Day 5: Some works in progess

 I have a confession to make, I am a messy artist.  When I am in the middle of working on a project (or two or three :), my work space explodes into a whirlwind of inspiration and, yes, total chaos.  There's paint, paper towels, colored pencils, oil pastels, glue, everywhere.  I also try to keep an art journal out to clean my brayer, clean up extra paint and to just be there in case I get inspired to create a page.  But...once the project or projects are finished, I do clean up and put things away.  So it's not that bad, right?

Right now I have five paintings I'm in the progress of doing.  They are a series of paintings for the bathroom that my shower curtain, (pictured below), is in.  I haven't started on the fifth yet because I'm waiting to see how the other four paintings want to end so that I can incorporate a version of them all into the final piece.  My hope was to be inspired by the shower curtain, which I absolutely love, but not copy it.

shower curtain by Deviant Art

 I think I started out trying to mimic it too much.  I started with the turquoise colored paintings first and when I first started them, I hated them.  But if I've learned anything within the process of my creativity, it's to stick with the painting through the "ugly and I hate it phase."  I'm so glad I did because as I continued to work with them I started to really love the way they were growing and progressing.

I then moved on to the orange ones and it was a little rough in the beginning of those as well but, same as with the first two, I am really enjoying their progress.  The colors are the same in both of the orange ones but the colors in the second one turned out muted in the picture.

They aren't finished yet, they are calling to me to add more bits and pieces and I am excited to see what they wish to be, especially because I've never done a series of work before.  You never know until you try, I might fall in love with the idea of doing a series and you may see more of them from me.  I'll keep you posted on how these turn out.

With light and love
Tia

Day 4: Empty spaces

We are not meant to fill the empty spaces, the holes, the vast void in others.  We are not the right shape, size, or substance to do so.  Sadly, too many of us walk away from childhood not only not knowing that's what we are doing, but also not knowing that we feel "not enough" because we could not fill those spaces within the influential people of our lives.  That's nobody's fault as people can't teach what they do not know and have not been taught themselves.

Still the issue remains that some of us spend our lives not knowing that a portion of our energy blocks come from feeling like we are not enough.  And if we are aware enough to understand that we feel that way, how many people truly understand that the reason might be that, as children, we could never fill those holes in other people.  If we just did this or that, we would be enough, good enough, worthy of love and positive attention from the people in our environment.  We struggle and strive to be able to do something worthy, something to help them see us for who we are.  But it seems they just don't.  We don't understand that we have handed over responsibility for declaration of our worthiness, of our enoughness, to a vast majority of other people and other situations, all outside of us.  When the truth is that we are the only ones who can truly declare it, as our declaration of it is the only one that matters and that that declaration has to come from the inside out, not the outside in.

I think that, as children, unless we are taught otherwise, it is natural to assess our world and worth based on the responses we get from our environment and the people in it.  I said "natural" to, I did not say it is the healthiest way.  It happens and unless we become aware of it as adults and teach our children that they are the ones who make the declaration of their value and worth, then unfortunately this unhealthy method will continue.  But I digress.     

I originally started the above post on December 31st, 2013.  Often times when I am creating and/or writing and I'm think about what to do or write next, I have to get up and start walking around.  When I got to that point with this post, my thoughts started rapid firing, the anger and resentment swelled up within me and I was ready to get up on my soap box and start wagging my finger in imaginary faces.  It wasn't pretty and it wasn't helpful.  Well, it was helpful to me because it pointed to deep dark places which still were (and some still are) in need of feeling and healing.  But to write a blog post in that state would not have been helpful.  While anger is a natural emotion, there is healthy anger and there is resentful, bitter, pissed off anger.  I didn't feel the later would be all that helpful in the state I was in.

