason I feel like this isn't flowing today.  My point is that, while some might think that the choice to wallow, even if it doesn't feel like I'm choosing it I know I am, is unhealthy.  And I would tend to agree if a person, namely me, stayed there.  But it was the choice I needed to make to remember that that is not me, and instead to choose to grow forward.

I was in shock on Sunday, after facing the wreckage, and that shock helped me to rise above it.  But, little by little the shock wore off leaving me with a Tuesday off in which I wallowed in it.  Tuesday I cleaned my house and while I did I wallowed in the emotion of it, in the imaginary conversations of it, in the "how could you's" of it.  I got sick of it, I so desperately wanted to just let go of ALL of it.  Just let go, surrender, carry on.  I make that choice every day but some days I am aware that, while I am affirming and intending to let go, I am grasping on tightly.  At the risk of being repetitive, it's a process.  I have found that once you bring awareness to those behaviors, you start to notice them more, which helps to bring healing to them.

So what did I do when I was sick and tired of wallowing, I worked toward making new choices.  What can I do in this moment to let go?  What can I do in this moment to bring myself more peace?  What can I do in this moment to accept where I am?  What can I do in this moment to love me?  What can I do in this moment to be of service to myself and others?  What can I do in this moment to take forward steps towards co-creating my dreams?  Making those choices one time is not enough.  I have to make them over and over and over.  It starts with posing the questions over and over.  As I continue to pose the questions, the energy within me shifts and releases.  Then I have to actually make the choices when I am presented with them, which will shift the energy even more.  I have to allow the questions and intentions time to take root because some of these energy patterns are years worth of deeply rooted.  There are layers of them to peel back and as I do that, and as I set the intentions and dig and process and heal, those intentions will take root.  But it takes time.  And while I usually have an enormous amount of patience, when it comes to healing I do not always.

As I walked away from my writing and let it swirl and dance around inside of me I realized that a shift in perspective would be helpful here.  It's like when I talk about the optical illusion posters.  You strain to see what really lies within the picture and you can't see it.  But, when you relax your eyes and just look forward without trying or grasping to what you think is there, it appears to you.  It can be difficult sometimes for me to remember to do that, to trust in the unfolding of it all.  To trust that when its time, and when I am ready, if my eyes are relaxed, it will be revealed to me.  Sometimes I want so much to just see the purpose, to gain the clarity, to let it go and move on that I get caught in the desperation of it instead of the choosing of it.  Desperation has an energy of noticing that it is not here.  Please, please let me have peace.  Desperation is not choosing, it is noticing the lack of what you wish to choose.  Have faith.  Trust in the process.

"Trust in the process."  It's funny to me, maybe more interesting or some other more appropriate word, that I teach people, guide people on going through the process and I find myself sometimes trying to skip the whole thing.  We teach what we most need to learn right?  I don't try to skip it with all things, there are processes I have been through, but I also can't say how many times I've come to this impatient resisting place of just wanting to know and let it go.  Yet, it's through the process that the digging up of treasure occurs.  It's through the process that I learn what works and share it with others.  It's what gives me the experience from which I write from and guide from.  The process is important.  And having faith in the process, the unfolding of it all, is just as important.  Perhaps I have issues with trusting it.  Perhaps I know that I do.  There is uncertainty in trusting it and sometimes, the not knowing can be a scary place to be.  But if you trust the not knowing, trust the uncertainty, trust Divine guidance, deeply root the belief that everything that happens is for your Highest Good, then the miracles unfold in the most beautifully blessed ways.  I have found, in my own life, that events that have seemed painful, that appeared to tear everything apart, are the events that have brought forth the beauty within me, the treasure as it were.  Four years ago Saturday, April 6th, I was arrested.  I thought my life was ruined.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, depressed, and seriously considered ending it all.  And although it took about 6 weeks for me to start to change my life, I did.  And it became one of the best things that ever happened to me because it brought me to this beautiful, healing, transforming, growing, spiritual, clean and sober place.  And I wouldn't trade it for anything.  And while I do not yet feel that way about recent events in my life, I know that time will come; I choose for it to.

