Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Familiar patterns and allowing myself to bask in the glow...

"By observing our patterns of behavior, the ones that do not serve us and do not lead us where we desire to go, by going deep into them, we can discover the truth of Who we have been claiming to be and, with some effort, we can take hold of those patterns and, in the healing of them, allow them to lead us to Who We Really Are."  -Tia C. Wahl

One of the truths I shared in one of my latest posts here is that I have been hiding.  I haven't been blogging and I haven't been sharing any art.  It felt good to climb out of the cave, to share those truths and to share the artwork that I have been up to recently.  The feedback I received made my heart swell.  I am so very appreciative of all of the people who took the time to look, to like, to read, and to comment.

I have shared artwork in the past and I have always received beautiful feedback, which I appreciate.  While I appreciate it I do not allow myself to be in the moment with it, I do not allow myself to soften into it, to really take it in and appreciate, with every cell in my being, what has been said, or to bask in the truth of it all.  Yes, it puts a smile on my face.  Yes, it fills my heart with gratitude.  However, the pattern seems to be that, after I share and receive positive feedback, I tend to hide.  "Tend" to, that's funny, let's be honest here, I do hide.  It's a pattern that I have been digging into for quite some time.

For the past few days I have been working on an art piece and I have had ideas of blog posts and I have been feeling great about sharing again.  This morning I woke up feeling different.  As I sat here reading my e-mails, I was not feeling the desire to continue on with my painting or start any of the other creative projects I have received inspiration for.  I knew to be on the look out for it, and here it was.  "I'm feeling the need to withdraw and hide again," I thought.  Hmmm, so what does one do when they are feeling the need to hide?  They do the opposite.  I had a couple pictures of jewelry I've made over the past few months so I posted them on Facebook and got started on this post.  And then I took a shower.  And then I went to the store.  I wrote some more and then decided to check my e-mail again and watch some artist videos.

Awareness can be a beautiful thing as it helps me to recognize patterns, figure out what the triggers are, dig out where they came from and, eventually, do something different.  While I recognize that I am doing something different it feels as if I am...what's the word...I feel like I am walking through two feet of snow.  You know how, when you walk through really deep snow it takes effort to make each step?  That's how it feels.  I write, then I distract myself, I pull myself back, I allow myself to be pulled away, I come back again.  I keep coming back to write because I know that the key to breaking the pattern is to do something different than I have in the past.  And that takes effort because it is unfamiliar.  I am used to distracting myself and giving in to that, I am not used to corralling myself back.  But today I am putting in the effort because I want a different outcome.  I've chosen to find a way to build and live my dreams and hiding does not serve that intention.

And honestly, what am I really afraid of anyway?  What is there to hide from?  As I was pondering this thought in the shower I realized that at that moment, and in this one, I can not remember what it is I am afraid of.  I can not remember what the fear is that has caused me to run back to the shadows for so many years.  In this moment I feel brave and determined.  I almost had to laugh at myself, out of love, because I can not remember the driving force of this subconscious pattern of behavior.  And in this moment it doesn't matter because I am choosing to be fearless.  I feel the fear, I don't know what the fear is but I do feel it and I am choosing to take forward steps anyway.  I make no guarantee for future moments because I know that there is a possibility I will fall back in the fear, two steps forward and one step back, BUT there is also the possibility that I will continue to take the steps while feeling the fear.  And that is where my intention is being placed, on the possibility of continuing forward steps and in the knowing that if I do take a step backward, I'll grow from it and continue on again.

Is it comfortable?  Hell no.  Neale Donald Walsch said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."  I agree with that wholeheartedly.  It's not always comfortable to break patterns but what is the alternative?  If I don't do something different than I will continue to stay where I am right now, never growing, transforming or moving forward.  The art piece I am working on right now is not my usual style and a bit out of my comfort zone because of it.  I almost painted over it because I didn't like it, it didn't look like the art I usually create.  But do I honestly want to continue to create the art I usually create?  There's no growth there, no learning that, no potential for newer and greater works to be born.  So I stuck with it and, while it's not finished yet, I am loving it now.  Still a tiny bit uncomfortable but also loving it.

What's funny is that the piece of art that I did for my son's birthday was not at all my style, it was Japanese anime.  It was outside of my comfort zone, big time, but I never thought about that and certainly did not allow that to stop me.  My driving force was my passion for creating something for my son, in the knowing that my he would love it, in the fact that I could feel how much he'd like it and how much it would mean to him.  Perhaps that is the key here, or in any situation in which being outside of one's comfort zone causes hesitation to remember your passion for what you are doing and allow it to be your driving force.  Maybe it isn't passion you're feeling but whatever it is let that, and not the fear, be the driving force.

It bears repeating, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

May you be blessed with light, love, and healing,

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