"I thought I wanted a thriving business that would allow me to look forward to getting up and going to work every morning. That's still true, but what I wanted even more was to be connected to myself and my soul so deeply that nothing could disconnect me."When I read those words I actually stopped reading, put my phone down, and walked away, telling myself, out loud of course, "I need to sit with that for a moment." It was as if those words were lit up like a neon sign with blinking lights and an arrow that said, "Tia, look here."
She articulated what I was feeling and the thing is, I didn't even know I was feeling that way until I read her inspiring words. And her words hit me deep. True, I have been working toward re-connection to myself and my soul because disconnect seems to be a default setting I have allowed myself to stay in since childhood, but what I hadn't thought about was a connection, "so deep[ly] that nothing could disconnect me." Those words feel powerful, those words move me, those words express a longing I didn't even know was there.
As a child disconnect was a form of survival from the molestation I experienced and the violence I witnessed. When you go into survival mode, that's the body's fight or flight response, the fear of it all leaves you wanting to run and get the hell out of whatever situation you are in. I lived that fear long enough that the disconnect of fight or flight became ingrained as a pattern within my energy. It gets to the point where I realize I am not feeling many emotions, no love going in, no love going out. I do, however, experience frustration and anger So, it seems that part of my fight or flight involves me closing off my heart center. And let me tell you, I seal it up fast, without realizing it. If I'm hurt, even in the tiniest of ways, it gets sealed off. That is not how I choose to live life. And I understand that my clinging to this pattern and not bringing awareness to it has allowed it to become so ingrained. I also know that I have the power to change it.
In "Spiritual Liberation," Michael Bernard Beckwith says, (and I don't remember the exact words so this is a paraphrase), "It's easy to close your heart off when you have been hurt. The challenge is to keep it open even though you have been hurt." I agree with those words. It is so easy to close yourself off when you have been pained. Especially when you open you open your heart to someone in such a deep and vulnerable way, more so than you have with anyone, and you find yourself being shattered. It takes effort to come back from that. It takes effort to open your heart up to the world despite the fear and the pain. And it has been interesting to me how the energy of closing off happens without my knowing it, that is, until it's already been done. Which tells me, as if I didn't already know, that it is a subconscious pattern.
I know there are things I can do, I can meditate on it, work with affirmations, create it right open. And I am getting to that point. But I have to be honest, right now I am scared, and I don't want to be. And while I say I chose to feel the fear and do it anyway, that choice has not yet finished its journey from my head to my heart. I could sit with the fear but I know why I am afraid. But pain is part of the process, pain is sometimes how we grow and I know this pain is not the last I will experience. I do not want to be a person who closes off, that kind of life is not the life I want to live, nor is it the person I want to be. When I was with my ex I chose to open my heart and feel the love he, and other people in my life, had for me. I didn't do it for him, I did it because I wanted to be a person who felt the love coming in, not just going out. I know I can make that choice again. This is an opportunity for me to learn about true Divine love at an even deeper level. And I am determined to do that, otherwise, it's not really living is it?
I am so grateful that I read that blog and those words. I love to inspire and I also love to be inspired. I love when I am blessed with witnessing the vulnerability and authenticity of others. I love when what they share stops me in my tracks and reminds me of Who I Really Am. For all of you out there who do that, I appreciate you and I am grateful for you.
May you be blessed with love and light,