So I let the post sit.  I hibernated with it.  I dug deep into many internal spaces over the winter.  I put it on the back burner and let it slowly simmer, allowing other background parts of me to figure it all out.  The other day my Soul and the Universe whispered some wisdom to me.  "The idea that we have empty spaces is an illusion.  We are not at all empty, we just come to believe we are."  I'm surprised I didn't understand that before because I believe that we are already whole, we are born that way.  Part of the healing journey is traveling back to the space of remembrance in which we knew we were whole and in the realization that we never stopped being whole.

Through the process of life some people come to believe they have empty spaces within themselves, perhaps it's a lack of fulfillment, or painful wounds, something or someone, that has caused them to feel this sense of a void that needs to be filled.  Lacking awareness or simply not knowing better, they search to find something or someone to fill the illusion of that deep dark hole inside of themselves.  We fill our voids with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, you name it.  And sometimes, in our pain, we try to make other people fill up our empty spaces.  Sometimes we try to shape our children into the right size and stuff them into our empty spaces, not realizing that when we do that they wind up feeling like not enough because they can't possible fit into that space.  Not only because, like I said, other people are not the right size, shape, or substance, but also because there is no space to fill.

Trust me, I've felt those empty spaces inside and I know that when I felt them they felt very real, very cold, very hollow.  I searched high and low to find something to fill it up.  I tried filling it up with drugs and all that did was temporarily numb the pain while slowly taking the life out of me.  And while I am grateful for that journey, that journey is filled with a lot of pain and self-loathing.  The only true way to relieve the pain associated with the illusion of emptiness is healing.  The only way out of feeling that way is through the door marked "in."  The door to our inner world, the door that goes into all the pain, hurt and deep dark places that exist within us.  To dig deep into our stories and our perceptions and our beliefs and bring the light of healing to all of that.  And through that healing process we come to realize that we were whole the entire time, we just forgot.  Just like in The Wizard of Oz when the good witch reminds Dorothy that she had the power all along.  And so do we.

Perhaps if we changed our perspective and entertained for a moment the belief that,  no matter how empty, how broken, how lost we may feel, we are in fact brilliantly beautifully whole divine beings.  What if we entertained that thought?  What if we lived our life for just one day from that place?  What if we believed that healing is the answer, the thing that will bring us back to that feeling of wholeness from which we were born?  What if?

With love and light,
Tia

Day 3: Some thoughts on writing

When I was younger, teenager years, I wanted to write stories.  The problem was that, no matter how I tried, I always made myself the main character and the story about whatever it was I was currently dealing with.  I couldn't find a way to blend real life with fiction in a way that felt natural to me.  Then I started writing poetry.  I found a certain kind of freedom within my own freestyle poetry that allowed me to cryptically write about what I was going through without people realizing that was what I was doing.  I found it to be a very therapeutic outlet, and then I started journaling.  The combination of the two provided an emotional release for me and helped me to make sense of what I was feeling and going through.  They still do that for me today.

Writing is something my Soul needs, much like creating art.  Writing and creating art are, as I already stated, an emotional release for me.  They have also helped bring awareness to where I am at and when I notice that I am avoiding my journal and/or my creativity, I know that I am avoiding myself and that I am disconnected.  I have realized that, while once upon a time I wanted to write fiction, my unique perspective, the one that I feel allows me to best be of service to myself and others, is writing where I am at and what I am currently navigating through.  It's a natural gift for me and the more I embrace that gift, the less I have the desire to write fiction.

My main desire is to use my unique creative talents and abilities, the ones I know of and the ones that have yet to surface, to be of service to myself and others.  When I write a blog post about navigating my inner world, it helps me in that it gives me the opportunity to be vulnerability and, it is my hope, that it helps someone somewhere who might be facing something similar.  I suppose that's why it bothers me that I go for long periods without writing because I know that I have gifts to share with the world and it does not serve me or anyone else when I let those gifts sit quietly inside of me.

