"When an event occurs in life, how often do we realize that our perception of it determines our experience of it? Life is a reflective surface. If you expect to see the blessings, opportunities and gifts in a thing, whether or not you like the thing at first, then you will see the blessings, opportunities and gifts in it. If, instead, you expect to see the disappointment and loss in it, then youwill experience disappointment and loss. And chances are you won't realize that your expectation of disappointment, your perception of the event as disappointing, will be the very reason you experience it as such. How you think, feel, and believe about a thing creates your experience of it and you can always choose differently."
That was my Facebook post yesterday. I have learned that what we put out there in service of others, what we tend to "teach," is where we are and what we need to remember. I wanted to post an afterthought to my Facebook post yesterday but decided instead to blog about it because the thoughts running through my mind were too long for Facebook.
The past three weeks have been...intense for me, for lack of a better word. I found myself feeling as though I had shaken myself up, turned myself inside out and, essentially, broke myself open. While I knew, and still know, that the results of it all would propel me forward in ways I don't totally understand, growth and transformation come with some discomfort.
I pay attention. I pay attention to the songs that not-so-randomly run through my mind, to books I am drawn to, to things I hear on the television and in conversations, to my dreams, to the reflective surface of my life. But sometimes, even when I am paying attention, I don't see part of the reflection, that is, until I have the tools to see and heal what the reflection is showing me.
One day I was drawn to bring Awakening Intuition by Mona Lisa Schulz and my journal to the laundry mat. I had plans of working on a creative project but decided to follow my intuition. As I was reading the chapter on the third chakra, which is our power center and the chapter I was drawn to read, I was struck by a question I read, "...do you feel so inadequate that you never finish anything you start?" I paused. I thought about all of the things I hadn't finished in my life, all of the unfinished projects, the ideas I have that I get so excited about and then don't follow through on and I realized that deep down inside of me I felt inadequate. And while I have been working on that for almost 2 weeks now, when I type that I feel the heavy weight of the energy of inadequacy stir within me; there is still work to be done here. So, I followed the trail down the rabbit hole (deep within myself) and I just started writing in my journal and letting it flow. What I discovered surprised me as I found feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, undeserving, and even guilt at having been born deep within the darkest parts of me. I don't talk to myself like that, I don't say negative things to myself, but as I looked at the reflective surface of my life I started to see the patterns clearly laid out before me. I could see how I was reacting to my present through the perspective of my past instead of responding to each moment by remembering Who I Really Am. I could see how each time I came around the upward spiral of my journey I had gone a little farther, but I was still playing out the same old patterns over and over again, each time getting a layer deeper.
I started to work with affirmations and intentions, blessing those feelings and lovingly releasing them from my body and my life, as recommended by Louise Hay in The Power Is Within You. I have been releasing all old negative beliefs, resistance, and fears. I also discovered a fear of being unsafe and have been affirming I am safe as well. Now, some people feel that affirmations and intentions don't work as they might experience that it seems to get worse once they start doing affirmations. The way I have experienced it is that once you affirm and intend something you are more aware of where you are. When you have that expanded awareness you see that life is showing you the difference between where you are and where you affirm and/or intend to be. It shows you areas where there is still something for you to remember about who you are. It points to the reflective surface of your Life so that you can see the dark places that need light and healing so that you can live what you are affirming and intending.
I have been pulling these old beliefs up by the roots and choosing to see old experiences through the eyes of my Soul, noticing how each one of them has reminded me of Who I Am, sometimes by showing me Who I Am Not, and has been essential to my discovering my truth and learning to stand in it. When you pull things up by the roots you are stirring things up and sometimes bugs and slimy things come up to the surface. The journey of healing and self discovery never ceases to amaze me. For some it comes in the form of a miraculous healing. While I believe that all healing, and really all things, are miraculous, I mean that some people can hear one thing or be in the presence of someone and can make a decision and they are different, they are healed. I have realized that, as a wounded healer and someone whose passion it is to help guide people on their healing journeys, I have to dig, I have to trek through the dark forest, hike along the rocky terrain and confront my shadows face to face because if I don't experience it, I won't be able to help other people do the same. And I am okay with that because the journey has been nothing short of awe inspiring.
Today I found myself angry at something that is happening in my life. I have been choosing to see it as an opportunity and a blessing but noticed that my thoughts are not in alignment with that. I kept saying "I choose to be love here, I choose to see the blessings in this," but I wasn't feeling it. The reflective surface of my life was trying to get my attention and I was wanting to gloss over it because anger is an issue for me in that, I don't allow myself to feel it. I dig deeper and see that I feel guilty over feeling angry. I have love, compassion and empathy in large amounts within me, it's who I am, anger is not. But here's the thing, I can't move to that place of love and compassion until I admit, acknowledge and accept that what I am really feeling is anger. And I can't accept the anger until I accept that my emotions, ALL of them, are sacred. It's my Soul's way, and Life's way, of showing me where I am in relationship to where I wish to be, as well as showing me where healing needs to take place. And I can't accept them as sacred if I am feeling guilt over having them. I must express my anger in a healthy way and accept it as a sacred part of me. That's just one layer because, once I accept the anger, then I can see that there is more in the reflection of my life than just the anger and that is the root of the anger. This is where the bugs and slimy things surface as I am pulling up the roots of old negative beliefs and energy patterns as I realize that my anger is simply a mask for my fears. "What if 'they' are right? What if I am not worthy? What if I am inadequate? What if I am undeserving? What if I am always abandoned? What if all the positive things I think I am remembering about myself aren't true?" Those are more than just the bugs and slimy things as together they make the demon. And I choose to face it head on because, as I already said, I know that growth and transformation are occurring for me and I know that this will all propel me forward in ways I don't even understand right now. And the only way for that to happen is to look at the demon, admit, accept, and acknowledge that the demon exists, listen to what it has to tell me, and work through it.
To change, to grow, to heal, it is important to look at the reflective surface of your life because it will give you important clues about where you are, what you believe, how you feel about life and yourself. Sometimes the picture is scary and there are illusions of monsters in there but if you don't shine the light on the reflection and look at it, you miss an opportunity to heal, you miss an opportunity to remember something important about who you really are. Each step of the journey is sacred, YOU are sacred. I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. As I have intended to release old beliefs and energy patterns the Universe is conspiring for me and pointing in the direction of the areas within me that need light and healing so that I can release it. As I said, I can't heal what I don't admit, accept and acknowledge because it will forever stay in the dark and that's not okay with me. If I am to help others on their healing journeys, if I am to help myself remember that I am whole, than I have to be willing to take my own journey back to wholeness as I have been doing for almost 3 1/2 years. So today I am journeying through guilt over having anger, the anger itself, and the root fears that are masking themselves as anger.
Life is a reflective surface and when you open yourself to seeing it as such it is no longer about what other people in your life have done or aren't doing, instead you can ask what their actions are showing you about your beliefs, your patterns, your perspective. What one step can you take today to start to see the reflection? I asked myself that question today and this blog post is a reflection of where it lead me. And if you are reading this there is something here in the reflection for you as well.
With light, love, and healing...