It rained off and on today. One moment it was pouring down rain, I came out of a store and the sun was shining and it was warm, I came out of another store and it was raining again. I do love the rain, the smell and the sound and the feel of it. I think though, that it relaxes me a little too much, to the point of not wanting to do anything. Combine that with the big ball of resistance I allowed myself to be today and that meant me not getting much accomplished. I felt like I was doing more avoiding and wandering than anything.
I did to to deep places, thought about letting go and about everything that ties to the questions I shared yesterday, that I saw on the Adyashanti episode of "Super Soul Sunday." I also thought about acceptance. Adyashanti also talked about saying "yes" to each moment, even if the moment seems less than desirable, and I have been contemplating my relationship to that.
That is where I have spent a lot of my time today and while the big ball of resistance was with me, I actually listened to it and learned something. Intellectually I have let go over and over and over again because it is my intent to heal and not carry and drag things along with me. But today resistance showed me that, while I have made that choice intellectually, I have not made it wholeheartedly and I am still holding on by my pinky. On one hand it seems silly to do that because I know the choice boils down to letting go and having peace or holding on and suffering. On the other hand I also know that knowing something on an intellectual level is just one step in the process as there is a journey that it needs to take from my head to my heart so that it can be rooted there. And while I know the benefits of letting go, I have written about them and it is one of the many things I help people with, I also know that having trouble letting go usually means there are emotions tied to the event that have not been felt. So it is back to the drawing board with that because, for it to take that trip from head to heart and root itself there, the path needs to be clear of the hurt and pain and whatever other emotions are hanging out there. And today I am also wondering if another reason for the resistance is that letting go makes it..real and permanent. I know that that is a trick of the mind as it already is real and what I cling to by just my pinky right now, is already gone. It no longer exists. So I understand, I get it. And I know exactly what I would advise a client to do, how I would help them find the gift of empowerment in letting go. Taking my own advice would be beneficial here and I plan on doing that.
For right now I think I need to paint and create and art the sh*t out of it. To let it flow from my body, down through my paintbrush, or my favorite painting tools which are my hands, and onto the canvas or in my Art Journal. I need to open to it and listen to what it has to tell me about myself, my patterns, my life and let it do what emotions are meant to do as they are merely energy in motion and just want to be felt and released.
May you be blessed with light and love,