It gives me a sense of fulfillment to share my story and it fills my heart when someone reads it and lets me know that it helped them.  That is one of the main reasons I decided to commit to this Blog Along, to be of service to myself and others.  To give myself the opportunity to be vulnerable and stay in the light after I have done so, instead of running and hiding and watching from the shadows to see how it is received.  Because, when I write from my Soul and am in the zone, it flows so effortlessly and beautifully and I love how that feels.  Because I believe that part of the reason that I have endured the challenges I have is because I am supposed to use the experience and wisdom gained from those experiences to help other people.  I feel the pain of others and it pains me deeply to see and hear of people hurting.  I am passionate about people healing the wounds deep within them, rediscovering their own empowerment and innate wholeness, and creating the life they've only dreamed of.  That is something I feel very strongly within my Soul that I am here to do and this is one of the platforms I can share those gifts with.  My artwork is another.

This is about more than making a public declaration and commitment to blog for 30 days in a row, it is also a declaration to the Universe and my Soul that this is important.  That I am committed to helping myself and helping others.  This is me taking a step towards my dreams.  Of letting myself know that this is important to me and come hell or high water I am going to write and share for the remainder of these 30 days while sending love, light and healing to any who wish to receive it.  This is a message to myself that what I have to say is of value.  This is out of love for me and the world.
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So while I did face a heap of resistance today, I wrote anyway.  Stephen Pressfield says, "Put your ass where your heart wants to be."  So I put my ass at my work table and created some art and then in front of the computer and wrote.  All in all a good day.

With love and light,
Tia

Day 2: Order from Chaos

I had a brand new Fabriano journal resting patiently on my work space, just waiting for me to caress it with paint, for at least a few weeks.  Every day I would look at it, feel the paper, and pass it by.  One day I took a quick trip to Michael's for some pens and discovered that they had Gelatos!!!  I have been wanting Gelatos for quite some time and was SUPER excited to get some.

Armed with my Gelatos, new stamps, pens, and a new stencil, I began to play.  The picture is a little fuzzy, had I realized that I would have taken another one before I put on the finishing touches.  To give you an idea of how slow I am with the Art Journaling process, I started this before March 21st and just finished it tonight.  I know, it's bad.

I wasn't sure I even liked it to be quite honest.  It's not at all my usual style.  As I looked at it I kept thinking it looked like chaos.  Then the phrase: "From chaos comes order," came into my head.  It danced and twirled around and before I knew it, the following poem was born:

From the chaos comes order

From that which challenges us

Tries us

Seemingly breaks and buries us

Comes the courage, strength, wisdom and heart with which we uncover our truths, uncover treasure

Discover and step into our true selves

From the chaos comes order

From that which drags us down, breaks our heart and feels as if it's torn us apart

From the hurt and the pain and the fear and the doubt

We rise

Ever moving forward

Determined

From the chaos of our tear stained faces and blood streaked bodies

We rise

From the chaos comes order

From the chaos comes wisdom

From the chaos comes truth

In the chaos we find our voice, our power, our dreams

We are birthed from the chaos into the truth of Who We Really Are

I'm still not sure how I feel about the page, probably because it is different than what I normally create.  It is outside of my comfort zone which is why I am sharing it anyway because, as Neale Donald Walsch says, "Life begins outside of your comfort zone."  And I am determined to take steps that take me outside of my comfort zone because that's where my dreams are.

Although I am unsure of the page, what I am sure of is the message of the words that came to me.  It is within the challenges, the darkness, the pain that we become more of Who We Really Are.  It is within the chaos that we find our treasure, if we choose to be open to seeing it.  Some of the most difficult times in my life have later brought me so many gifts, so much wisdom and, although they were quite painful and challenging, I am grateful.  