So I work toward being gentle with myself.  Please be gentle with yourself in your healing.  The process will take whatever time it takes, and that's okay.  Patience.  Faith.  Gentleness.  Self-care.  And allowing the new affirmations, intentions, and beliefs the time they need to take root.  One beautiful blessed moment at a time.  And it might not always feel that way.  At least for me it doesn't.  And when those moments hit I remind myself that there's beauty here if I can stay open to it revealing itself to me in the time it's meant to.  I dig, I heal, I bring awareness, and sometimes I wallow because that's exactly where I need to be to change my perspective.  To take off the blindfold.  To relax my eyes and allow it time to appear to me.  And I don't do it perfectly.  This is my path.  This is my unique point of experience.  This is how I use my unique creative talents and abilities to be of service to myself and others.  Herein is where the treasure lies in us all.

Love and Light,

Sunday, March 31, 2013

And later that day...

I've been walking through the wreckage of the freight train fairly well I think.  It hasn't been easy but I am healing, processing, growing forward, forgiving, and letting go to the best of my ability.  I got a little push from someone involved earlier this week and it was exactly what I needed, it landed me just outside the storm, just enough to gain some clarity.  Just enough to be able to let go a little more.  This is what I have been pained by, consumed with?

You just don't know when you are going to be faced with something.  I was at the Circle K near my house, lost in the fabulousness of myself and my birthday.  Walking forward, feeling joy and peace.  As I walked out the door of the store it seemed to happened in slow motion, pulling into the Circle K, faced with the wreckage.  Faced with the ashes.  Faced with the pain of a shot gun blast to the chest, that's what it felt like.  Like I couldn't breathe as I sat there in my truck shaking.  I didn't see that coming.  I didn't expect it in the security of my bubble, my neighborhood, my safe space but there it was.  There were a thousand different choices I could have made in that moment, and all of them were not nice.  All I could do was sit there and feel the ground under my feet, know it was there, even if I couldn't feel it.  I started to reach for the phone, for someone that could talk me through it, but I knew I had to just sit and be with myself in that moment.  I pulled out after I gained composure, the energy and sight of it telling me that I had been seen.

I journeyed on my way to Walmart doing my best to process it all.  Really?  On my birthday?  Down the street from my house?  Did you have to do that?  Yet, I also was painfully aware that the timing and circumstances of it were not at all a coincidence.  I don't believe in coincidences.  There was a purpose for all of it and I had to see it at that time, on this day.  Not that it made the pain go away.  The wound is still pretty fresh but maybe not as hot to the touch.  So the choices boiled down to: wallow in it or rise above it?  Which will it be Tia?  Obviously I decided that I was not going to allow anyone to rain on my parade today, no matter how much it hurt.  I choose to rise above it.  It sneaks into my thoughts and I send it light, love, healing, forgiveness, and I let it go.

Part of the pain lies in my perception that I have "lost" something.  If it were truly mine to have, it couldn't be lost.  Everything is working out for my Highest Good.  True, it doesn't always feel that way and letting go of this whole thing has been a process for sure.  There's no skipping the process here.  There's no skipping from gaping open wound vibrating waves of pain to getting the stitches taken out and being healed.  It does not work that way for me.  I haven't "lost" anything.  There is purpose in this event and in the pain of it.  People flow in and out of our lives, it just is.  That's not a very warm and fuzzy thought but, our attachment to people, places, things, stories, what's "mine," that is where the suffering lies.  And the event itself is merely the reflective surface of my life showing me the spaces within me that will benefit from healing.  Easier said than done, I know.  It's in the setting of that intention, repeating it over and over, healing our "stuff," finding bits of peace, and in letting go that brings us to the fulfillment of that intention.  You do the work and one day you make a choice and realize that you are now living that intention.  I look forward to that day.

