Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The energy pattern of unworthiness...

My Facebook post on Monday, November 19th, 2012
"I dive deep into the depths of myself on an almost constant basis. The treasure I pull up, while sometimes at first are covered in seaweed and barnacles, are not mine to keep. They are not meant to be locked away and hidden from the eyes of the world. They are meant to be shared, in service, with others who just might be looking for that same treasure within themselves, but who might not be sure where to look. And while it is not always comfortable to dive into my own depths and to share the treasure, it is always a blessing and a gift to be able to do so. What treasure are lying within you waiting to be discovered today?"  

Earlier this week I posted a picture of an Angel Christmas Card that I made.  The whole journey of making this card was beautiful and inspiring and the flow of it was such a blessing.  Two people ordered some cards from me and it felt amazing to be a vessel for Divine Creation and create it in service of myself and others.  It was a joy to receive those orders and it brought me pure excitement.  On Sunday I posted some insights on forgiveness and received a private message from someone thanking me for my insights.  It touched my Soul and brought me joy to be able to touch someone's life in that way.  This is what I intend to do, to use my life and my experiences to be of service to myself and others.  And here I was experiencing immense joy at actually do so.

And then Monday night came around and I started to feel unsettled.  I felt resistance and avoidance within me and I wasn't understanding why.  After such joy and fulfillment of my intentions, why would I feel unsettled?  I woke up this morning and, as I have gotten in the habit of, I pulled cards from two websites I frequent.  I picked the "Goblin" card having to do with fears and limiting beliefs, and I picked another card with this line that stood out to me, "...if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.  Do something different."  And, as is in perfect alignment with where I am at right now, I picked the "Transformation" card.  I also had a dream last night about a diamond back rattlesnake following me.  I kept trying to get away from it because I was afraid, but it wasn't coming at me, it was coming toward me.  It had the most beautiful colors on it.  At one point I think I flung it away.  As I looked up the symbolism of snakes there were items on the list like rebirth, healing, balance, rejuvenation, transformation.  There I was in my dream being approached by healing, transformation, and rejuvenation and I was trying to avoid it out of fear. Message received, loud and clear.  But why?

As I set out about my day this morning these items were collecting in my mind.  They stirred and danced around and rearranged themselves into different patterns, as if mentally putting together a puzzle.  I was open to their messages and knew that they would show me what I needed to see.  I couldn't get that one line out of my head, "...if you do what you've always done..."  and suddenly I had an aha moment.  I love those by the way, that moment when all the pieces come together and you see what has been there the whole time.  I was retreating after experiencing the joy of being of service.  I was starting to hang my "I am unworthy" sign on my door so that I could go inside and hide.  I've been here before.  I have another blog that I haven't posted to in over a year, after a very kind woman said how inspiring it was.  Shortly thereafter I stopped posting.  I thought it was about vulnerability, and perhaps that layer was, but this one is not.  This layer is about unworthiness.

As I posted before, I discovered this energy pattern, along with a few others, about a month ago.  Exactly a week ago I watched "The Cure Is..." and it wha-bammed me in the face with the realization that I have been playing out the energy pattern of unworthy of self love.  I didn't even realize it before but it reached right out from the computer screen and tapped me on the shoulder and requested my attention.  I believe I am worthy of the love of others, but myself?  I thought I did love myself but I could feel the energy of it in my body, the heaviness of it, and I knew it was not truth for me.  For the past week I have been working through blessing it, and lovingly releasing it from my body and my life.  I have been affirming that I am worthy of my own love.  It has been quite the journey in my internal world lately.  Today I realized that deep within me I don't feel worthy of experiencing the joy that comes with being of service.  Granted, I don't talk to myself that way but the energy pattern of unworthiness has been playing out for pretty much my entire life.  Little by little I am catching the patterns and moving to change them to reflect a more true statement, a higher truth, about Who I Really Am.  It is as if, in my internal background, I would say, "Who am I to help people heal?  Who I am to spread joy and beauty into the world?  Who am I to inspire people?"  Who am I not to?  And the better question is who am I to withhold treasures from myself and the world?  Who am I to lock them up tight so that the eyes that need them can never experience their beauty?

That energy pattern is like a web, appropriately the card that most caught my attention was the "Web Weaver" challenger, and it reaches out and is tied to all these areas of my life.  My Soul, Divine Intelligence, and Life have all conspired FOR me to reveal to me the first tie that will benefit from being cut so that I can start to unravel the web.  So out come my scissors and this post is me cutting that tie.  I took down the "I'm unworthy" sign and have burned it.  As I watched the flames of fire engulf it I used it as inspiration to hang new empowering self-loving signs to replace it.  I am worthy and deserving of living my dreams.  I am worthy of helping people heal.  I am worthy of being an inspiration to others.  I am worthy of experiencing the joy and fulfillment that comes with being of service to myself and others.

I look at that Facebook post and I realize that it wasn't just a message for others who may have needed it, it was also a message to me.  We tend to teach what we need to learn.  While I felt the blessing and gift of digging, discovering, and sharing, part of me was choosing to believe I was unworthy of the blessing.  I really do love following these trails, allowing communication from the divine in whatever form I will understand it, and finding the treasure at the end of the trail.  It is not always comfortable.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes there is pain, but ALWAYS, no matter how I feel, it is worth it.

To make sure I do not make a new sign and retreat again, I am challenging myself to post to my blog everyday for the rest of this month.  That might not seem like a lot but for me, it really is.  It is my gift to myself and my gift to the world, in service of myself and others.

With light and love,

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