There is really only one event that I am not yet able to say that I'm glad it happened.  But I know I will eventually come to that place.  When it happened, unlike many other times in my life, I knew that there had to be beauty in it and that one day I would see it.  I'm still open to seeing it, although I haven't yet.  But everyday that day gets closer and I have been able to see many gifts, opportunities and blessings in it and I know there are more to come.  The key is to remain open to it.  And honestly, that's easier some days than others.  Of course, it's far easier now then when I was knee deep in it.  At that point it was something I repeated to myself as a type of mantra to help me navigate through it.  Some days I said it but didn't feel it at all.  Today I know and feel that there is beauty within the pain of it and that what happened was for my Highest Good.  I believe that what happened was best for the evolution of my Soul and as I continue to heal the hurt and pain of whatever is left to heal from, I am able to let go more and more and I grow closer to the peace that lies within that knowing.  Baby steps.  

The more I heal, the more my awareness grows and my perception shifts and I am able to see in a different light.  Healing is not a journey for the weak of heart.  Those of us who embark upon the journey of digging deep into our internal world to heal and grow and remember our innate wholeness know the sweat and grit of the journey, as well as the rewards.  It takes a lot of effort and can be challenging, to say the least, but it is well worth it because the gift that you get is the gift of yourself.

With love and light,

Tia

I am participating in an April Blog-a-long

My new birthday puppy

Effy Wild at effywild.com is doing a "Blog-a-long" for the month of April and I have decided to participate.  My blogging tends to go in cycles, I blog and I stop, I blog and I stop.  Writing is something I love and something that allows me to be of service to myself and others.  It saddens me to see that last year I only posted 15 blog posts.  Sad.  Sad.  I've written so many in my journal, penned them in my head, but they never quite made it to the computer.  That's actually part of a pattern whose deep layers I am peeling back right now that I plan on sharing.

Of course, committing to something like this is way outside of my comfort zone so, in sometimes usual Tia fashion, I procrastinated and procrastinated and almost said, "I think I'll just write my first post tomorrow."  But tomorrow would have turned into the next day and the next and before I knew it the month would be over and I wouldn't have posted at all.  So, in an effort to hold myself accountable I am making the public announcement that I will be blogging every day this month.  That scares me.  Although I'm not sure why.  Commitment to myself and my dreams is something I have been writing in my journal for the past couple of weeks.  Just that one word, "Commitment."  I'm not sure I'd say I have commitment issues but when it comes to committing to myself, to something I want for me, I sometimes struggle.  But there has been a lot of change lately, as is the nature of life, and so I'm willing to step outside of my comfort zone and give it a try.  That's all I can do right?  And I'll try my best not to procrastinate.  I promise.

With light and love,
Tia

P.S. If you are interested in art and/or people who are real and raw and authentic, I encourage you to check out Effy's blog, she is amazingly inspiring.

A Death in the Family and an Emotional Hangover...

I woke up Saturday morning to the sound of a text message on my phone.  Groggy and without my glasses, I picked it up and checked to see who it was from.  It was fuzzy but I could see that the message was from my Dad.  I had just gotten a new phone number and sent it to him the day before, he was letting me know that he got my new number and that his Dad had passed away earlier that morning.  I sat there in shock, "No, he can't be dead.  No."

My grandfather had Alzheimer's and, according to my Dad, he hadn't eaten or drank anything in 6 weeks.  We knew it was coming as my sister and I had just had a conversation about it a month or so ago.  We talked about how important him and my grandma and my aunt were to us growing up, about how time had gone by and we lost touch, about wanting them to know how we felt before we got that phone call.  And now it was too late.

Still in a daze I went upstairs and outside, trying to let the news sink in.  The tears started to roll down my face and I sobbed for the loss of this man who was such an important part of my childhood.  I do believe that birthing back into spirit is a beautiful process because you are home and free of all the human constraints.  He was no longer suffering and I know that my Uncle Roddy who died at 16 years young, and my sister Carrie, who died at 8 years young, were there to greet him.  I wasn't so much sad that he had died as I was sad because I would miss him.  I was also sad because I had lost touch and hadn't seen him in 10 years.  The blanket of Regret washed over me as I wished I had told him how much he meant to me.