For this moment I am doing the best I can, allowing myself to feel the emotion of it, releasing and letting it go, all while basking in the glory of my fabulousness and my special day and of all the plans I have for this year.  This was no accident, I gave the freight train directions, told it where I would be and when.  I am accountable for my co-creations, even when I don't understand the levels from within which they are created.  As I said earlier today, I get to tell the story however I choose, and I choose to tell a story of healing, growth and transformation.  A story of finding the way to take steps to co-create all that I have dreamed about doing.  The story of taking flight and soaring far past the stars.  The story of sharing my gifts with the world and living my purpose.  The story of being connected to my center regardless of any storm that may be brewing either within my midst or directly above me.

I am more than a survivor, I am a thrivor.  And I choose to rise above it.

With love and light,

On Turning 40

Recent events have left me feeling a bit disconnected from my purpose, from my Soul.  I know that I can never truly be disconnected from my Soul, but I can cause myself to feel that way.  And my purpose?  Well, it's intimately woven into the fabric of my Soul so I'm not sure if I can disconnect from it but I can avoid it.  That's not my intention, but sometimes our intentions do not match our actions.

I have been excited about turning 40 this year.  The symbolism of my 40th birthday was lost on me until today, resurrection, rising up out of circumstances, allowing the parts of you that no longer serve you die, exactly where I am at.  Some people thought I was being sarcastic, "Are you really excited or..."  Yes!  I really am!  I have been through my fair share of shit, deep puddles of it that I sometimes threw myself into.  We all have, I don't think anyone makes it through life unscathed.  I have healed so much over the past almost 4 years, and I have pulled out treasures I never dreamed existed.  And I wouldn't have found that treasure had I walked a different path.  I have no regrets about the past 40 years, although I am deeply apologetic for any pain or harm I have caused other people.  Each step, whether in pain, joy, love, loss, or self-torture was necessary for my arrival at this place that I love and am excited about growing into.  Each step has prepared me for my purpose, each step has helped to cultivate aspects within me that will be necessary to grow forward, and I choose to be grateful for each step.  While I don't necessarily feel the full gratitude for everything yet, for each step, I am open to growing into it.

I choose to see how fortunate I am to have gotten clean and sober and to be spending my 40th birthday in sobriety.  I've had friends go back out there and it can be painful to watch.  Yet in that I choose to send them love and to be inspired to continue on my healing path.  I am fortunate that, for me, it was never just about being clean and sober, it was about internal healing. I've seen people who just stay clean and sober, some don't heal, some heal a little and stop and, while they don't pick up, they don't grow forward either.  This is not a judgement, everyone has their own path.  It's about recognizing how truly blessed I am to have made the choice to heal.

My Mom called to wish me a Happy Birthday today and we had a good talk.  Sometimes I can't help but go in to "coaching" and "guiding" mode.  It is so much a part of who I am to help guide and heal, that it just comes out, and this conversation was no different.  I didn't realize how much I needed to it, to be in touch with that part of myself again that I have felt disconnected from.  To feel that passionate energy rise within me, to hear it in my voice.  I've missed that so much.  I hung up, saying to myself I have SO much to share, SO much to say, SO much to offer the world.

That's part of the reason why I am so excited about this next half (or so) of my life.  I have healed SO much of my "story" and I continue to do so as there are still layers I am touching on that I didn't know existed.  As I've said, I have pulled up SO much treasure that's been sitting there collecting dirt and grime throughout the past 40 years, waiting for me to discover and shine healing light on it.  I am coming to this next phase of my life with so much treasure to share, and still so much left to be discovered.  I have gained so much insight and wisdom and I get to take that and live, truly immersed, in the next phase of my life with it.  But I don't wish to keep it all for myself, I wish to share it with the world.  I choose to leave the most beautiful, bright, inspired, healing imprint on the Souls of this world and the only way for me to do that is to share my treasures, even as I am in the process of unearthing them.  Even when they don't look like treasure as they are raw and covered in mud and muck.

