Saturday, April 12, 2014

Day 12: Part I: The Universe and my Soul change my blog plans

I had a topic in mind when I sat down to write my blog this evening.  I've noticed that when I start my blog in my journal, as I used to do, it flows better and I feel more connected when writing it, so that's what I sat down to do.  As I always do, I wrote the day of the week on the top left hand side of the page, and I wrote the date out on the other side.  However, instead of writing April 12th, 2014, I wrote March 12th, 2014.  It's my grandfather's birthday, I thought, the one who passed away in December and who I wrote about here.  But wait, his birthday already passed.  I decided to look back in my journal and see what I wrote on that day figuring that maybe it was a bit of guidance from my Soul and the Universe.  It was a short entry:
"It's been about a week and a half since I was 'set free' from my job.  I feel like I've had so much going on.  All these little things to do, and of course [my niece's] painting, which is important, that I haven't had any time to plan, nor to paint.  I'm making time.  Planning my dreams and taking action steps towards them is a priority.  The cards have been saying all these wonderful things but if I don't take action steps, there's no way for some of these things to happen."
The "I haven't had time" syndrome, yet again.  And writing that feels a little woe-is-me-victim-like.  That 'time' statement translates into, "I'm telling myself a story and co-creating what I don't want and what doesn't serve me."  And it translates to, "I'm feeling stuck."  Granted, I don't want to repeat that phrase and continue creating that situation, however, right here, in this moment, that is exactly how I feel...stuck.

I was let go from the job that I mentioned in my journal entry because, as I was told, "it just wasn't working out," and I knew it.  I could feel it.  I was being pulled to start my own thing as I have been for quite some time.  I am a healing coach, and a healer in general.  I am a talented artist.  I am a writer.  And I know that I am a teacher as well.  As the job wore on I knew that it was not where I belonged, I was being nudged elsewhere.  It got to the point where I was dreading coming to work and feeling sick to my stomach while I was there.  And it wasn't a bad job, it was in an industry I wanted to be in and the people were great, it just wasn't for me.  More about that another time.  As a side note though, the reason it was an industry I wanted to be in was because, well, it was a cop out.  I didn't have the courage to go forth and blaze my own trail into the land of my dreams so I settled for a job in an industry I care about.

In so many ways I was, and am, being guided that now is the time to do for it.  To be brave, to dive into my Soul and partner with it to use my dreams to be of service to myself, and to others.  Life is telling me that I am ready now, as ready as I will ever be.  I need to take action now.  And what am I doing?  Allowing myself to get caught up in the illusion of "not enough time." Allowing myself to get caught up in the everyday life stuff.  The stuff that we all have to do like grocery shopping, dinner, laundry, cleaning.  The problem is that I sometimes use those things as an excuse to not do all of those things that would move me toward my dreams.  And everytime I say/write those words I reinforce and create more of the same, catching myself in this endless loop of too much to do.  And what message am I sending to my Dream, to Life, to the Universe when I make those choices?  That my Dreams are not a priority.  And really, that I a not enough of a priority in my life because my Dreams are my passion and I'm not cultivating that for myself.  That is NOT at all what I wish to create.  And I am not a victim in this.  I can change the words I say to myself, I can dig things out and heal things and make empowering choices for myself and my dreams.

the painting I did for my niece
I have done enough internal digging and healing to know that there's something underneath the excuses and the seeming stuckness.  I mean, I've barely painted at all this year, (aside from some in progress paintings that I posted pictures of here, the journal picture I shared here, the painting for my niece, a painted t-shirt, and a pendant), let alone taken steps toward dream building.

I haven't created much of anything, art or dream wise and that leaves me with a sinking in my Soul.  I need to create on a regular basis, in many ways, shapes and forms.  I love it!  Creativity pumps through my veins.  It lights me up.  One time when I was in my creative flow and creating a set of personalized oracle cards for a close friend and someone came in to get me and told me that I was glowing my energy was so bright.  And I feel that.  It is a deep part of who I am, as is helping people to heal, and I feel as if I have kept myself from it lately.

And this isn't the first time, I have been here before, peeling back layer after layer of this issue.  I am determined to heal this place that I keep revisiting.  As well as healing whatever it is that has me clinging to "I don't know how" when I try to make plans for action steps as far as my Dreams are concerned.  It's interesting, "I don't know" is what I say when I really do know but I am afraid to face what I know and do it.

So, what is it?  What's the issues buried way down deep beneath it all?  A couple of weeks ago I asked myself that question in my journal.  Softly I heard a voice speaking truth from the depths of my Soul.  The answer surprised me.  I asked, "What is it?  Why am I having trouble moving forward?  Why is it that I am scared?"  The answer: "Because it will change everything."

Stay tuned for Part II tomorrow.

May you be blessed with love and light,

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