Childhood was not a good time for me.  I lived in a chaotic house full of lack, anger, violence, among other things.  It is what it is.  But when we would go to my grandparents house and/or my aunt's house, we felt safe, we felt wanted.  There was a sense of freedom at those houses for us, not freedom to do whatever we wanted to do but freedom to just be the kids we were.  Freedom to laugh as much and as loudly as we wanted, freedom to ask for seconds, freedom to hang out with the adults as the whole family would sit around the large kitchen table after dinner and talk and drink coffee.  They always made it a point to call and ask for us to visit around the holidays.  They loved us and we knew it.  I loved and still love them deeply, but do they know it.

In his passing I was reminded of the importance of telling people how you feel, before it's too late.  While I know this and I've even re-posted things on Facebook that talk about it, I failed to actually do it.   As I mentioned, my sister and I had just talked about it, and I still failed to act on it.  I know that he knows now, I just wish I would have told him while he was still here.  But I don't wish to stay in that place of regret and, as the day went on and the tears fell, I came to realize that I chose to be inspired by it.  I choose to honor his memory and his passing by working toward telling the people in my life who have had a profound impact on me, how very much I appreciate them.  It's important.  You never know how much time you or anyone else has.

At the end of the day and after many many tears, I read a post about someone having a bad day due to my grandfather's passing.  It made me realize that I did not have a bad day.  I had an emotionally draining day but it wasn't at all bad.  I loved and was loved by this amazing man who made my childhood a little easier to bear and who was now back in his true form of spirit and no longer suffering, how was that bad?  But what I realized was that I see people who have lost loved ones use their passing as an excuse not to let joy in, as an excuse not to live their lives.  I refuse to use the passing of my grandpa Frank when I was pregnant, my sister who died too young at 8 years old, my Grampa Wahl who just passed, or anyone else who might go in the future, as an excuse not to live my life.  Yes I'm sad, yes I will miss them, and yes it hurts.  But does it truly honor someones memory to use them as an excuse not to go on with life?  When they look on from the realm of Spirit will they feel happy and honored that you are being dragged through life by their memory instead of fully living it?  I don't think so.  If anything I would rather find a way to be inspired by their lives and their passings.

I woke up Sunday morning with an icky feeling head and a headache.  Emotions ran high on Saturday and a lot of emotional energy was released resulting in, what I call, an Emotional Hangover.  In spite of that I felt a sense of peace about his passing, about the roller coaster of emotions that had visited me, and of ways I hope to be inspired by his transition.  There's still the funeral which, if I can go, will be very emotional as I will be seeing family I have not seen in many years and will be visiting the house where memories of him are and he is not.  I can already feel the emotion on its way.

Goodbye Grampa Wahl, may you rest in peace and know that you helped to give my childhood some happy, safe, and joyous memories.  Thank you for teaching me how to tie flies, for making me laugh as you popped out your dentures and made funny faces.  I'll miss you "ole dog," and I'll love you always.

May you be blessed with love and light,
Tia

Inspired by November "Super Soul Sunday" episodes...

"evolve, transform, grow"

I had never heard of Mark Nepo before I watched the two "Super Soul Sunday" episodes that he was on.  He is, as Oprah described him, "a gentle poet," and a cancer survivor.  He has a very gentle energy and speaking voice yet, the impact of his words is quite powerful, at some points sending chills up and down my legs as my energy and Soul were pointing to the truths in what he spoke.  He expressed spiritual beliefs and thoughts in such a beautifully poetic way, I only hope to be able to express myself as well.  Here are a few of his quotes that I had to stop and write down during the two episodes:

"Whatever opens us is never as important as what it opens."

"To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken."

"We are broken open or we willfully shed."

"Every single being has n amazing unfathomable gift that only meeting life head on will reveal."

"You can't bypass the human journey, it's the cocoon that releases the Soul." 