I choose to continue to shine that healing light upon myself, and on the world.  When I was talking to my Mom today I told her that I had been watching "Ghost Whisperer" episodes and that I had seen an episode in which there was a memorial and people were saying things about the woman who had passed.  I told her how I was thinking, "what do I want people to say about me" when I pass?  "Tia had so much potential but she never did anything with it."  No!  That is NOT what I want to be said.  If I continue to stay in a place of disconnection, fear, and avoiding my purpose, that is what will be said.  Instead I'd like it to be, "She weathered her storms and pulled through.  She walked through the seemingly destructive fires and turned them in to flames of transformation, healing, and growth.  She was a beautiful bright healing light on this world.  She shared her process of uncovering treasure, she helped people uncover and re-discover who they really are.  She spread her wings and she soared past the stars."  I could go on and on because this vision that I have encompasses so many things, so many dreams, so much I choose to share, and I plan on doing them all.

Yes, there is some fear in doing all of that, in putting myself out there, in trusting in my purpose.  There are energy patterns to uproot, process, and heal along the way.  There is much work to be done.  As I wrote in my journal this morning I felt the infinite energy of possibilities.  I wrote, "Let's just go for it!  I don't have anything to lose."  I choose to feel the fear and DO IT ANYWAY!  I choose to blaze my own trail and shine the healing light of it on the world.

So, as I turn 40 today I am inspired.  I am excited.  I am immersed in the field of magic and possibilities.  "Some day" will not ever come.  The only time we have is now.  I choose to use my unique creative talents and abilities to be of service to myself and others and shine my light into the world.  My Soul pulls at me to do so, communicates with me in the most amazing ways.  This is why I am here.  I may not understand some of the sacrifices and choices made along the way but they do help me to understand just how important my purpose is to my Soul, to me, to others.

Remember, you can tell the story of your life, this moment, your future moments, in whatever way you choose.  Not coincidentally, I've had two conversations with people about that, just today.  If you could tell the story of the rest of your life any way you wanted, if you could strip away all the limits just for a moment, what is the story you would tell?  I have the whole rest of my life to do it any way I want, so do they, so do we all, regardless of what age we are.  What is your Soul pulling at you to do? Have you spent most of your life taking responsibility for others?  Have you spent the majority of your life mothering children?  Have you been lost in the dark thick forest of self-destruction, bringing yourself to healing and transformation?  Where are YOU in your life?  What have you done that YOU wanted to do, that makes YOUR spirit sing, that fills YOU with a sense of passion, purpose and fulfillment?  You do not have to wait for a big birthday to start including yourself in your life.  You do not have to wait until "some day," when the kids are grown, when the bills are paid....the list goes on and on.  The only thing that limits me is the limiting beliefs I have about myself, life, my experiences.  BELIEVE IN POSSIBILITIES.  YOU have purpose, and YOU deserve to live life to the fullest.  I have this conversation with people and they say, "but I can't do that because..."  The truth is you can't do that because you believe in that limit.  And that's all.

I choose to make the best use of whatever time I have left.  I have gifts to offer.  I am blessed with the ability to help people heal in so many ways and it brings me the most amazing sense of fulfillment and purpose.  I choose that.  Why would I tell the Universe any other story other than one of success?  Yes, it takes effort to do that.  You do have to go through the process, as much as I sometimes try to skip it.  But if you hold that vision in your mind, in your energy field, if you bring awareness and the light of healing to the energy patterns that are blocking you by looking at the reflective surface of your life, if you process, heal and let go, if you keep growing forward as best you can in each moment...ANYTHING is possible.  Believe in magic.  Believe in possibilities.  Believe that YOU own the co-creative power to bring it all to you.  Why would you want to tell it any other way?

With love and light,