Friday, April 11, 2014

A late Day 10 and a visit from Last Minute Lucy

My son's brother (from another mother) has a wooden box that he asked me to draw a specific design on, wood burn and stain for him.  Two months ago he asked me to do that.  He lives in a different state so I knew I had some time to get it done.  Monday night I found out that he was driving in on Tuesday evening and staying until Friday, today.  I have had more than enough time to get it done but still, Last Minute Lucy here decided to wait until 9pm last night to start on it.  I would really like to get a better grasp on approximately how long projects will take because I was thinking I could get it done in a couple of hours.  It seemed simple.  He had a design from one of his favorite guitar brands that I had to draw on the box, then wood burn it and then stain it.  It's not a tiny box but it's not a large one either.  Funny girl that I am.  For the record I'd like to say that apparently I am delusional when it comes to project completion time estimation because I didn't finish it until 3:30 am and I only took a couple of short breaks.

By the time I was finished I was exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open, let alone write a blog post.  Of course, I did have all day to work on that as well among the other things I was doing.  But, I am the Queen of the Last Minute.  Then again, if I was the true Queen of the last minute I'd actually be able to complete things on time at the last minute but, as I've clearly exhibited, that is sadly not always the case.  While I work well under the pressures of a deadline, there have been Christmases in which I stayed up most of the previous night working on gifts and they still weren't finished when presents were being opened.  There have been birthdays in which I gave gits and had to say, "Be careful, that's not dry yet," or, "Just give me 10 more minutes and your gift will be done."  You get the picture.

Ah, glorious procrastination.  Here's the thing about that, I read somewhere (and I apologize because I do not remember where) that procrastination is when your energy does not line up with a thing (whatever thing that might be) that you need/want/must do.  While I had the desire to do that box, I couldn't seem to find the desire in the moment to get to it, until I knew it had to be done or it wasn't going to get done.  And I believe if it's something that we really want to do, and even something we don't want to do, that our energy isn't lining up because, for whatever reason, we have resistance to it.  Which makes sense in the case of not wanting to do it but is confusing in the case of wanting to do it.  That energy of resistance leaves me to find a number of other things, usually trivial and not important, to do, including wasting tie and avoiding what I really want to do all together.

Procrastination and avoidance are certainly close relatives.  Of course, the question is, why procrastinate?  Why avoid?  Well, it depends on the situation.  What I have forgotten to do is to bring awareness to it.  Both procrastination and avoidance are a result of resistance.  Resistance has something to teach e or remind me of if I stay open to hearing what it has to tell me.  I tend to push against the resistance, constantly telling myself, "Just start doing it," or "why can't I just get it done?"  All of the statements I say to myself are really just resistance to the resistance and pushing against the resistance will cause the energy of it to push back with equal force.  It's a no win situation because I become locked in a stalemate until I am facing not getting it done and potentially disappointing someone or myself, or, exhausting myself, pushing myself and rushing to get it finished.  Quite honestly, I don't particularly enjoy either of those outcomes.

So, what's the solution?  Because I believe a solution exists.  Ah, my old friend acceptance.  So often I want to push against feelings that come up that are uncomfortable, anger, resistance, and sometimes even joy.  But if I bring awareness to it and accept that resistance is paying me a visit, and stay open to what it has to say, the pressure of the energy of it will let up.  If I write it out or talk to myself about it the I will have the opportunity to find out why it has come to grace me with its presence.  What I don't want to do, however, is cross that line from using it as an opportunity for growth so that I can do what Stephen Pressfield says and, "Put [my] ass where [my] heart wants to be," and using my tools as an excuse to resist even longer.

I've said if before, and I'll say it again, I am always intrigued by the fact that I have these tools, I know to bring awareness to things and accept them but, sometimes, I forget to apply that knowing to all layers and areas of my life.  But that's the thing, we have so many complex interwoven layers that exist for all of our issues, beliefs, wounds, perceptions, etc.  And when the time comes to heal another layer in one or more layers, we have that "Ah ha" moment.  That moment in which something clicks and we, at least I, say, "I know to do that, I can't believe I forgot to apply it here."  And this is where it's important for me to not "should" all over myself with, " I should have known better.  I should have known to do that."  Sometimes I forget that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in each moment.  My faith has been shaken up over the past 18 months and I am slowly working my way back to it.

So, Day 10, better late than never.  I had to be gentle with myself here as well because I made a commitment to write 30 blog posts in 30 days and, while I still plan on writing another post later today, I really wanted to post every day.  But I am human and I am on a spiritual ad healing journey in which the Reflective Surface of my Life shows me what i wish o change and what I would benefit fro healing.  And sometimes, for me to remember to bring awareness and acceptance to things, like resistance, I had to choose to resist something and have consequences that I did not enjoy.  It all works out for my Highest Good, even when I don't remember that.

May you be blessed with love and light,

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