After watching the episodes I started thinking about pain.  They (Oprah and Mark Nepo) talked about going through things, through pain.  It reminded my of something I say, "The only way 'out' is through the door marked 'in.'"  The only way to get out of whatever it is you are feeling is to go into it, inside of yourself, to heal it.  I was so inspired by these episodes that I wrote up a sort of intention, I guess you'd call it, for walking through pain, or any other emotion that's uncomfortable, or maybe just getting through any challenge in general.

So here it is:

I choose to walk through the pain, through the loss, through the disappointment.  I choose to go in their doors and walk through them.  I choose to see the beauty in the pain because, if I merely remain open to it, one day, my eyes will clear to see it.  I choose to walk through it all, one step at a time.  Some steps will indeed be graceful, while others will be anything but.  Some steps will lead to stumbling and falling face first in the mud.  I will see the beauty in those steps as well, for only while my face is on the ground can I see the treasure that is poking it's head up, ever so slightly.  In my stumble is where I will see, then dig out, that treasure.  Some steps will be me pulling myself back up, brushing myself off and sitting with the treasure that I have uncovered, hearing it's story, holding space for it, coming to know who and what it is.

Some steps will be taken in anger and, where in the past I would jump off the path and find a way around it, I will instead walk, or stumble, or perhaps even fall through it.  I will feel it and find healthy ways to process it.

Some steps will hurt and I might sit for a moment and rest.  And I will sit in the place of pain, hurt, loss, disappoint, or whatever the emotion might be, honoring it by listening to the wisdom it has to share.  For it is through those emotions that I learn what needs to be healed within me, what hurt dark spaces within me need the light of my healing love.

I'll take some steps alone and in others the quiet shrill whisper of shame might creep up from my deepest darkest spaces, as I know it will.  Instead of tucking it in my pocket and muffling its voice, with my head hung, I will share what it says to me so that I may heal those past hurt spaces from which it sprang, with my head held high.

I will not take my steps perfectly but I will take them in a way that is right for me, for my Soul, for my path, for my healing, and I will do my best to be okay with that.  I will do my best to learn how to love all of me, as I step "in," and not just the places that have healed so close to wholeness but also the places that are dark and dusty and still transforming and growing, as well as the ones that haven't even started yet.  I will remember that, while my heart was broken, I was not.  I will also remember that in the feeling of all having been shattered in my life, pieces are merely being rearranged into a truer more beautiful version of Who I Really Am.  I will step my way through and allow the process, sometimes skipping steps and later coming back and going through the process of those avoided.  Which for me means that I will do my best to not gloss over the process with where I want to be and, instead, set the intention and allow myself to heal into it.
I will continue to step into forgiveness each and every moment, as difficult as that can sometimes be.  I will remember that forgiveness is a gift of love and an act of kindness toward myself as it sets me free.  I will remember that I, too, live in a glass house and have hurt people before, and have been forgiven.

I will use my life and my experiences through these steps, and all others that I will surely take, to be of service.  I will allow myself to shine in my vulnerability while hoping to touch the healing hearts and Souls of others.

I will be patient with my humanness and love and accept it in all of its imperfect perfection.

And while I won't always understand what brought forth the pain in the midst of it, I will stay open to clarity, open to the purpose as I believe everything has many.  I will remember, in each step, that, as Eckhart Tolle said, "I am not the emotion, the emotion is in me."  With each step I will remember that the emotions, whatever they might be, whatever might bring them forth, are merely energy and I will do my best to allow them to flow through me.  I will remember, and remind myself, that everything is working out for my Highest Good, even when it might not feel like it.

I will remember that the moment will come when I will walk through the other side of it, having transformed into a better version of myself, one that I could not have been were it not for the event.  And I will set that intention while being present in each moment, of each step, of each beautiful breath of this crazy life I am living.  To the best of my abilities.

May you be blessed with love and light,
Tia